Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Feeling good

Although I ask myself why and why not
how and how not
is there really a need or is there a really a need not
I wonder upon the drama in my mind
those intricate cells of stupidity and woman angst that create a miracle of destruction for trauma, for unnecessary words until people say until the next fight
i dont like that
i dont understand what drives me so angry, so in misery about the next thing
I hate the categories i live by
and i miss the categories i dont know
things like calm and patience and respect
things like holding that anger bubble down
that feeling they talk about when i feel it
that soul that darkens with fury and loses drastic cool
that me
inside me that i dont like and the one inside me that i know about
the one i trust and love and need to create a new me
with intensity
with beautiful fragrance
with understanding and knowledge and good time
I ask myself
where am i
and do i deserve
i do not know
but i know i miss my faith
my asking
my responsibility
my fears
is it my fear or is it my broken down madness
is it my loss or is it my unintentions
is it my understanding or is it my weakness
is it my fear or is it my truth
why am i always afraid
would i feel better if this or that or this or that ?

I do not know

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -