Saturday, June 22, 2013

Marilyn in hope (4)

Theres a time where I dont know who I am
I feel lost and strange in my surroundings
and i wonder where i need to go to feel at home
I feel like home is a far away land that I may never reach
for as long as I am in turmoil inside
then I am at war outside
with the human that I am
and the way that I look
and the changes that seem impossible because
they are impossible because I am impossible
because  I cant believe them
and sometimes I Dont even want them
because i think - I dont deserve them
and so I must bewrong
to be this happy
the hope that I once knew is gone
at least
at least
I used to feel sorry for myself when  i did wrong
now i dont even care
the hope i once knew is finished
now I dont even understand what is going on
and im too weak to try
its like the battle is already won and im still fighting
so im fighting a lost battle
ive let others take hold of my power
ive let others want things for me that i want
ive let others take from me what i want
ive let others enter and leave as they please
I am a huuge failure right now
unable to think for myself and
most dangerously
unable to do as i desire
there is no marilyn in hope
or hope in marilyn
there is no hope anywhere
i just feel dead , like her

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -