Monday, December 6, 2010

untitled mess.... no love here

I'm just in a totally different worl right now
I'm sick with indentations of the past
pasts that Ive created
love that I desire

I'm broken into a thousand wrong pieces
torn into a million different hopes
lost into a hundred far away places
dreaming of 1 man
and 1 time
1 idea
and 1 destiny

sometimes i think I'm crazy
sometimes i hate who I am
sometimes I believe nothing can be mine
sometimes I just want to cry
breakdown he said

god why did I do that
way past the territory
way past my goal
bascally I didnt leave it up to you
i decided to take things on my own hands
really silly really
isnt it
quiite destructive soming to a new year
a terrible way to end this year
a terrible way to say goodbye
a silly way to be untold
silly really silly
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -