Thursday, April 11, 2013

ask yourself 1_ deep thought

I ask myself a very important but simple question:

why have I failed all this time , all my life to lose weight ?
always I try and never succeed
too early or too late , I dont reach my goal of feeling light
of feeling finished with this goal
I see others do it all the time
the worst things that hurts me is
when other woman speak and say
I am so afraid of becoming fat
i think
so what ur afraid of being me/?
i am afraid of being me
i don't know
i hate the way i think sometimes
broken and useless
even though others see me as beautiful
i don't see myself that way
at all
i have this goal
and i thought that when i would have a man to love me and be there for me
and tell me that im beautiful
i would immediately see the kilos melt away
i would just stop eating and i thought this because
i thought that i was eating because i was missing that sort of love in my life
now i have a man to be with me and love me forever, one that i adore
i trust him so much
and i dont see any kilos melting
instead im the same or worse
eating like....
eating like a monster

ive never been this real about anything though and alive about anything and wanting to stay true tom something like....him

but me and my body .....have  

no balance
no rythym
no harmony
there is no harmony
with mind and body
 at all
and faith
faith is just forgotten

i ask myself
why then?
did your plan not work
well obviously you wernt eating because you were manless
i feel jammed
this is the only theory i had so what could it be that is stopping me from reaching my dreams

me? my soul
- i am the reason

i stop writing and think for a moment

clearly i realise very quickly

i have no bodily connection with myself at all

everyday i use my body
its over run
even if i slept too much
its abused
its used and used
and never ever looked at
i use my body and never give it anything in return
for its mind - i dont learn anything
for its heart - i dont excersice anything
for its soul - i dont give faith or love
for its stomach - i continously make it work
for its eyes - i continously let them see -
for its ears - i dont hear myself -
one time

i tihnk again
i dont know who i am
i really dont
and why have i let myself be like this?
if i seperate everything thats happening to me
i realise that its all my dreams coming true

except all those dreams are up to god
so god gave me all i asked for so far
im sure he will in the future

are you?
do you think he expected you to do this?
for get him like this?
ignore him like this?
hate him like this?
regret things you say like this?
i dont know
God must be looking at me
this is NOT what i thought she would do
i thought she would be better
kinder to me
realise that i gave her a new chance
one with potential never ending the burn
like fire and fire and fire

i look at myself deep
and think
your soul is the one troublin you all this tim
you give it everything it demands

anything anything it demands
and when you want something back
it says NO
and you say YES

you obey your soul
worhsip it even

sorry to say
you worship your soul
the childish one
your soul is the one feeding your worries
your angst
your weaknesses
your inability to maintain something
to continue something
to reach a goal
this goal or any other goal in particular

so ask yourself
why have i failed all this time ?

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -