the process of believing

How worried can one get
How strong can one be
one minute let me reverse my strength into all this agitation
because am so nervous , it hurts
what if Allah is angry
especially with the little things
with the things i do and the things i don't deserve

this large wonderful gift
that im still trying to come to terms with
but the counting is sore
maybe yes, maybe no

I always make wrong decisions
like when he says your feet are dirty
didnt even think about it
and now its stuck in my mind
why compete ?
there is no point


i just want to be healthy
i want to be strong
but i dont want to be right
i want to be deep and loved
and held well
i dont want everyone to know that
i want to be proud
but i definitely dont want to be arrogant
i am arrogant
i have  devlish component
all i ask that Allah
forgive me
help me
dont dissapoint me although i always dissapoint you
love me although i sometimes forget
have me change for i want to change
dont let me go
dont let me go