Friday, March 7, 2008

Echoes in my mind_ ( The other part of me)

I fear that within all my interconnected lines – a deep dark soul finds its roads to continue – of the beaten track – where I’ve lost the evidence to convict its black – memories against me - pressing argumentative treason and all the wrong reasons to commit unmistakable mistakes through the drama of my life and fractioned dreams. I am (in – contactable) with myself, asking my eyes why they cry glass tears killing me, asking my breath why it gives in to contaminated air , suffocating me– falling and falling through the cracks that open wider as my damp hearted feelings dry - as my emotions fry – under a ruthless sun baking my fantasies into a bitter trauma – I am tasting of hurt – cooking madness – eating it all nonstop – as if hypnotised by an evil explosion of no control - and silent awakening of a confused master – within a surface glaze – seemingly undisturbed by any saga of this peeling mind - my desires weaken me as my faith abandons me – embarrassed from my betrayal – moments of a fool – seconds meaning nothing but calculable giving ins - I have so many unmanageable wants – all asking the same thing – to be heard loudly – but I cannot listen to all without straining myself beyond un repairable stretch – tampered with smile – torn from the stress – fingertip mess – splodging too many flaws on my no longer fit paper that once had the meaning of me spelled correctly – now it’s a failing exam- none of it is up to the standard of what I’ve become – a forgettable hum – even to myself – even though that’s never how I intended it to be – I desired to reach all the goals I wished upon –under the sun – but now I’m over the dark- thinking about my broken mark – where I no longer have a point to conquer – and I wander – somewhere in the depths of a misunderstood capturing galaxy – twisted in its laws – bursting with flaws - adapting me in its shape – an alienated escape – questioning my foreign, very foreign, foreign home – built in the undiscovered shadows off the motorways of my veins after the bypass of my heart – turning after my mind and driving into my soul but just after my dreams and finding a space of a place in the wilderness of that area that lies disturbed – and curbed – with frustration -

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -