Sunday, March 4, 2012

a sad bud grows

I once hid a secret a long time ago
well I want it to be a long time ago
so I can forget and admire life

a secret that I didnt want
I still do not want
I still cannot historically forget

i may say I am fine
I am
i must be because God is kinder and greater than to be forgotten
but I may say  I will never be fine
becasue a part of me has been broken forever

not actually because of having to know this secret
but more so the heaviness of keeping it
Its very heavy
like my weight

I dont know
sometimes I feel like I know everything and i am grand
sometimes I feel like i dont know anything and i am tricked in smartness
arrogance
but its all just fear
of having to hold a secret for all time


here I am defnding
here I am smiling

I am so grateful for everything
and yet deep inside there
is a gushing wound
like a fallen waterfall of tears and blood
devastatingly flooding the valley of my heart

I may sound sad
i may sound tired
but really I am wishing to forget the day i found this secret
when i remember i cant remember it all
but i rememberthe emotions and the devotion I had
I remmeber i didnt ask for it
it just came
i remember
that questions got answeers too suddenly for me to breathe
I remember flying with broken wings
I remember dyinhg a million times with each word
i remember falling from grace

I remember a useless memory
and an untames heart
people said
god you look awful
i did
maybe i still do
becaue this secret is hrad to live by
this secret is hard to clean ...................

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -