Feeling good

Although I ask myself why and why not
how and how not
is there really a need or is there a really a need not
I wonder upon the drama in my mind
those intricate cells of stupidity and woman angst that create a miracle of destruction for trauma, for unnecessary words until people say until the next fight
i dont like that
i dont understand what drives me so angry, so in misery about the next thing
I hate the categories i live by
and i miss the categories i dont know
things like calm and patience and respect
things like holding that anger bubble down
that feeling they talk about when i feel it
that soul that darkens with fury and loses drastic cool
that me
inside me that i dont like and the one inside me that i know about
the one i trust and love and need to create a new me
with intensity
with beautiful fragrance
with understanding and knowledge and good time
I ask myself
where am i
and do i deserve
i do not know
but i know i miss my faith
my asking
my responsibility
my fears
is it my fear or is it my broken down madness
is it my loss or is it my unintentions
is it my understanding or is it my weakness
is it my fear or is it my truth
why am i always afraid
would i feel better if this or that or this or that ?

I do not know