feeling hopeless...on a hopeful day

God,

Dear God

My dear dear dear God

the one who i trust and love 

more than anything in this world

the one that i live my life to and for and with 

the one that i was created by and will finish by

the one that i want to make happy and proud

i used to pray with my hands up

so hard and so long

i used to pray alfajr with my head down

so hard and so long

i used to love god so much

and want to spend every bit of time with him 

happily

and now

suddenly

Ive forgotten it all

and yet he is still here for me

i feel like i want to pull the rug from underneath me and tumble down but and he holds it down and keeps me straight, keeps my head up high

i want to fold my umbrella in the rain and get soaked but he helps me let it stay open and keeps me dry

i want to cut my life apart and bleed open

but he saves me from myself

i want to make my life difficult and he wants to make it easy

i dont want to be forgiven and he wants to forgive me each and every second

i want to be bad and he wants me to be good

he wants me to be with him

for i have given up on myself but he hasnt

and to prove it

he has sent me an angel to help me

just for me.... here on earth

i feel special

i feel chosen for something important

i feel beautiful

i feel.....like this is my present

i feel really strong

but i know arrogance can get in the way

and young hearts and fiery emotions

and wild trepidations

and stupid ignorance

and unknown bliss

immaturity springs open in my mind 

and i forget the after life

heaven where i want to go

that A heaven

that A minus

B plus heaven now seems far away

all i can see is blue velvet cloaks and unseen necklaces, never seen before

i feel more than special

although im not really 

that 

special

im just a human being

a female

young now but getting old

smart now but getting dumb

not going to be healthy forever

not going to be alive ...forever

one day ill die

 and i will be asked

what were you doing when i gave you freedom

when i gave you health

when i gave you time 

when i gave you love

when i gave  you faith

when i gave you...life

and what will be my answers be>?

what will they be?

right now i can only stay silent with shame

Ya Rab

please please please please forgive me

for ..... ignoring you when you have not

when i have put you second or third place when you have always put me first

when i have forgotten you and remembered others and other things

when you have never forgotten me

when you have made me hope

and instilled it into me

yet i am hopeless in time