Friday, July 12, 2013

what is wrong with me?

Feeling down cuz hes not around I missed his call and im missing all the inspiration of a faithful ramadan feeling dirty now like im an outcast am I really doing a right fast? the last ramadan where I will be like this single and alone and ...far away from home I am far away from Allah and his glory I dont know when ill stop this madness and look at myself correct thinking about all thats wrong insttead of all thatas perfect I am a strange charachter simple things worry me and great things dont effect me isnt it great to worry aobut being faithless on the first friday of ramadan the last ramadan ill be like this//// I feel...empty and untrusting of everything Ya allah help me feel better and stronger Ya allah let me change my ways and become the better woman the one with a more drastic cut off and happy beginning

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -