Friday, February 22, 2013

M & A 5... never calls me again

I feel like he's never gona call me again
what if he never calls me again?
will I die?
or will I live my life forever a lie?
im so sick of other people calling me
im so tired of other people words
im tired of my own words
i just wana hear him
i want to be classic
and i dont want to be tragic
 i see myself with sunglasses in mid afternoon khartoum going somewhere doing something
happy smiling like insanity
singing and feeling forever forever free
 i want to say things
but i dont
but there i can
i want to do things
that i cant
but there i can
I want to break so many walls
that i can never be strong enough for
and when i try
i only break myself
and when i try
i feel bad and sad
and fearful that he may never call me again
because a part of me fears its wrong
what if he never calls me again?
did you not think of that hope?
what if he says this girl is....
not like the song i thought she was
or like the hope i thought she was
or like the goodness i knew she would be
im so sick of people talking aboout me
looking at me
thinking about me
except him
what if he never calls me agian?
will i close my heart
will i fall to pieces
will i be broken like beautiful glass

what if i never hear his voice
what if he decides i am not his beautiful choice
im so sick of people ruining this
and choosing this as theirs
when its ours
but is it my fault?

what if he never calls me again?

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -