6 down , 3 to go

ya allah

forgive me for ive let my gaurd down
i want to repay what ive taken without allowance
and i want to ask your forgiveness
can you pay me it for free?
its so expensive please let me afford your forgiveness
ya allah
i ask your remedy and your help
please help me pay off my debt
not because i have to but because i want to
because i want to offer you waht is rightfully yours
not even as a voluntary offering
ya rab
im so behind in my prayers
and my existence with you
i dont feel proud of myself
and icertainly ddont feel beautiful
i feel large and empty
i feel weak and never strong
i feel so indifferent with my steps and who i am
i feel challenged my simple things
like...doing something important such as 3 to go
and i feel yet a little proud that ive finally done something
so hard that should be so easy such as .... start remotely to fix my life
except im jealous of what i dont know
and i know jealousy is an awful thing
strangely
im jealous of my own life!
i dont know how i think anymore
i just know im tired
which  i know means im falling apart and i need saving by you my god