a sad bud grows

I once hid a secret a long time ago
well I want it to be a long time ago
so I can forget and admire life

a secret that I didnt want
I still do not want
I still cannot historically forget

i may say I am fine
I am
i must be because God is kinder and greater than to be forgotten
but I may say  I will never be fine
becasue a part of me has been broken forever

not actually because of having to know this secret
but more so the heaviness of keeping it
Its very heavy
like my weight

I dont know
sometimes I feel like I know everything and i am grand
sometimes I feel like i dont know anything and i am tricked in smartness
arrogance
but its all just fear
of having to hold a secret for all time


here I am defnding
here I am smiling

I am so grateful for everything
and yet deep inside there
is a gushing wound
like a fallen waterfall of tears and blood
devastatingly flooding the valley of my heart

I may sound sad
i may sound tired
but really I am wishing to forget the day i found this secret
when i remember i cant remember it all
but i rememberthe emotions and the devotion I had
I remmeber i didnt ask for it
it just came
i remember
that questions got answeers too suddenly for me to breathe
I remember flying with broken wings
I remember dyinhg a million times with each word
i remember falling from grace

I remember a useless memory
and an untames heart
people said
god you look awful
i did
maybe i still do
becaue this secret is hrad to live by
this secret is hard to clean ...................