Sunday, March 4, 2012

sleeping ugly

one day I will explode
so they say
but I pray
that  I will be saved one day
before I go on the dying road

1987-
Am I not already there
on the dash of life
on the road to the end
I wonder about a lot of things
some things fear me
some things change me
some things break me
but mostly some things take me
to another dimension and I am stuck

stuck in this swirling portal
angry with myself angry with the world
angry from others angry from myself

yes I am angry from myself from being weak
from being bleak
from  being superficial

I am only unhappy that i am not faithful enough
here I am
trying to find the right words but really the words are in my heart and i cannot get them out

I am sad because i have not tried hard enough
i am upset not becasue of what i am i am so much better than this
but i am upset at what ive let myself become
yes
i have let myelf become still young
immature
still broken
still weak
still weak
loving sleep
like sleeping beauty/
no
like sleeping ugly
i am sleeping ugly
 
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -