Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Am just the finger on the trigger

Theres nothing i can do to make my mum Nd dad better

But theres everything am doing to make it worse
Like a deep gash like battling against cancer like acid to the face like a bleeding body
Like world war 1 and 2 and 3 and 4

Like anger in the middle east
Like radical minds
Thats how my parents are
Ugly with each other
Mad with each other
Bitter to each other
Disconnected from each other
Angry with each other
And the worst pain i think

Misunderstanding each other
Amd here i am 
Like the shot in the gun
Like the hydrochloric acid in the acid
Like the tank in the war
Like the knife that cut and like the reason for misunderstanding
Here i am
Cant get my own life in rhythm

It really pains me how my parents are
And it pains me more to know im probably making it worse
By trying to make it better
And it really pains me my dads eyes and my mums getting older
And how she doesnt want to create new ways for him to love her
And he doesnt care if he hurts her
And she doesnt mind that hes far at mind and thoughts and it doesnt bother him that he doesnt like what she likes
Its a mess
A painful mess
And a beautiful wound
Of lovers gone
I dont see lovers no more
I dont see a family no more
I dont see happiness or communication
I dont see any of it
I only see bitterness and resentment
I only see 2 people who found themselves having to be with each pther
Almost as if they want to change it all if they could 
And maybe they tried i may never know
And i only see 2 people just 

Lifeless actions
And me the roll in the film
The tape in the recorder
The play in the dvd
I am their second generation of similar movement

It really pains me how my dad speaks about my mum and how my mum speaks about my dad
How my dad no longer cares and my mum no longer tries
How my dad is so far and my mum is so near
How my mum looks so tired and my dad tries so hard to find eneergy

It pains me that they would never think to go on a sunshine holiday together
Or that they would never invite each other out
And it pains me that he would probably never buy her a rose again or gold
And it pains me that she would never try to exercise 

Oh dear am gonna get caught
Crying in the wrong place

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -