Monday, June 3, 2013

where have you gone/?

THere comes a time in my mind where  i cannot influence even myself
and i feel really small
because my mind is all about others and never about God or myself or people that i love
and there comes a time in my heart where i feel something else owns it
like sleep or the devil or the sultanate of the past
and there comes a time when i hold my fingers upon the letters and i cannot even remember what i feel so i cannot write


and i feellike i dont own anything in this world
except wasted space

Re: and yet I own the world because i am a muslim woman
young and free and in love
with life with a fierce man of honour and with success
and home earth as well as time
and health
and thoughts that are expensive
and a a chance to grow old
but stay young
i have the chance to get up on time if i want to
and lose all my fears if i want to
and become a new person if i say so
and stop talking if i mean it
and ask for nothing if i decide
 except heaven

right now
i am asking for everything but heaven
indeed i ask for hell
for i purposely want to do wrong things

so i ask myself
where am i?
am  i the black spot on a white piece of paper
or am i the rotten apple amongst a barrel
or am i hydrogen sulphide of a dying egg

i dont know
i just feel like
i dont deserve anything right now
except a little splash of disgust

AND YET>.....

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -