Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Thorn mornings

AAnd thrn i realised how it was suddenly all my fault
For i had been going on the plan they had been making out for me
And i had been travelling on the road taken easily
Here i am a strong minded woman wanting to become soemthing if myself in the world of men
With the extra weight and all
With the extra hate and all

But i was part of the hate
And it was making me late

And i thought that there was enough kindness in the room to dissipate my anger in the mornings
As my devils were still sleeping
But suddenly i realised there can only be so much love before it shrivels up 
As i was asleep when it should have been watered
And i was wrong when i should have been right
And i was weak when i should have been strong
And i was upset when i should have been smiling
And i was gearing my cells to the wrong wavelength
Things should be getting done 
Things should be here on my lap
Not on theirs
Things should be near not far
Things should be happening
Good things

And i wonder
How many thorn mornings will i have to endure
Strangely our little angel is with us
But i realise our devils are just too great 
So here we are 
All apart
And all together pricking each other
And am scared from these itches were inflicting 
And these pains were deepening
And these moments were changing
And these traumas were suffering 
Easily and slowly
Its like the isis of love has come upon us 
And little upon little am scared of a disaster
For there are too many thorns on his skin
And there is only so many words that can be spoken as balsam

Thorn mornings... what is your medicine?
Must i pick out each one
Your pricking my family and my heart
Must i detox
Or become an amjad lover
Or be like my grandmother
An absorption of sponge love
And baring torment
Must i change the room
Or maybe the hours
Or maybe the clock 

Thorn morning- please go away and never come back another day
Leave me and my family alone
We want to drive together when the day starts and love each other and laugh and be merry
But because of you - we are not happy
And earthquakes are opening our base
We are falling
Thorn mornings
I will fight you
Until i change you 

No more salt
Lots of faith
A dream of love
A wave of independance

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -