Sunday, March 18, 2012

a beautiful mud yard prayer

amidst a sweet maghrib the azans call for prayer - loud beautiful meaningful happy proud alive romantic intimidiatin refreshing calming amazing

she prays for me
please let what i twant happen

itihnk
please let me start all over again

ido not deserve these prayers
here i am
tormenting the angels to accept or not to accpet
for they see a prayer
but they cannot take it
because i do not deserve it

I am a selfish girl
Iam an arrogant woman
i am decieving and cunning
and deeply bitter


all those words are on the opposite scale of an angels request
and so the prayer gets cancelled
even though the woman who prays is beautiful
is kind
and sweet and is probablydeserving of that prayer a million times
but
i do not deserve her or her prayers for me

Iam ugly
I am innerly ugle and thus i am a million times more ugly on the outside
Iam unbeautiful
I am lost
i am so lost

i dont even know who i am anymor
its like i have been cut
ino tiny pieces

and then put back all in the wrong place
i am confused and even saying that is selfish
becasue i shouldnt be confused
god gave me this lvoely fiath to take care of
and to keep becasue he saw something in me
but i destryoed it just like
youre doing very well is destroyed
i dont deserve anything
i dnt deserve anything

 
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -