Wednesday, June 26, 2013

6 down , 3 to go

ya allah

forgive me for ive let my gaurd down
i want to repay what ive taken without allowance
and i want to ask your forgiveness
can you pay me it for free?
its so expensive please let me afford your forgiveness
ya allah
i ask your remedy and your help
please help me pay off my debt
not because i have to but because i want to
because i want to offer you waht is rightfully yours
not even as a voluntary offering
ya rab
im so behind in my prayers
and my existence with you
i dont feel proud of myself
and icertainly ddont feel beautiful
i feel large and empty
i feel weak and never strong
i feel so indifferent with my steps and who i am
i feel challenged my simple things
like...doing something important such as 3 to go
and i feel yet a little proud that ive finally done something
so hard that should be so easy such as .... start remotely to fix my life
except im jealous of what i dont know
and i know jealousy is an awful thing
im jealous of my own life!
i dont know how i think anymore
i just know im tired
which  i know means im falling apart and i need saving by you my god

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -