Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Marilyn in Hope (3)

God I miss him so much
the extravagance of his touch
and the memories in his voice
and the reasons for his choice
to choose me
God Its all my fault
I'm not strong as I thought
or beautiful as I knew
for my heart is blackened few
sins but large commands to become unknowledged
and powerless to believe
even though I am a believer
God I cant be me
for all I see, is him being locked free
I know he hurts but i hurt more
and I know he misses but all my arrows have missed
but I am the selfish crowd
harbouring cold and cloud
I dont know what Im going to wear
what if things go lost
at what cost?
will i survive?
Ya Rab , stop these ridicules in my head
I am a strong powerful sudanese woman born and bred
living slightly on the edge of life
and yet trying to always eat as much as I can from the world
wrong decisions prioritise my campaign
and the actual few right  ones I take in vain
yes no always maybe
marilyn monroe was never sure how beautiful she looked
and felt so alone even though the whole world adores her
I just want him to adore me
and to never forget me
and to forgive me

I dream into space
to think of the deepest part of me
and converse with its madness
but all i hear is nothing
and all i see are regrets
and all i see is weakness
and all i see is a weak woman
a weak weak woman
one who is ready to give up  the after for life
and the quran for facebook
and God for sleep
and  love for earrings
and time for death

slowly as I am alive

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -