Thursday, May 18, 2017

reediting ... pre Ramadan

imagine an escapade of dreams bouncing into your life becoming a reality when you shouldnt be telling people your secrets but instead you do and you find your strengths in your weaknesses and your kindness becomes a sword for others to die upon. i
dont think am a nice person but people see me as
and i
dont see myself as worthy
of all thursdays
and all these plans
and all these papers
and all these methods
and all these strange but beautiful things
and i
dont see myself in stability of creation
always forgetting
always beginning
never finishing
I wish i wasnt the woman i hate seeing in others
this crippled thing where we told her not to do it 
but she did
and now she simply has no life , no dreams, no prosperitity
marriage simply.... roped her and she never knew when she wore that glamorous dress with sparkles and tied up her hair with diamonds that she was really being kidnapped into a world of commitment ... but commitment that just doesnt deserve. the type of commitment you dont want to have
the type of commitment that is ugly
you just give your life to someone who doesnt deserve you 

do deserve the best
but am i the best
and I
do deserve to fight 
but am i winning or losing
and i 
do deserve to ask forgiveness
but forgiveness for myself ?
and i
do deserve to give others my all
but am i the one? 
and i do deserve it all
but am i selfish?

what is the difference between selfish and self love ? between selfish and purity of soul offering only whats right

you see
i am a good woman tainted with life
and i am a good Muslim tainted by laziness
by lack of commitment 
by lack of fear 
but i should be afraid
because i am only a minute thing in the grandness of Allah's decadency
and I although want to create want to be want to have want to prevent want to go want to pass want to be learn want to eat want to live want to kiss want to sleep want to pay want to get want to gloss want to dance want to listen
am just a minute thing in the grandness of things

 i need reediting
 i need modifying
i need to commit to myself
i need to understand that this Ramadan is different that all Ramadans
for for the first time in my life 
i skipped a year
and for the first time in my life
i don't feel like a good person or a good Muslim
and for the first time in my life 
i am a mother
and for the first time in my life 
i want to win
the hearts of all .. beginning with Allah

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -