I think to myself
what is it that I've done
what is it that I've achieved
I think to myself
what is it that I dream
that I want
that I desire
that I Can do
what is it tha t I Can do???
I think to myself
what do I mean
how much can I succeed
when can I reach my goals
I think to myself
how much have I lost
given away
how much have I forgotten
like amnesia
how much have I forgotten
I think to myself
why have I done this to myself
been mean to myself
been a stranger with myself
been unfair to myself
been unkind
if I am like this, the most intimate person with myself
then how can i expect others to be good to me
I think to myself
how intimate can i be
how sensual can i be
how fulfilling
how passionate
i think
what does passion mean to me
is it kissing
or is it more than t hat
much much more than that
deeper relationships more than that
i think to myself
why have i placed all this pressure on me
all this ugly pressure on me
by me!
why force myself like this
why all the lack of trust
trust to be beautiful
trust to be kind
trust to be the one
i Think to myself
who is that i want to attract
truly ,
who is it that i want to attract
the more questions i ask
the more the layers peel back
of regret
of dissapointment
of honesty
of deep criticism
i think to myself
who is that i want to make proud
what is it that i want to hear
and see
and be
i think to myself
what do words mean to me
what is it that i want to write
i think to myself
are my prayers answered
if not what could be stopping them
but my prayers have been answered
so i think to myself
why would god love me and save me
when i am so arrogant?
i think to myself
i have treated god like a betrayed lover
he has done nothing but love m e protect me
save me
look out for me
heal me
give me options
give me freedom
give me thoughts
good thoughts
good memories
good times
beautiful country
beautiful family
he has give me faith
without faith i would have been nothing
he has given me the love for faith
the love for being good
and i
i think to myself what have i given god?
lies
depression
distrust
deception
failure
wasted time
wasted smiles
heavy burdens
weak heart
lustful soul
broken thoughts
recently i have been nothing but the last three
weak heart
lustful soul
broken thoughts
entangled and tangled within each other
until i am a viscious cycle of tears
and fears
and ... nothing
i htink to myself
i have brought myself to nothing
i have brought myself to a crossroads
like i ve passed it over and over always taking the wrong junction
i always take the one that seems better
easy
wonderful
sick with love?/
love ?
no lvoe is not the word
love is too gentle and pure for here
sick with pain
i think to myself
why this raod all the time
why this junction always
dont i know i will go down it and turn and turn and turn until i come back to start of the end
again and again
/?
i think to myself
just looking beyond
there is another road
it look smoother and softer
peaceful and wild at the same time
it looks fulfilling
and smart
worthwhile and gloriously loving
if i walk on it
it has the love i want
th elove forever
the love that last beyone eras and worlds
the love that never dies
the love that i search for
the love that i pray for
over and over again
( to be continued)
that love cannot begin unless I unlock it within me
i think to myself where is the key?
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