Sunday, April 28, 2013

where the messers reside

Everything will work out? right?
I will be fine? correct?
We will be fine? sure?
Things will be as I want? but what do I want?
nothing will be hard- sure?
Anything will be found out the right way
Things will be clear? OK?
so many questions in my mind for God the one who used to answer them I cannot hear
I feel isolated in whirlpool of agony not knowing where to start opening my pain - so many questions in my head and i don't know where to tread on this land to make it ..perfect
I feel so less perfect like a fat truck driving on the wrong direction thinking they're right
and hooting everyone at the same time
i want this and that and nothing to calm me for nothing can calm me now
because i am in the deep end without a life jacket
i am in the deep end without god
i am int he deep end without the one who gave it to me in the first place
i feel like a traitor and a betrayer
and nothing in between
i hate the way i make me feel
useless and demanding and weak
i feel so weak
and yet... a part of me screams to shut up and see the light trying to shine inside me
for at the end of the day i just want to live
and i just don't want to die each and everyday thinking about a future i cannot control
or rather a future i hav'nt asked for help in
for if god was by my side i would be ...relax
it can only go the way god wants it go so clearly this is the way
but that's not how i think
i cant think
i am empty minded
fat cells clogging my mind and clever ideas
and memory
i can barely remember my name
for i feel ..... so far away
from the planet of dreams
and the galaxy of faith
where the faithful reside
is my life happiness really determined by how many earrings i have?or how many more I can buy?

i find my priorities are seriously flawed

Ya Rab please find me for I just cannot find you
take of this blindfold so i can find you
Ya Rab answer the questions in my mind
and help me find
and peace
of the faithful
Ya Rab let me be pure
not so dirty like this
and unattained to
and unqualified to do anything
and unloved by myself
Ya Rab don't let me go back to the jungle
when my head is already a jungle
Y a rab let me take it all down
all down
for I just want clean space and emptiness
so I can draw myself
from scratch

so  i hold a pen and close my eyes........

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -