ask yourself 1_ deep thought

I ask myself a very important but simple question:

why have I failed all this time , all my life to lose weight ?
always I try and never succeed
always I....fail
too early or too late , I dont reach my goal of feeling light
of feeling finished with this goal
I see others do it all the time
the worst things that hurts me is
when other woman speak and say
I am so afraid of becoming fat
i think
so what ur afraid of being me/?
i am afraid of being me
i don't know
i hate the way i think sometimes
broken and useless
even though others see me as beautiful
i don't see myself that way
at all
i have this goal
and i thought that when i would have a man to love me and be there for me
and tell me that im beautiful
i would immediately see the kilos melt away
i would just stop eating and i thought this because
i thought that i was eating because i was missing that sort of love in my life
now i have a man to be with me and love me forever, one that i adore
i trust him so much
and i dont see any kilos melting
instead im the same or worse
eating like....
eating like a monster

ive never been this real about anything though and alive about anything and wanting to stay true tom something like....him

but me and my body .....have  

no balance
no rythym
no harmony
there is no harmony
with mind and body
 at all
and faith
faith is just forgotten

i ask myself
why then?
did your plan not work
well obviously you wernt eating because you were manless
i feel jammed
this is the only theory i had so what could it be that is stopping me from reaching my dreams

me? my soul
- i am the reason



i stop writing and think for a moment















clearly i realise very quickly

i have no bodily connection with myself at all

everyday i use my body
its over run
even if i slept too much
its abused
its used and used
and never ever looked at
i use my body and never give it anything in return
for its mind - i dont learn anything
for its heart - i dont excersice anything
for its soul - i dont give faith or love
for its stomach - i continously make it work
for its eyes - i continously let them see -
for its ears - i dont hear myself -
not
one time

i tihnk again
i dont know who i am
i really dont
and why have i let myself be like this?
useless
if i seperate everything thats happening to me
i realise that its all my dreams coming true

except all those dreams are up to god
so god gave me all i asked for so far
im sure he will in the future

are you?
do you think he expected you to do this?
for get him like this?
ignore him like this?
hate him like this?
regret things you say like this?
i dont know
God must be looking at me
crying
this is NOT what i thought she would do
i thought she would be better
kinder to me
realise that i gave her a new chance
one with potential never ending the burn
like fire and fire and fire


i look at myself deep
and think
your soul is the one troublin you all this tim
you give it everything it demands
food
sleep
money
relaxation

anything anything it demands
and when you want something back
it says NO
and you say YES
fine

you obey your soul
worhsip it even

sorry to say
you worship your soul
the childish one
your soul is the one feeding your worries
your angst
your weaknesses
your inability to maintain something
to continue something
to reach a goal
this goal or any other goal in particular

so ask yourself
why have i failed all this time ?