Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Khartoum heartmend _ imagining things...

I wish I could feel free from all my inabilities and sanctions against myself
God I have so many dreams all opened by an amazing man
but really ive always had those dreams i just didnt know how to make them
or feel them or hold them the right way
i wish I could wear my life in my hand then maybe that way i wouldnt be able to hold anyhting else
like fears or worries
i imagine

coming to you again dear God and thanking you in your

I wont forget i will come
with him and i will show him to you and say look and thank you

these days im not praying very well skipping and starting and sleeping and not waking on time
but i promise i will change a part likke the way i used to be and a part even better

i want to become this woman even i dont know
beautiful because shes kind
rich because of her heart colour
blind to the world but the world is not blind to her
one ready to form emotions truthful and emotions blissful
not for her
but for someone who deserve them
and i imagine

red velvet cake on a summers day - with birds chirping and baskets of flowers and plants hanging maybe white maybe pink
magazines with fashion lie silently on the glass table bought yesterday still unread today but beautiful they look and a dress peacock with life turquioses life into a drawing i can only imagine
for it seems hard to make real
i dont know where to find red food colouring in sudan
lately this is my most common statement
what is missing in sudan?
my heart aches at my selfishness and impurities
because the real question should be
what isnt missing in sudan?
helping people
khartoum lights at night
barking dogs at night
winter cold
dry cold
eva honey
sting cheese

the only thing missing in sudan is me

sudan is a light in darkness
my passion for sudan is long old
ive loved it since forever
in love and passion with khartoum at night
and the sound of refrigerators sleeping at 3am
obsessed with the peace one has at night that becomes invisible in the morning to crazy traffic and insane people baked like my red velvet cake in the sun

amazing times can be created

ive always asked sudan to forgive me for going
for living away from its mud and dirt and hours
ive always asker my home to ....
to make me one of hers
to make me a part of her land
to not forget i am one of her birth
and i thought she hated me for leaving
and never wanted me back
but now i think she wants me to stay forever
for she has opened her african roots and heat to me
this time with honesty and love and passion
i never could imagine
near the river nile waking i sleep
and sleeping i wake
to the smell of african sunsets
this time the right time
with hot cardemon tea and
.....an amazing man

my home has fed me good things and i feel forgiven by its soul


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your words give me purpose to feel good ..
Helps me to understand the city I live in ..
You get two home or maybe three ... But I have one
You telling me how much this one is like heaven ..
I know you want me to try ... Just to close my eyes ..
And try ...

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -