Tuesday, April 9, 2013

feeling hopeless...on a hopeful day

Dear God
My dear dear dear God
the one who i trust and love 
more than anything in this world
the one that i live my life to and for and with 
the one that i was created by and will finish by
the one that i want to make happy and proud
i used to pray with my hands up
so hard and so long
i used to pray alfajr with my head down
so hard and so long
i used to love god so much
and want to spend every bit of time with him 
and now
Ive forgotten it all

and yet he is still here for me
i feel like i want to pull the rug from underneath me and tumble down but and he holds it down and keeps me straight, keeps my head up high
i want to fold my umbrella in the rain and get soaked but he helps me let it stay open and keeps me dry
i want to cut my life apart and bleed open
but he saves me from myself
i want to make my life difficult and he wants to make it easy
i dont want to be forgiven and he wants to forgive me each and every second
i want to be bad and he wants me to be good
he wants me to be with him
for i have given up on myself but he hasnt
and to prove it
he has sent me an angel to help me
just for me.... here on earth

i feel special
i feel chosen for something important
i feel beautiful
i feel.....like this is my present
i feel really strong
but i know arrogance can get in the way
and young hearts and fiery emotions
and wild trepidations
and stupid ignorance
and unknown bliss

immaturity springs open in my mind 
and i forget the after life
heaven where i want to go
that A heaven
that A minus
B plus heaven now seems far away

all i can see is blue velvet cloaks and unseen necklaces, never seen before
i feel more than special
although im not really 

im just a human being
a female
young now but getting old
smart now but getting dumb
not going to be healthy forever
not going to be alive ...forever
one day ill die
 and i will be asked
what were you doing when i gave you freedom
when i gave you health
when i gave you time 
when i gave you love
when i gave  you faith
when i gave you...life

and what will be my answers be>?
what will they be?
right now i can only stay silent with shame

Ya Rab
please please please please forgive me
for ..... ignoring you when you have not
when i have put you second or third place when you have always put me first
when i have forgotten you and remembered others and other things
when you have never forgotten me
when you have made me hope
and instilled it into me
yet i am hopeless in time      

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -