Friday, September 14, 2007

Afraid

Afraid to have my heart broken; shattering on the ground spilling dreams that were warm now surrendering to the cold tiles of an afterlife of betrayal.

Afraid to feel my heart torn losing any knowledge I once knew of love, thrown into an existence of a million regrets falling on the ground of failure.

Afraid to hear my heart crying, listening to the sounds of strength rupturing; then I would know I cannot stop the echoing of hurt screaming inside of me, the travel of weakness within me.

Afraid to smell flowers of pain born, blooming sadly withering the periphery of my heart’s desire to fall in need and imagine a destiny of happiness; A garden collapsing to a weed of sorrow.

Afraid to have my heart broken
Afraid to feel my heart torn
Afraid to hear my heart crying
Afraid to smell flowers of pain born
Afraid to know you and then to lose
Afraid to know you and then to receive
The news that true love can deceive
Afraid to look out into a world of a trembling shadow
Where walls close me in a darkened hollow

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -