Saturday, March 8, 2008

A try of hope

I’m sorry god for all the pain, when I take your name in vain
When I take for granted the kindness that you’ve given me
I feel so ashamed that I couldn’t be
Someone you could ever be proud of –

Feeling that you are angry shatters me to the core
I break within me knowing I should be more
A believer, a giver before a taker, a patient dreamer
Someone who isn’t a cheater – to the expedition of Islam

You give me all the right signs, but I insist to take the road misleading
Like a fool walking
Not knowing now where is the true way
Desiring I could find it and stay

Letting your sunrise prayers begin me
Your afternoon prayers consist me
Your late afternoons continue me
Your sunset prayer cleaning me
And your night prayer fulfilling me

Your words are the gold expensive material for the heart
Like diamonds where I cannot part, with their crisp wake to my imagination
As each letter was sent to beautify and complete this world
Encircling one promise forever told

Beads turning with the fingertips of my love
I wish that they could be strong enough to reach the one above
I beg within me they collect to design me into a girl with a dress of forgiveness
Subhan Allah, Alhamdulillah (thank you), Allahu Akbar (God, the greatest)
Please God don’t give me a face of blackness

I’m sorry for all I do wrong
I’m sorry for the bad memories I’ve hung
For all the days I wasn’t pure enough to be a Muslim
Radiating your energy into falseness so dim

Sometimes I wish I could change back time
And believe in the rhyme
‘God is watching.
Act like you know’
All my actions are like a show
And you are the honest grader – seeing how I flow

I wish I could impress you and make you be proud of me
But my film is losing as you see
As I lose my identity – to me
As I gain nothing but misery

And then I pause as floods of your hope expose me
To remembering that you are the nearest to me
And you are the forgiver so I can be – a new chance to save me
Clean again for you to see
And if I ask for your help, Inshallah you will give it to me

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -