Tuesday, October 9, 2012

this is not my plan

 this is not who I am
lost
bored
boring
queit
unhappy
tired
ignorant
weak
selfish
lacking
and
willing to sacrifice heaVen for a few hours of extra sleep

this is not what I want
late starts
unhealthy body
functionless mind
concentrating on the hot weather .....and food

this is noT how I want it to be
 a mistake
a chance closed
a time wasted
like all other times

this is not how I want God to see me
lifeless
useless
unworthy to be protected and loved
to be give n
memories and a future


this is all wrong
I am all wrong
I feel so unhappy
not becasue I am in the wrong place
but becasue I am doing all the wrong things

I feel so weak
because its like somewhere as I  was flying my strength fell from the sky
and my dreams vaporised
leaving this

an empty woman unsure where to begin
and what she must do

this is not what I promised my self
a new me
expanded only in beauty

if i continue like this
it will be the loss of all times
and the sadness that costs me all my age
and goodness

i have been here a week
so whats is going to be
sink or sswim?
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -