Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Day 20

Day 20 
I dont know of somewhere here there
Horns feelings sadness happiness
Fat thin
Broken wrong broken right
Gold mending me nothing in me
I dont know
I just dont know
What this feeling is
Is it hate
Is it anger
Is it deep down depression
Is it loss
Is it guilt
Is it just the feeling of madness and i dont know
What makes me me and what makes me them and what makes me right or wrong
What makes us think and what makes us drive and what makes us believe in what we believe
Emotions
Fear
Remorse
Hate
Jealousy
What makes us fight and what is it we fight for and how long and how strong
Throwing tables
Writing messages
Rethinking never listening or being cornered
Learning from life to give to your new daughter
Believing
Wanting needing 
Not wanting for others 
Selfish 
Kind 
What is kindness
Passing beggars holding shopping bags
Theory politics
Or theory hard heart
Is that wrong or right a belief or not 
Where does it go 
Actions
Whos a bad person and who is not
You?
Are you a good person
Or are you a bad person pretending to be good or are you in the middle
Neither here nor there
Or are you just pathetic
History
Future
Today 
Tommorow
Life 
Death
Its all coming
So how ready are you 
How damaged and damaging
When will you be 
Ready?
When will you get there
When will you be there
When will you arrive
When will you stop the car and just sit

When will you just sit

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -