Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My knees hurt....

her eyes traverse my soul
I can see her healthy smart and strong
I can see her behind her veil proud and honest
I can see her in use of faith
I wonder how she looks when she prays

does she look intimate
does she look sound
does she look young
does she look poor

Please God let me honour your cause and be the one that knows knowledge for you
live because of you and grow up with you and for you
 i dont want earthly things yet - I care to supersede and rise never above you but for your love , for your attraction - I am working hard for you
and she turns over her mat at 5 am  cold wind slightly caressing her and an orange lamp smoothly devouring her eyes she lightly gets up and makes hot cardemon tea and silently begins herday studying , always for him - its always so easy then - its never hard

black makes sense to me then
it makes me see other colours as if I can see her heart
for she pours knowledge out
and didnt take that long
it didnt take that long for me to
my colours are black and her black is full of colour
it didnt take me long to see her place is high
and my high place is low
it didnt take me long to know
I am so lost
for I used to laugh deep inside and say
ha! always I am that little bit smarter

but I feel very vulnerable now
I am that little it weaker
that little bit unwiser
that little bit old

I wish for a new day
somewhere far away
where I can prove that black is filled with colour
and that eyes are honest
and God is mine to keep
thatnoone should take that
and that nothing can take me response
my vitality
my life
I feel stolen
I feel uglyand old because I lacking and cold
and terrified of so many things
when we were sent to be only afraid of one thing

and yet that one thing so important
I am not caring to
so how can my faith care to me
and how can my love care to me
and how can knowledge come to me
and how can love open for me
and how can challenges want to fly
and how can my future touch the sky


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -