Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The effect of a moment

I want to channel all my thoughts - before they turn into a self centered time bomb
Disturbing the madness within the walls of my teary eyes and cold lips
Asking myself what is the difference between my memories and my day dreams
I smile to the high rise hypocrasy of my definitons and the paradox of my nightmares blurring into the corners of my most wanted wishes
What i want to hate and love to love - how suddenly hating changes into something i cannot stop thinking about - loving -
My mind travels beyond the horizons of this day - over and up in a fantasy where i lay -
of true love and sanity gathered into one - but the oceans bring madness as i kiss you forever, together as one -
But together isn't the word - its like we are 2 halves of the same person
To open my eyes and be dragged back down into the rubbles of my conflicting truth would be a sin of hope
But then i have given myself up to be hanged by the criminal rope - of not knowing what to do -
Findings and discoveries cease to confine me
Wants and desires are too weak to imprison me
Behind the shadows of my doubt
No doubt
''This is where i want to be - ''
I hate to love what i should hate but i love and i cant stop
Dreaming of this unforgiving chase of beauty
Where loss might be the end even though i have gained so much
But is there anything as such
To find ......
Deep and surfacing on my face, outlining my trace of needing your touch to contain the borders of my exploding heart - ''its like you need to save me - ''
A silver moon silhouettes my company
Joining forces with my passionate mercanary
Pouring its feelings through my window of a shadow up - lighted to always follow me
Translating what I want to hear, the information becomes so near
'' i know you are out there somewhere'' -
Hidden by spaces and openness of buzzing desires,
Broken streets connect to become a journey
Mountains of escapades and tornados of whistling adventures
Drastic tumbling into the unknown season of the moment
I am unreachable by reasonablility yet flooded by understanding
''i will find you'' -'' i want to find you'' - i crave to see you''
Nothing has been so clear and i am left so unsure at the same second in time
like something i love to love but hate to love yet want to hate and cannot - but love

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -