Monday, March 12, 2012

16-60.5

another weekend , another week, another time, another crime, another , crime of waste of time......
but this time
this time
everything was different
I could do something I couldn't do for a long time and  I felt
like i was holding on
even though
 I am tired even though I am weak
I feel


able to communicate wit h the most difficult and unaccesible part of me

my soul

i feel for the first time in a long time

I have the upper hand
and i am not pushed to the ground
I feel like I have won a batle
def not the war...yet
but I feel ....like I have definitely won a battle

and I feel proud
I feel strong.....er
not strong

no im still diong wrong

but I feel weak.,...less
and meaning...ful
and a....ble
to do something harder


I feel like listening to music
like waking up early
like feeling hungry
like feeling energetically tired
like being forgiven
i feel like being forgiven
like being amazing
today I feel like being amazing
and powerfull
yes
I want to be powerful today
and


I want to be
Insanely beautiful......


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -