Sunday, March 4, 2012

what is it that i am writing and becoming

i see something and I tihnk
god that is not me
i am so much better than that
there i so much worse in this world
i am better than that

and then i see better
and i think
i am no where near that

i am so much worse than that
i am no where near
that goodness
i am no where near

and then i think
where am I /
what have i decided for myself
what have i earned?
what have i asked and got
what have i asked and what have i forgot
what do i think
what do i think

what is it that i want
what is it that i neeed
what is it that i truly desire
what is it that i have earned
what is it that i have learned
why am i so stressed
am i really the best/
can i be the best
or am i a lie
and i just spy
on better people

what am i
who am I
what is it that i wnat
what is it that i want
what is it that i can achieve

how many times must i fail to pass
how many times must i cry to smile
how many times must i defend to win
how many times must i say yes before no
how many times must i break before i heal

when will it all end
when will it all be sent for review
wn will it be examnied
whn will it be marked

until then what will i do
its still on its still all on........
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -