Thursday, November 8, 2012

I forgot what it feels like look deep inside

3.14 am - I shouldnt be awake

but I               am
 listenin forcefully to the sound of twittering flies in my bathroom that I cant catch and worrying about unreturned deposits ...of life of life
I love it --- life
always .....
the hum of the refrigerator wafts and queitly the air con sings cold love to me
orange lights and good music or rather
a small window to the outside world
I ask myself
how much do you wana open and how much do you wana close?
can you control that?
i say: you can do anything you desire
like pain you can desire to leave that behind
europe can desire to forget
you can desire to remember
wishes upon long days and hot trains
to come here
in the middle of the sun and family
and grapefruit
you dreamt this and its happening
endless numbers of grapefruit tomatoes and anything sudanese
but suddenly i am lost
or am I stolen?
i dontk now
I am confused i know I am
but i realise this is exactly where i want to be
maybe i didnt account for hardships for othdr peoples eccentricities
but as for me
I am in tune with life
even if im scattered in thoughts
Its like I want to do a million things at one time
even though im not doing anything
its like i have a million things to do
even though im not doing anything
its like ive forgotten who iam
even though my reflection is the same
its like my memories have been shaved
even though my hair is getting healthier
its like im a stranger
even though im close to relatives

 i feel
confused and weak
unthinning and
the me I dreamt of
the love i yearn for
the me i demand
I always demand respect
but I ask myself
do I really deserve it?

where are you
I know you are here
I love you
but I cannot se e you
and that is wrong
you are not just a part of me when i am alone
you should be a part of me no matter where I go
I feel that there are changed things inside me
but there are bad things stil lthe same
life is an endless battle
but a beautiful one
and i want to live a beautfiul battle
one with good regrets and forever love
i refuse to believe i am not worth amazing love
and endless smiles
Ya Rab
I ask you to help me
I want
 I want to never dissapoint you family and me
I want
to succeed here
i dont want to fail and i dont want
others to see me fail
I dont want to run#
I dont want others to tie me down
and rope me and choke me
cut my air supply and leave me breathless

I dont want no one to control
that is why i always want to be different
i want to attract different
but good
faithful and strong
 ya Rab
i know i can do that
 I know you can do that
please help me

today is a good day
for i can go far far away to hear what i need
and still be in the right place at the right time


No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -