Wednesday, June 26, 2013

7 down, 2 to go

with one thing he says, he makes my heart beat  again and
my lips tremble again and my eyes scream again for his touch
waiting all day , for him to say...something to make
me trigger my life and love and for him
something in his voice makes me instantly admire my choice
and want to leave everything and be with him forever
I ask myself - how can I make him see that he's the one for me/
i guess with good options and a sweet heart
the one i used to have
but why have i gone so bitter?
could i really have let people eat me like that
and tear me like that until
all goodness inside me is ..optional
and not mandatory
i ask myself
his voice is the reason i go on
the way he drives me crazy and i want to be his baby
african soldier i think he is
tall and strong and yet kind and sweet
I feel god answered my prayers even though i didnt know what they were
 but i remember thinking this is my prayer coming true
and i had no fear or doubt or faltering for i just knew things were
and they still are even if parts within me need to be superglued
for i feel so behind in myself
and my wealth
and my treasures
and insanity
my yough
i feel older than i should be
and i feel younger than my age
my... pinpoint is off
and i must find it again
so i can gain
all and everything God wanted me to have
i call this year
the year of treasures and gifts
for since it started ive only recieved gifts
and i think again
either god is wrong in giving them to you
or you turned out to be not like you should
a master of faith and a beautiful muslim woman
where are you hope?
at least this repaying time i feel solid again even though
im weak
i feel solid a little bit
i should try to do things that make me solid

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -