Saturday, November 17, 2012

waterfalls in the desert 2

I want to watch him love me
in the desert at night twisted through the broken down villages where beggars sleep and sick children play dirty with hope for nothing tommorow except tp survive leaning on the walls of a stolen house with 99 lights and ....beautiful cars....lights and cars and frozen ice with pasgianos flavoured after partys and mbc....drama in the air stipped by only a few metres a new world , where there are no fans to part the heat and there are no air conditioners to change the temperature and there is no good food to fill stomachs and thus hearts with calories of time - I watch pain here in the streets where there is no dancing there is only petrol shifting wthether up noses or out exhaust pipes I watch thirst here for expensive things  Iwatch slow death here through lack of loving oneself , though lack of understanding life through lack of wanting a better future - I dont want any of that
so why am I here

I want to watch him love me
through brown eyes and a clean moustache
smiling intimately understaning my every thought
I ahve extracted beauty from the desert
I want to hear him call me
from teh depth of his heart
I never wann to make him do anything
but I know he wants to be with me through every voluntary bone in his body
and I know its not desire
its more than what exists in this world
the  river combined with my tumbling emotion
passing bridges where water watches my war to cool down my heart
for it is an africa heart
hot and furious with lust to love to be loved
the only way possible
the right way

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -