Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Sudan fairytale 1_ winter white princess

this time last year - i never thought i would be where i am today
wearing ivory a winter white tale
waiting for the snowflakes to fall in december
as i dance the tradition ive waited for all my life...
i saw it in pictures and watched it live
my eyes blazing for a try
but this time last year i never thought i could try
to be the live girl that other youngsters be
this time last year i never thought i could meet the man of my dreams
falling from heaven or breaking my own fall
i dont know but i never thought it would be
that he would find me
and i never thought i would go looking for a winter white dress
with lace and tulle and flowing armor
or ivory winter white delight
suprise i suprise my life
with winter white
I want to be right
about who i am and my choices
if i pause life i would see this is the answer to my prayers
if i turn off life and see the hidden overworld
i would see devils that ive let override me like the candy shoot
i just cant beat it
no matter how many times i play
they eat me and my desire and my happiness is their drug
they feed on me and my smile and the sun i look up to and the dreams i want
and the health i have
they carve me alive and tear me open and i let them
its all in the background
their evil cascading sharp knives searing me
they wait for me then to simply
dissapoint myself
and feel the s ame that day when i got a pass and not a distinction
the same thing
yeah you danced it was ok
but it wasnt... a distinction
they wont say it but
theyll speak it with their eyes
if only you ...

ivory is winter white and i love it
the soft memories it will create and the long dress no other girl may have
i cant wait for him to see and i cant wait to make my dreams fully come true
where are my emotions and my temptations to be that girl
before i become that woman
the page is still being written and i am only sad that i close it ...unclosed
for there is so little time bfore this book reaches the end and a new one begins
and i dont want it to be like that game
try again
no i want to win if its a competition
i want to break free if its a challenge
i want to sleep at night in the arms of who i love
i want to come to him for help
i want to ask him anything
i want to lay in his arms and place my heart on his
i want to cook roast chicken with couscous... and if they dont have it in sudan
ill work with rice
for i want to modify and try to be that girl who never finds a blocked wall
I want to wear ivory and be the winter white princess
with a fairytale beginning
 Iwant to be Sudan fairytale for real
for ive always called myself that and now this is the chance to be it
the girl ive been dreaming to be not just by words
not just by words anymore


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -