my faith ---- transitioning into a new me

Motherhood
welcome to a world filled with gold and flowers and hard times but also the best times
the lucky ones
yes the lucky ones
the ones not lonely
the ones who dont have it easy but also who have it difficulty beautiful
here I am
finding myself within  whirlwind of love , lack of sleep, loss of my old self and formation of a new ... me
one who is learning , collecting, believing, changing, loving, crying, sleeping... or not
some things are in the past
like my old alone self, irresponsibility and walking away
now im in love, proud, filled with a family
yes , i have a family
 i am a mother
 i am the mother of eman
a beautiful rich sudden bundle of joy who within just a miracle came
and although there are things i dont deserve
and dont realise how lucky i am
how really lucky i am
im here with my big mouth and big attitude and also big miracles
big big miracles

i never imagined these lovely days would come
these precious breaths and sounds and love cheeks and gorgeous eyes, big brown eyes and soft cry and i just feel relieved when she wakes and sleeps and that im simply not alone - nor am i unable to achieve - for i can achieve anything if i can achieve this

i am less than a month into motherhood and it feels like a blessing
but i am still in need of change
in need of finding myself now more than ever
in need of believing in myself now more than ever and ever
in need of being strong
being really really strong
and determined
so that i can give her not only milk
but joy, sweetness of health, sanity and beauty
she is already beautiful
shes more beautiful than i could have ever imagined
and i realise i made a dream come true


Mother hood is spiritual, physical, precious , hard and teaches you everything
with a bang
its learning how to do everything with one hand and having only 2 hours sleep
but its also being able to kiss those soft cheeks and hear that happy snore and feed that small tummy
and know she really needs you -
i felt it yesterday specifically - she was so hungry - she didnt even mess around like she usually does
she was just so hungry
and i thought to myself
this is need until it hurts
and i felt so sad and proud and happy and sleepy until it hurt

all i know is
2017 must be powerful
must be strong
must be no going back like this miracle of love i have
must be different
for its amazing how 9 months makes these perfect fingers and toes and ears and mouth and nose and eyes and tummy, and bottom and life - so fast - so perfect
and yet i have wasted years of doing nothing

Turn this page- and live

IF i had to write a poem on the most important day of my life and how my life will be an how i feel
And how i know will change forever
I dont know what the words would be
How the lines would go
How would one describe their emotion or their fears
Their hopes or their dreams
Or their moments of despair or excitement
Amd suddenly the silence is peaceful yet boring
And the excitement is tormenting but pleasing
And the fears are haunting but necessary

I realise that from today
I cannot look back
I cannot think of who i was
I cannot think of what i did or how i treated or how i thought
Or how i did or did not endure life
I realise that from today
My positivity and strength and responsibility must conquer
I realise that everything must stop
So that everything can start
Amd everything will be ok
For allah is with us and i will never be i again
And even in i - i will be transformed
Will be complete
Will be just simply found
And will forget
All things and turn the page of history
For here i am
Life bringing me to this point
Of calm
Of inner peace
And yet of a storm
That i know i will pass
And the answer lies within me
And from me and by me and through me
From now on

Lost in thought

Theres a lot going on
Good and bad
Scary and new
Refreshing and old
Within bounds and out
Losing and winning
Being thrown off guard and knowing
Believing although not deserving
loving although love is far
Censoring life although its so close to being raw
Hoping and wishing
Just not quite there
Where am i
How has life gotten me here
The young woman in the same place
In the same moments as before
Just completely different
Just completely shattered with thoughts and fears and hope and dreams
And everything in between
And nothing that is still here
Oh i dont know
I feel completely isolated
Completely un ready
Completely sad and happy
Completely heavy and light
At the same time
But my mind is unused
My mind is stolen from the natural and unnatural
My mind is the universes
Not mine
And yet everything is mine
And i remember the 2 week wait. How painful
How amazing
That am at the end
When i was always at the beginning
Always and never
And now am here
For the first time

A new beginning starts with loneliness

Theres a miracl inside me
One i didnt knowcould exist
Filled with peace

And outside there is Just disaster
Filled with pain
UnnecessAry pain
And what teaches you to grow
To grow different
To grow strong
To grow strange from that which you knew
From that which you heard and took hold of
That which you took hold of deep down and thought well or  bad of
But you held deep
To your heart
And you could feel and you could fight for it
Really fight for it
And you knew there was everything behind you
And suddenly
You are all alone
You are forgotten
You are lost
You are thrown overboard
And you are unaware of whats become
Like when theres just a new language u have to live by
And the old one is forgotten
And how nothing makes sense
And how you are so hurt
The anger and pain is just too much
Like ice in a winters night jabbing at your warmth of trust
Of comfort
Of life
And that ice shivers it
Breaks it
Cuts it
Moves it
And you have nowhere else to go
Well i do
Have somewhere else to go
And its to my miracle
To my existence
To change
Change that i want and accept
Not the change that is forced upon me
Never
And although am hurt
I will leArn to live and understand that hurt
That feeling of loneliness
Of distrust
Of lack of love in a moments heart
Of the great shift to just simply leaving you alone
For i am not alone

And i will accept my pain and live it

Just stop

You may not be the same person you where 5 minutes ago
A simple walk can change your whole life
A dofferent plan
Another way
And you say
I am on another plane
Another route than the one i was before
And its time to accept that
For otherwise there is no dofference between u and that heroine woman
Its not about fighting or resisting
Its not even about changing
Its just about accepting
About relaxing
About believing


Now i only see a woman
Just
So
Desperate
Honestly
Just so
Desperate

M&A... so in love , so out of touch

For from the moment he walked in through that big door my whole life changed. It grew. It surpassed all my love and expectations. He loved me for who i was and i knew that my heart was his. For he was perfect. Perfectly sweet . Perfectly kind. Perfectly honest. And he was mine amd he was mine forever and i just dont even know how to begin being thankful. And now here i am  a part of him like a flower growing and i just want to cherish it and water it and nourish it. And i want to say to Allah
Whats wrong with me? Why am i like this? So far away from my faith , from the goodness you have given me. I am sorry. Please help me and save me for i just dont deserve
Dear allah
This time i want to do everyrhing differently
Like become in love with faith again
And i want to not worry about things
Except those of the mind
Like beauty in knowledge and love and health

For i have done things a certain way
And now i want to do them differently
Cleaner

Ya allah you are my love
Faith is my love
He is my love
She is my love
They are my love
My family
And i just want to be a family
I want to be with him

For he makes me melt
Makes me love so deeply it hurts
Makes me cherish my breaths and who i am
Makes me glow to the whole world
Makes me connect
Makes me disastrously sweet
For i taste his love and its like the only thing i need to have
I love him
And i love m and a

But the a , i has changed
Its become ... lost
So lost
Like a fragrance gone wrong
I am so lost
And this is the time to believe
For i have lost believing in myself
And now i know
I cannot move forwards without changing that
Without being that woman that
Is the fragrance of time elegance and strength
And most importantly
Faith
For i know i can be better
Do better
Think better
Achieve
Want better
Even have better
And i know there is so much more out there for me than a small office and a purple laptop
And its time to figure that out


To be continued

M&A- am ready to give

Ive got so much to say

Its nowhere near how i feel

Like all these raw beautiful emotions 

Turning me into something i need to be

And all these intricate ways making me something else

Better

For he is better

And i feel fear

And i feel happiness

Ans i feel everything i should and shouldnt and its all that i am 

But theres still so much more

And so much else

I love his arms

The warmth and the pride

The honesty

I just dont care about anything else

Except all thats to do with him

And i miss him terribly 

Even when hes gone for a few hours

And i feel this 

This

Deep ache when i do something without him

And i feel like im flying 

When i do everything with him

And i do everything for him

And my tears fall when i think of his eyes

They glisten they turn around with truth and kindness

And i love his smile

And i love his ways

And i even love when he makes me mad

For it only makes me forgive him more

I just want to be with him

I just want to be there for him

And i just want to be the goodness he needs

The sharing of my heart with his

And im ready to share everything with him not just me

But what i can make and what i can give to him

The life that he needs and is waiting for 

Im ready to give

To be continued

Indian jasmine

Theres something calm about a chaotic house

When u cant hear but only your troubles

And the whispers of damaged things

When you cant understand why you dont fit in 

Or why they dont like you

Although honestly you do love them

Admire them 

And love going to them

But they probably only dont like you

And theyve never come visit

I wish maybe upon too good a things

Like very good things

I dont even know i deaerve

And if i open my heart there are only wild untamed flowers in there

And dry leaves and maybe a soren of help 

And turmoil

For i am the bad manager of my life

And i am the dissapointment of myself

I am the angey of my sorrow

And the pain of my disasters

I am my own never after

And whenever i go to the angels that dont like me i think

Maybe im just the devil i cannot see

And because of their pureness they can

My insecurities fall and tumble in their garden and my shame i sip in their orange

Today i felt worse

Like they didnt even ask me how i was

And that my mum was a poor cook

I know im exxagurating

But i really am not my emotions

I always feel simply... Broken when i go

Like i have no goodness

Like i have no emotion

Like i have no life or worse that what i like what i want and what i feel they will always hate 

They will laugh at my judgement always 

And they will laugh at my stupid choices

For they hate indian jasmine trees

And i .... Dont

And theyll never come visit me out of the soulfullness of their love for me but i ... Will

And theyll never want to have anything to do with me but i ... Always will i guess

Cuz im weak 

Like ill never wake up for subuh or ill never finish stuff i need and ill never ever be the womqn i truly want to become

And now here i am ridiculing myself

Trying to open myself bare and its just too sore

Trying to open myself to know and its just too wild

Who am i really? Where have i come from and where am i going? 

Do i really deserve all these good things

Or dont i? 

So angry

Am just so angy

So bewildered at this evil inside me

So frustrated

So unhappy all of a sudden

So lost

So in Denial

So weak

Am just sp angry that im this ugly

This mean

This unproud

This super highly agitated woman

So in turmoil

In destruction with myself

So tormented

Am so angry 

Just so angry

Just so so angry

No european thoughts 1

Feeling low

Feeling so bad it doesnt even matter anymore

Or does it?

That traumatising feeling i got walking away with a pass knowing i deserved it but didnt want it

Andnow

I dont want it either

I dont want this pass life

Just this undedicated thing

Just this loss of time

Cutting into it like knife

The good

And feeling the bad taste all the time

All the way

Unbelieving

Unpromoted by myself

Like she said!?

Thinks too much of herself

And when i was good when he told me i was excellent

I fell down

Maybe its my arrogance?

Maybe its my devils

Maybe its just me

Lost under the rain

Am i selfish? Am i proud? Am i ignorant?

I dont know

But i know i can be kind when i want to

Although its becoming harder and harder

I know ican be tough when i want to

I know i can be rough when i want to

But i know i can get confused when i dont need to and lost when there are other choices

Like waking up at 5.45 am when i could have and not 6.35 

It made a difference

I know i can be difficult but i can also let go

And try again

And learn frommy mistakes

All simple

My lifeis easy

Allsh made it kind and easy for me

Hemade it challenging and worth so much

He made it kind and he gave and showed me kindness

For i dont have to think about how much a dozen items of ironing costs

I just throow

And i dont have to worry about things that i see others always worry about

I sit here hapPy proud strong lucky and honestly 

Ungrateful

suddenly 1

Sometimes stories hit you smack side on the face
and you suddenly feel numb and simply... stupid for thinking the way you think
and being the way you are, and feeling the way you do and doing the things you do
sometimes you read a line and it affects your whole life
or you see a picture and it shatters your whole past
into  meaningless bottomless pit
filled with wasted time, disorganised efforts, and unthankful moments that you spend just living
not knowing

anything

sometimes you just sit there and wonder in awe about the woman looking back at you
who is she?
who was she?
what was she thinking?
how sweet?
how sad?
how lucky?
how .... unaware you are of peoples pain and stories , of life's miracles and tragedies
or leave the world and concentrate on you///


what are your miracles and tragedies
what are your concentrations and dilutions in life?
what are your stories and efforts, dramas and nobilities
or ugliness that you live by
what are your thoughts
what are your complaints and what are your strengths
that may be weaknesses in the hiding
and your weaknesses strengths in the hiding
what are your life earth moving moments
a kick?
a turn?
a roll?
a love?
a patient moment
a lazy life?
filled with
I am a good person and Allah knows so he continuously forgives and i get away with it
just like i simply ... get away with my life , every little step of the way
no living ,,, just getting away with it
and suddenly you read a story where there was no getting away with it
and yet there is surrender and beauty and pain and torment within me all at the same time
for you cant help but look at the bigger picture
that is so painful and yet so beautiful
and my heart just cries and melts at

me

for i am also painful but not beautiful
and i am so lost it hurts
and i am so far its blind
and i am so cold its white with black in my heart
just a dunk of ice where arteries and veins are
and yet i live, i breathe , i hope, i imagine, i pray...

do i/ pray/?
really?
is that praying?
is that really what being a good muslim is?
being a good person is?
being dedicated is?
the anguish inside me is from all that emptiness
the feeling that my life is not worth anything
that i never deserve
and that i am just waiting for the worse
and yet
Allah always gives me the best
always
and i am lucky
luckier than a lot of people
luckier than a lot of things
but not luckier than who im really meant to be


to be continued...

Echoes in my mind_ the lost woman

Here I am
exactly where i want to be
and better
but not kinder
but not grateful to myself
clogged up inside with feelings of ...
I dont know how to untangle them
is it weirdness
is it fear
is it loss
is it the questions unanswered
or the feeling
is this really happening to me ?
just like the office or like the miracle inside or like the work or like the man or like the everything
that im so lucky to have
Allah is with me and has given me and has never been stingy with me
yet I
am bitter
I am lonely
I am lost
I am crowded with everything but him

its not to late to say good things

its not too late to feel really happy
or to feel really proud
its not too late to feel smart
or to do smart
its not to late to be kind
and to say kind things
to let go of aggressiveness within you
and not let people or things agitate you
its not too late to be strong
to be wild but to be behaved within yourself
to respect your choices but to not cave under them
its not too late to be pronounced with gladness
to be understanding of the situation
to believe in Allah
its not too late to be ok with who you are
to forgive yourself
to change for the better
not change because you feel worse
its not too late to be presented
to take care of yourself
to love yourself so you can love others
to truly be patient
and be kind
its not too late to be mindful
to be hardworking and to be adamant
its never too late to be wondrous and glamourful mentally and physically
its not too late to be you
before you are two ....

Questions for self.....

• Do you complain? All the time or just sometimes?
• I complain all the time ... always I see the wrong in things and i try to make it like everything is breaking me ...
• Do you often discuss what’s wrong in the world more than what’s right? This includes the ‘terrible’ weather, ‘horrible’ traffic, ‘idiotic’ government, ‘lousy’ economy, ‘stupid’ in-laws, etc.
• yes - i cant stop thinking about the bad people in my life or the bad things they do or even the bad things good people do in my life and of course... the bad things i do and the badness within me 
• Do you criticize? All the time or just certain people?
• all the time .... most people and definitely certain people - im always angry
• Are you attracted to drama and disaster (can you unglue yourself from the TV when there’s a news story of a disaster and can you avoid getting involved in the lives of dysfunctional celebrities?)
• yes, no and no - im always on the breaking news and going on google to see the random faces of people died or murdered and always spend forever on msn just reading about celebs 
• Do you blame? All the time or just certain situations?
• i blame whenever i can - i blame myself , i blame whoever is responsible i blame people yes
• Do you believe that you have no control over most of your results?
• at the moment i do i used to be strong i used to believe in myself and work hard and never giveup but now im just a pathetic scared fearful thing 
• Do you feel like a victim? Do you talk about people doing things to you?
• yes - i feel like am a victim to the world to sudan , to bad things people or annoying things people say to me ... they always say mean things to me theyre always out to get me 
• Are you grateful for what is or will you be grateful when things finally start going right for you?
• ive waiting for as long as i can remember for something like this to happen,i just did not imagine i would act like this. now its here im a completely ugly person . the exact same things i did when i got married. i just stopped being faithful
• Do you feel like things are happening to you? Or do you feel that they are happening through you?
• happening to me. im feeling like the world is toppling on top of me 

Lost in nothing

Here i am... The angels around me... But they break with all this unnecessary hurt im giving them ... And here i am tarnished when i should glisten and here i am in despair when i should be so thankful and here i am in fear when i should be in calmness and here i am in trouble when i should be strong and meaningful and here i am in weakness when i should be in beautiful control and here i am in sadness when i should compare and here i am in madness when i should understand it all and here i am in lonliness when i have the best and here i am in ugliness when ihave all the beauty and here i am in total confusion when i should simply be ... Present 

Friday joy... A new start

Friday chapters

New feelings and born ideas and strengths

Friday beauty in its peace offering

Its honesty within those hours of calm

Of subtle work

Friday quench of all the weeks trouble and divine chance for making a miracle

You

Friday existence

Always a proud honor to be a part of it

Adding more

Adding new

Adding something

Something

Changing something

Making something

Believing in yourself and in your goodness

As i start this friday i think 

All i want is to be obssessed with myself in the healthiest happiest of ways

Dear Allah

DeAr allah

Thank you for your treasures

For your secretive hidden ones that are hard to  find

For your  processes that bring me happiness even though i am not worthy and selfish 

But i know that i am a good person and that allah is there for me... To forgive me

And dear allah ... I thank you for your kind gifts Nd your expensive gifts

Your moments of hardships that give me those everlasting happiness

Ya allah

I ask your forgiveness

Your joy

Your situations thT teach me

That bring me sucess all from your patience

Ya allah

Forgive me

And bring me closer to everything healthy amd good

Ya allah 

 

Me i just want to be me

Why do i love the house of angels that dont love me? 

I love their space, their tries and cleanliness that suceeds., their good thinking and healthy yumy delicious sexy food, made with the upmost care and love 

So much love you can see flowers breaking free with joy dancing around the house

Floating above the faith

Releasing joy and happiness and strength wherever they go

I love their garden

Filled with identity and questions being answered

New things

And nice things

And pretty things

And things thought of and dreamt and hard work paying off

I love their pigtails and their toobs that are fresh and plain coloured

Wasnt that my idea? 

Just like the strawberry smoothie

Also my idea

So why does it feel a million times nicer at their house

It doesnt feel like the world at their house

If feels like discipline is easy and beauty is sound and everyrhing is possible or impossible and it feels like a palace

And then i look at my own home and i think 

I am a lovely person maybe more than them 

I am a clean person i am an imaginative person

A modern and exciting person

And so i deserve credit for my own home

The one my family built and the one that ive been living in... Happily, calmly, sweetly, kindly and honestly i do love more than anything

But i want to improve 

I want to merge my own greatness with theirs

My own imaginations with new ones

My own explorations with theirz

I want to mix my life with the goodness that o see

The role model that i want to reach

And i only want to go forward

Want to reach somewhere 

Want to be somewhere

For i am in the middle

For i look at a house like this one

Once something now just nothing

Worst than nothing worst than evil and worst that pain

Just scarecrows and blackbirds

Just black clouds and rotten things rotten  rotten things and rotten feeling

Really that apple with worms inside

With complete failures and complete devil  employment

This house is a manly gross monster

Like a broken down hotel with no identity

Just a bunch of people living together

Trying to make something of themselves

With the ugliness thatthey have

No flowers here

Just bats hiding in the trees and misery blowong in the air

This place is maddening

And yet

Here i am comparing some partsofme with some partsof it

Yet alwayz i come back to my dreams

Look forward to the place i want to be like so much and that is...

Me

The phonecall

Aw thats nice

Just a telephone filled with prayers

I dont deserve

My love is channeled to those who dont want it and yet to those who do ... i fail

I feel like i am a mutter of unnecessary broken things inside me

Like turmoil within me

Why am i like this,?

Unfair and mean when theyre so nice

But i know that life is balanced

And just as i am kind they are also selfish 

But i am indifferent to my emotions

I do love my family

And i dont particularly deserve all those prayers

If i hadnt answered no prayers

Simple as that 

So why do i deserve? 

And here i am thinking about other people

Like a love affair

Someone elses family

Someone elses tries and hardships

Someone elses thoughts and way of life

Exactly like an intruder

And yet i am still intruding

Yet where i am accepted and loved

I dont feel like i belong

Now that is tormenting and evil and a personality shocker

I belong in my family

No one can choose their family

And i love my family

The ones who have failed me i can only simply fail them

The ones who have dissapointed me

I can only simply try to let go

The ones who i cannot understand i can only simply try to ignore the misunderstandings

The ones who i have fought with

I can only simply ask for forgiveness 

The ones who anger me

I can only simply hide those blazing emotions from the camera

The ones that care

I can only simply care back

And the ones that love

I can only simply love back

But whatever i do 

I cannot substitute 

I cannot love another family and hope and woth for their familial love back

No i cannot and i will not

Striving for...

I love their atmosphere

Like clouds of soft calmness and perfection instilled upon a world of drama

No, no drama here

Just the discovery of fresh flowers and juice

People connected like goodness is to a sweet heart

Beautiful draping curtains

Outstand a carefully created garden

Grown for hope and freshness

Like the tasty aubergine musaka amazing friday lunch they may have

Maybe with a new recipe of cake at the end

I see the fresh toobs 1/3/5 colours ironed crisp in the layers of beauty of their home

The dove used monthly

The antiques in the bathroom

The joys of a perfect wonder of subtle people heroes of their day

And yet... I dont like everything

Not their protruding boring extravaganza of talk 

Or is it that my words are so monster i see theirs as magnifecent torment of silence of discipline

Yes discipline 

That i definitely do not have

Oh i wish i could live there

Or would i get bored

If i learnt about the mechanics

The travel of light of a new day

Electricity or not

Shines through their windows and doors

Even when closed

I am desperate for their love that i will never have

But what i want more than ever is to find a resolution

With myself

A space to love all i have so that i can turn it into what they have... And what i have

Now that would be special

That would be unique

And magnifecent

Beautiful khartoum 

Meets travelling beauty

Meets artistic knowledge

And happiness

Yes., i love them 

But i love my fantasy more

more than a gift

Do you have a name?
is it joyous or magnificent or proud
is free but hte most expensive gift on earth
is it unbelievable or tormented with happiness
is it beyond speakable trust in you
and in myself
is it beyond explainable dreams coming true
i just cant feel it or even come near to grasping it
or even controlling it
realy me?
is this happening to me?
but iam the one who doesnt deserve
theres a difference between one who doesnt know do they even deserve or not
it doesnt matter to them theyre not even on that level  of
what does Allah think of me?
but I am the one who always hs this conscience tht hurts because i waste all good things given to me
like money
or beauty cream
or good salads
or books
or magazines
or anything
and so i think do i really deserve  a new gift upon all others i have?
but this isnt just any gift
no this is beyond a gift
this is beyond happiness
it is beyond my belieifs
this is beyond faith and trust and hope and love and laughter
this is Allah loving me
cherishing me
having me with all my sins
accepting me
having me in his arms and giving me this treasure
this is Alh wanting me and not giving up on me
when i gave up on myself


to be continued .....

Dear Allah _ thank you and I am so happy

Dear Allah
no matter how much i thank you
it is not enough
not enough power , not enough words, not enough kindness within me to convey truly how much kindness you have given me
there are not enough ways i could begin t cover my gratitude and all the happy feelings i'm feeling
whether they're right or wrong
justified or not
i could not thank you enough for your love
for your kindness
for your trust in me
for not making me in that percentage
for helping me and fixing me
and changing me
and helping me to change my heart
Dear Allah
I thank you for your offerings
and for your blessings
for your promotion and for your true heaven that you have instilled upon me
Dear Allah
there's nothing wrong with being happy
theres nothing wrong with loving your gifts
with feeling proud and happy
with feeling kind to yourself
with feeling like
yes i do deserve
yes i can have
yes I can feel all the things i wanted to feel and all the things i wanted to have and all the things i yearned to dream can come true
all from Allahs giving
and miracles to me
i am so happy
and i am not going to be afraid of being happy
am not going to be inconsiderate of my feelings
or my experiences
whats been is been
whats happening is happening
and am going to live that
with every happiness in my soul
Ya Allah
I just cannot thank you enough
and i cannot thank you truly and honestly for all the beautiful things you have given me
thank you Allah
thank you

turning mad

Hello there
you are a fool
not knowing anything about your turmoils you only add some
here you are today
super in your dreams
and yet you want to be unhappy
you want to be sad
you want to be worried
and yet
allah gives you success
gives you fresh days
gives you a promise
gives you a chance
but you dont take any of that
you just like to take the trouble of the devil
that evil friend around you
telling you its just not going to work
and so you cannot enjoy
cannot believe
cannot fathom
cannot prevent pain coming to you
you are wrong

you are driving yourself into misery
and you need a new way to exit this madness
for really you re turning mad

A bad thought of selfishness

Ya allah 

Forgive me

For i have made so many bad thoughts generating from my stupid evil brain cells that i deserve to have nothing

I deserve nothing

But i ask u to forgive me

For i am weak 

Weaker than all 

The weakest

Feeling so easily tempted to think these bad thought

Ans these bad ways

And these selfish moments

But u are kind ya allah

You are most forgiving

Forgive me 

Ya allah

Im sorry for the first thoughts that come out of my head

Simply

Please dont punish me for them 

Please dont take your good because of my bad

Please dont hate me because of my evil ways ya allah ya rab

re: everything about me

you have to throw this waste away
if you feel better , then you feel better
if you feel bad, you have to realise a lot of it is in your head
if you feel lazy you have to remember all the energy that got you here in the first place
if you feel down, you have to remember how long youve been waiting for this moment
if you feel helpless , remember you are helpless
except to pray
if you feel weird, then try compile a new system to feel
if you feel impatient, then remember the time will pass either way
and remember fanta
theres just no need to be impatient
remember the trust in the way the world works
if you feel sick, remember the deaths of others due to their sickness
if you feel wicked , remember the angels around you and within you
if you feel tormented with fear, remember their is no fear greater than allah
if you feel lost, remember how you can find yourself
if you feel taken by life and swirling in difficulty, remember a new experience will always be hard
dont make it harder than it already is
dont make it difficult for yourself
dont make it strange for yourself
dont make it a horrible experience
dont make it a broken experience
dont write your own fate
let it be written for you


..... and live 

feeling not myself

my biggest fear
losing
my biggest weakness
believing in that loss
my biggest misunderstanding
my body
I dont know how to react to my body
my biggest miscommunication
my happiness
my biggest disaster
my troubles
my mobile
my readings
of everyone elses fearsm weaknesses, misunderstandings, miscommunications, disasters and troubles
 I wish i was dumb
I wish i didnt know anything
I wish  i just didnt care about anything
I wish i wasnt so clever
cuz im just not clever
I wish i wasnt so lost
i wish was reassured not mechanically
but through my soul
I wish i wasnt so tired from the heart
I wish i was kinder to myself
I wish
I wish
ayamun ma3doodat
so how are you going to count them?

The flat woman

I got to feel better

Its not going to work like this

Am a mess

Am a train wreck

A broken fool

For the devil to walk on me 

For the blackbirds to poo on me

For the screams of fear to echo on me

Its all a bad effect

A Weakness

The result of poor eman

The result of nothing inside me

The result of all the ropes ive let go of

The result of all the words i havnt read and the commitments to allah i havnt finished

And yet hes still kind and honest to me

Imagine giving a million pounds just to someone

Even if thatperson wasnt good or even if they were even bad

Wiuld u 

Never

But allah gave me

More than a million pounds

No wonder am a plane crash of a woman

Ya allah- priceless is worth a lot

Dear allah

You chose me

Thank you for your timeless gifts

For ive been waiting

And you didnt forget

And you didnt delay

Although i dont deserve

And now here i am

With a priceless gift

And suddenly i dont care abiut black dye being the epitomy of beauty or deepened flowers and the whirl of expensive and troublesome things

It just doesnt matter i cant stand the difference

For i feel different and i look different 

Love is in my body and all my hopes and dreams

So i dont care abiut the blacknesso f flowers and the twirls and twists of a simple story 

I care about the big story

The one ive been waiting for

Helloo

What happens when your dreams come true

All their details and love their beating heart and their secret findings

All their minute details and your expressionless moment

So at that moment

You dont know what to feel except be proud and motionless

To be continued...

Dear allah ... Thank you for today , for this, for now

Here i am

In a balcony almost unbelieving of my gratitude

From the simple silence that hosts the miracle of a 4.07 am balcony

Where u will never find this peace here like this

A miracle

I let the cool wind embrace me 

Another kindness

And the stuff that came

Another prayer answered

And 40 days in 

Another day counted as a blessing

For here i am 

Under the umbrella of allahs giving 

And yet

Am a nervous wreck

My head hurting my body trembling

My mind a cold sweat

Diseased with worry

But this balcony saves the day

Sways the night

And heals me

For my body doesnt need this right now

No it doesnt need this stress

Rather it needs to be reminded how glorious it is

How wondrous it is

How amazing its doing

And im expexting from it only what allah desires

Ya allah help me reach whrre i yearn

Let it my time 

Let it come and relax me

Help me and protect me

Mainly frommyself

For i kno u wil only give me what i cam handle

Just thank you

Dear allah 

There are no amount of words to let you know how lucky i feel

How happy i am 

How strong u have made me in a time where i could have been low

There are no words to let u know how direct i am in my feelings to let u know thank you and that i love u 

Yes i am scared

But i know i could never ask for more

Dear allah 

Thank you for everything for now

For then

For tomorow 

For everyday 

Thank you ya allah 

For how i feel right now

For all the kindnesses you send along my way

Thank yu for all this

Thank you

I cant thank you enough

Thank you for this ya allah

I can just feel your presence 

Your love

And i am here

Pkeawe allah 

Dont let me go 

Hold me in your arms and never let me gofor i desperately need ur love

And your treasures

Accept me and help me and forgive me

And dont let me go

Protect me

And ya allah samihni

For i love you

And i love who i am because of u

And i love how i look and 

What am feeling

And what could be happening to me

Ya allah 

Please take away my worries

Take away my mistakes

And help me add credit which i so luckily nees

Ya allah 

Devour me in your plan 

Please allow me to be this new gift i beg for

Please allow me

Please help me ya allah 

Please help me

Nothing that i should be

Am worried sick

I cant get over this worry

Am very strangely gloomyy

When i should be a miracle

Am feeling lost

Not that woman i need to bam breaking apart

Am weak

Am just a soft mess

Just a liquefying degeneration

Am totally useless

My thoughts are malignant

Killing all healthy within me

Killing all nice

Killing all promises and possibilities

My thoughts are just taking over

Waiting for death...

Right now am nothing that i should be

I am here .... those underground stops

am feeling excited , promoted, existing in a circle of love
im feeling trusting, joyous , proud, new, motivated

am feeling urging, gotta change my whole self, my whole being, my whole expression

gotta be more like eliaine
would never shout
would never be ungirly
would never be unsweet
everything would be sweet
for her
and how she does things
or asi
the strength of  horse and the queitness of a princess of the fields
such fierceness and yet such calm
like  a slow storm
like an unpredicted future but a one i yearn for and pray for and wish for
like that calm storm or the princess in the field
for i conquer my body and Allah gives me what he desires - i have no control but to wish, but to admire, but to believe, but t hope, but to love
as much as I can
from deep deep inside
to change and be the one i need so Allah gives me wht I need
for i am here
i am here
awaiting change
awaiting strength
awaiting a miracle
awaiting the hope within me to rise

ll those times on planes i dreamt and wished and prayed
all those times crossing bridges from wedding parties
all those times late at night in bed as a young girl looking at the stars and setting the alarm clock for school
all those times alone in apartments
all those times in the tube alone in a city - i was always a strong woman
i was always with Allah , he was always with me
i just realised i forgot this
i forgot that girl that didnt know how good her future is
the girl who worked hard and trusted on that future
the girl who made mistakes yer but who asked for forgiveness more and more
the girl who loved, who took care of her , who took care of me
no matter how hard that was
and now I ask i take care of me
I ask Allah does not let me go

I ask that the skies open up with gifts
and the roads silence with bowing of life
i ask the road then lengthens
i ask an bothar fada is fada
is long
for ya Allah i am awaiting this journey
i am awaiting your treasures
i am awaiting your miracles

be patient and believe

give your body a break
like how its been through so much and yet it still does
like how you need to relax and think of that heart beating for we are well past
for you need to think bout how lucky you are and how important you are
to ALlah
for you need to remember that although you have your mistakes , you also have your goodness
for its important to love yourself , and believe, challenge and want
dont fear
dont succumb to that gripping terror of brokenness
no
just let it be
and the days will be ok
the travel will be ok
 the time will work
and the body will change
trust your body
for it has always been your friend
always been there for you
always been kind
its you that was lost , all those times will prove to be the result of your impatience and disbelief
so now
be patient and believe 

the process of believing

How worried can one get
How strong can one be
one minute let me reverse my strength into all this agitation
because am so nervous , it hurts
what if Allah is angry
especially with the little things
with the things i do and the things i don't deserve

this large wonderful gift
that im still trying to come to terms with
but the counting is sore
maybe yes, maybe no

I always make wrong decisions
like when he says your feet are dirty
didnt even think about it
and now its stuck in my mind
why compete ?
there is no point


i just want to be healthy
i want to be strong
but i dont want to be right
i want to be deep and loved
and held well
i dont want everyone to know that
i want to be proud
but i definitely dont want to be arrogant
i am arrogant
i have  devlish component
all i ask that Allah
forgive me
help me
dont dissapoint me although i always dissapoint you
love me although i sometimes forget
have me change for i want to change
dont let me go
dont let me go

twins.... i shouldnt have seen

Feeling.... low
Feeling ... high

dont know

Feeling lost

That woman probably saw the new on paris and never thought it would happen to her... or her beautiful twins

I feel so sorry for ... them
for life ,, sore as a bruise

wallahi, nothing to do with religion, or politics, or anything, just a pain of hearing and seeing those twins lose their mother

and the mother lose her plans with them, lose life with them, lose advising them, being their for them, travelling with them, more so losing her personal life with them

for suddenly those twins are famous and im sure she would have been afraid

its hard to ask the question why, there is no answer
but there is the loss of pain , the loss of trouble
the loss of torment and grief that ana and elsa are on their own

almost like a fairytale,., theyll be growing up saying they lost their mother when they were 3
suddenly, it may change them forever, to the best i hope
i hope their father remains strong

i feel like ive lost a dream with them too
i feel like ive learnt of a new sadness i shouldnt have heard
interfered in a life i shouldnt have
touched by a story i shouldnt have learned
sad
lost

those twins... are almost like ..........

Final solution... Hidden details

You didnt say so i wont ask

I didnt say but you asked

And you asked so i answered

Such strange times

Strange things

Moments 

Circles

And affairs

Such strange everything

Like how i feel the words of others and they dont feel the words of their own

Like how i wouldnt say things like that or would i?

Like how how talking is like a thin knife being held against you

Like how i always feel under test

Like how its sad all the fine details missing

A history

Missing

A future untold

People just yearning to succumb to the best

But what is the best? 

Even i dont know

All i know us i want to be the best

work writings_ pits and falls

asking about love
asking about needs
needing love
and needing needs
I ask you Allah that i look to me and that you take care of me
over the skies and under the moon
that you look upon me inside and out and outside and in
judge my sanity and close my wrong doings
break my fall
and dont leave me out to the wolves
Ya Allah
I need your help
desperately
honestly
hopefully
in need and in desire
in anguish and in pain
in honesty and in passion
i need your love , i need your help
i need to wish and see
i need to ask and dream
i need to get bigger and bigger
i need to get smaller in wrongs
in mad mistakes
ya Allah be there for me
help me and save me
and surround me with
your excellency and treatment
for you are royal than royal
and happier than anything
i wish that you give me the seed of that happiness and i will water it and look after it
please look over me
please change all of me
please have me with my flaws and failures
please write me into your goodness
please i ask you for your kindness and what i dont have
ya Allah i ask you for what i dont have
for i am a selfish slave
but i could never be selfish other than with you
for i know you can only give and never take
and i know you can only love and never hate

Ya Allah
I am here

المذيد

يا الله

انا طمعانا

في حاجات كثيرة 

مثل الكثير

و مثل الجميل ومثل الثقيل

ومثل المصير الجميل

يا الله انا سمعت قصص حياة ناس صعبين وكمان شفت قصص ناس سعيدين 

مثلي ومثل الاميرة kate

فيا الله انت اعطيتني السعادة و كمان الجمال وكمان العايلة وكمان الوطن وكمان الشطارة التي العب بها مثل العجين ومثل الدراما الفاشلة و مثل الانهيار العصبي 

اتمنا ان تبعد مني الخوف و الالم والفشل والكسل

فان الكسل والفشل اولاد عم 

بس مثل اولاد العم البعيدين الافظع من الغربة والمجرمين

بمثل ما اعطيتني اطلب المذيد م

فانا عبدة غيورة و انانية و اريد من ربي التي اطلب منه الكثير والتي عنده صغير

واطلب منه المذيد مثل ما الصحراء تطلب المطر و مثل ما المريض يطلب الدواء ومثل ما سناء صبرت

ولكن انا لا استطيع الصبر 

فانا عبدة ضعيفة وشكاالة ومثل الطاووس

اطلب منك يا ربي السماح واطلب منك المذيد يا الله اعطني المذيد

Feeling good

Although I ask myself why and why not
how and how not
is there really a need or is there a really a need not
I wonder upon the drama in my mind
those intricate cells of stupidity and woman angst that create a miracle of destruction for trauma, for unnecessary words until people say until the next fight
i dont like that
i dont understand what drives me so angry, so in misery about the next thing
I hate the categories i live by
and i miss the categories i dont know
things like calm and patience and respect
things like holding that anger bubble down
that feeling they talk about when i feel it
that soul that darkens with fury and loses drastic cool
that me
inside me that i dont like and the one inside me that i know about
the one i trust and love and need to create a new me
with intensity
with beautiful fragrance
with understanding and knowledge and good time
I ask myself
where am i
and do i deserve
i do not know
but i know i miss my faith
my asking
my responsibility
my fears
is it my fear or is it my broken down madness
is it my loss or is it my unintentions
is it my understanding or is it my weakness
is it my fear or is it my truth
why am i always afraid
would i feel better if this or that or this or that ?

I do not know

Take a break

Takin a break

Though a break and from a break

Taking a break with an emptiness that breaks me

And a whisper that shouts at me

And peole that haunt me, even though i dont even know them

Strength is ridicule

Is it really strength? 

Or strong motive

Or just all fake and weakness resides

What is a personality without trust

From within

Trusting myself

Trusting my strength and my judgement

Trusting my dreams and my choices

Trusting my fantasies and my realities

My mind and my heart

Trusting my everything

And being there for me , when no one else can

Torment is beautiful

For you mould your pain into your body and become something new

For pain is the only thing that can alleviate something like strength

And right now

Am in pain

From words

From actions

From loss

From desppair

being forgotten about ....

Hands that look  guilty
a voice that says all the wrong things
I wonder what these hands have done
I wonder what the voice has said
I wonder about the detail, about the sstrength, the weakness, a random woman that i read about , all over here , and shes all over there, somewhere , locked up in both prison of humanity and mind

I wonder about the muscles that worked and the nailbed that is normal and the ligaments that are not torn and the skin that is not blistered

i wonder about the inside that is tormented and the significance of a crime ... by seemingly perfect hands

all looks well on the outside
all is burned in the inside

my voice

is ecstatic
it is powerful but poignant
it is strong but remorseful
it is seemingly perfect but it is burning in the inside

like hot coal i scream all my feelings
the funny thing is non one gets burnt but me
scorched with deprived understanding by others
and with their silence they make me learn
with their departure the make me think
with their anger at my heat they make me realise
that although I am sad, I am suprised
with their lack of care at my humanity ...i suppose
for i am human
and i am good
and I deserve good things 

and i am bad
sometimes
but I dont deserve to lose humanity
I find it funny until it hurts, that the one that should lose humanity is just fine
and yet I, the one with all the good connectiions, happy memories, kind memories, kind things ,,,, lose the humanity i shared
Im not sure if i deserve that now
clearly some think so
but i dont think so
for they dont even want to hear me, see me, think about me, or even care

I think i deserve a lesson
maybe a few
but I dont deserve loss
and i certainly dont deserve loss of respect
and i certainly certainly certainly dont deserve to be evil
for i am not ... evil

but then again, 1 rotten apple is all it takes to ruin the whole thin

but i am more good than bad
and i stamp that
with all important stamps in the world
for i dont need someone to remind me
that i am worth loving
and i dont need to remind someone that i am worth thinking of
or I am worth understanding
and even forgiven and that my sins although wrong, are not creative
for with all my badness
i apologised for my actions
but now there is no action but being taken to jail

and being forgotten about

but i refuse
to be forgotten about
particularly by myself
i refuse to be taken aback by my own fears
i refuse to reach a day i do not plan, i do no achieve , i do not relax with success, i do not understand, i do not ask for a better me, i do not become a better person


the ony mistake that i do commit
is being far away from Allah
the beautiful
the kind
the forgiving
the peacefull
yes all the peace i need

be different

whats wrong?
the feeling that youre in competition
well youre not
stop this madness
and be happy
dont give up
start and dont stop
dont be pushed around
dance
breathe
enjoy the queitness or the storm
wish upon a star just like the other day
no less
only more
 dont give up  the need to let it happen
but you gotta ttry
the only thing making you sad
is the feeling you are not trying
hard enough
or loud enough
only the loud of anger is within you
dont let taht breathe
be honest but dont be in denial
be true
but dont be non existent
be strong
but dont beat up others
be happy b
but dont show it all the time to others
be new
be different
show them show you that yo ucan change
dont look at others with an eye
that something they have you want and you can get with your own self
i mean a nice body
non one is stopping you
so dont be like that horrible energy
be the better energy
the better woman
and if you wernt before
 be that now
the better woman
be strong
and be really happy that Allah gave those girls a good chance of happiness and family

be the good girl 

Wheres it gone?

Where is ur spirit

Kada look for it

Kada search

Is it just gone?

You just woke up one day 

And u had no spirit?

You know

That glow inside you

The one where you show all glamour

All love for who you are

The one where you enjoy yourself

The spirit of trying

Of trying hard kaman

And not being sad

When there is no reason to be sad

 

Now hope

Where is your spirit

The one where you care

Where you really care

And really ask

And really know deep inside youve tried

I do hope

You find it

For noone can steal your spirit

Noone can try

But you 

You can do anything with it

So what have you done? 

Good news ... Will come to you too

I am not alone

Good news will always be good news

Patience will prevail

And all patience will end with good news

All

I am here waiting

I am here trying

I am here asking

I am here but not helping

I am here but not trying harder

I am here

Praying

But i am still not worth the promotion

You got to work harder

For as much as there is love

There is also hate

And as much as there is joy

There is aadness

And as much as their is understanding

There is also frustration

So dont give up

And dont look down

Look up

And have fun doing it

hello azan

I havnt woken up at this time for a long time
my heart wakes
I am bored being the old me
checking for any glimmer of care i realise its over
like a relationship where the man says to you
its not you, its me
or where he just leaves
stops sending you messages, or even flowers
and you are still wondering first thing in the morning and last thing at night
just where their feelings for you went 
I twist and turn and remember the rooftop song from messages and think
yeah i love that girls music
I really am cool
I discovered her long before others
and then i hear the azan
now people have discovered its beauty long before me
its opening for opportunity
its chance for change
its door for fogiveness
yes
it meant something to me today
and so i left the old me behind
and woke up


easily

Hello year ....

Hello new year

new things

new promises

new ideas

new motivation

even new existence

new hardships

new renewals

new everything

Hello year 29

I am 29

I am young

but I am old

i am here

and i am still not there

I am the one walking

and then running

and breathing

and sweating

and reaching

Hello year 

I am not lost

for i have found you

the life 

the good minutes

the peaceful things 

the soft water

the clean heart

the even cleaner mind

Hello year 

I am here

all those previous birthdays

this is different

for i need this birthday to survive

to change

to develop

to have faith

in Allah

and myself

Hello year

I am here 

with you 

Tommorow year

I will remember you year with all your respect and pain

All your love and torment

All your drama

Particularly my drama

I will remember the travels

And the money spent

The love given and the tears poured

I will remember the disgust within the torment growing

I will remember it all 

The love and the hardships

The joys and the miseryS

The losses and the lost

The firsts and the lasts

I will remember the lack of faith

The lack of trust

The lack of belief

The lack of dreams

The lack of trying

Will remember it all

Until 57 minutes

Where i will be 29 

And will remember nothing 

And begin a new day

Everything  will be new

Everything will be hard

Everything will be personal

Everything will be earned

Everything will be sweated for

Everything will be advanced

Everything will be mine

For i am a selfish being

Everything will be calm

Will be hppy

Will be all i ever wanted to be all in one

Will be things i never held and the joy i never had

Will be the patience i need 

And the patience i mustseed

Will be the woman within me 

And the woman inside me

That has been locked upwith her beautiful hair dreams islam And long satin  flowing glimmering light blue like the  sky dress

In 51 minutes

All will be well

D

Dear Dream 2.... What is your reply ?

I am nowhere near you

Call me and im not answering

Hear me and im not listening

Look at me and i wont dare u in the eye back

Tske me competition and i just wont win

I simply dont believe in myself

Love me and ill hate u back

Take me and il runaway

Wont stay

Choose me and i wont choose you

Dear dream

You are thirsty and i am spilling water

You are hungry and im the one eating

You are in conquest battling and trying and i am the one sitting under a tree putting my head between my hands and simply

Doing

Nothing

Dear dream

Will you be like the unreturnable

Hate me enough to stop loving me

Please dont

I have noond but you

Please start with me

For its the last cheesecake

The last bad choice

The last no choice

The last selfish choice

Demanding

They say

Persuasive

They say

No respect 

They say 

Like a dieseled rope to a match

They say i fire

Spoilt

They say

Lost

They say

Like a peacock 

They say

Too sensitive

They say

Not behaved 

They say 

Gonna hate me for life

They will

But i

Will not hate myself

Aand i will not eat my dreams away

And i will not break

And i will not shatter although ive definitely cracked

But one can still see through. A cracked window

Dear dream

Am sorry

Now what is your reply?  

Look at that strain

Sudden u realise how much pain you are causing to someone

U realise how much trauma

How much attitude

You are

You realise all that sensitivity is really a stab for someone else 

You even realise how unfair uve become

How tired ur body is

How tired ur heart is

How mean u are even though u think u arnt you realise 

That ur straining life and love into hate and motion sickness of the future

Of your words

Ur going to have a mean life

If u dont transform when the new moon arises

Bye bye 28

So here you are

On your last day of year 28 in yur life

Definitely with life

With blood and fear

With emotions

With tears

With work with no work 

Here you are

On the last day pf your 28th year

This day 

28 years ago

Mama was tired and emotional and just wanting u to desperately enter this world

She was at the end of her journey to make u and at the start of being there for u 

And now here u are

Just a pointless,,, senseless woman, type

Of a daughter

Of a friend

Of a cousin

Of a wife

Of a lecturer

Of a studyer

Of a believer

If you take all those things

You wonder still why allah hasnt given u the chance to be like ur mama

And now here you are

Alone

And gonna start inshallah ur 29th year

Of life

Not like sanaa

She died in year 14 of her life

You just lived her age twice

Now arnt u lucky

A winner of competition

Youve always been a competer

Even with those who have lived Three times the age of your life

Now isnt that just smart of u 

Putting ur small 28 with 78

And trying to deal with her the same way u deal with 58 

And they way u deal with 28 

With u 

Isnt that just clever now

....

Arnt u just clever

And smart now

Arnt u always hiding

Arnt u always running

Arnt u always apologising

What is an apology

?

Is it the excuse to say anything u want and then erase later?

Is it the chance to get people to unserstand really how kind u are?

Is it the realisation that u really are sorry?

For what are u sorry?

Being u 

Or being there

Or being here

Or being somewhere in thought that just wasnt right with others

Can u divide and apology? 

Like say im sorry for this but nit sorry for that. 

?

What if someone realises ur not really sorry u just dont want to lose them

I dont know what i want to lose 

But i do know i want to be alive

But not like these past 28 years

M & A 19- from my, from my emotions, from my drama

He was afraid

Of me

Of my emotions 

Ofmy drama

He was also sick and tired

Ofme 

Of my emotions

Of my drama

And he was trying to save himself 

From me

From my emotions 

From my drama

He was trying to save the night

From me

From my emotions

From my drama

He was considering his options

Of how to get away 

From me

From my emotions

From my drama

the common denominator

I am the common denominator
the one that her thread burns..... so fast
it burns out
and then



nothing


I am the common denominator
the one that breaks voice first
you just have to listen to what i say
and you have to listen to who i am
and you have to be on my terms

I am the common denominator
i hate you with avengeance
then everyone must see that
and everyone must learn about it

I am  the common denominator
i will disrespect you if you disrespect me


I am the common denominator
I always find a way to make you listen to what i have to say

i am the common denominator
i am mean
but

I am the common denominator
and i have heard a lot
dealt with a lot
and am still kind


oh yes
i am still kind

so dont tell me that i dont deserve
and dont tell myself that i dont deserve


to be continued

the writing scheme

Today,
is do nothing at work day
except wonder about why i havnt written for so long about all the things I miss , love and need

about all the dreams, and exceptions
about all the drama
and the love
like how i just have a dream
that im not doing anything to control
to hold in my arms like that baby i want

i wonder am I good?
I must write about that
i must write about my intentions and my solitude
the dramas i spin and the arguments that i enter each and every single time

I must write about all the things that make me good at heart and all the things that make me poor
like how i just have no patience
and how i am tempted

and how i am lost
and how i am lazy
and how  i have a voice
yes i have a voice

and hell its loud

but is it worth anything?
am i just a despair of shouting
a bundle of drowning goodness
am i really making my self ill by all those people who think bad of me

sometimes you need to send a message to outer space knowing you wont get a reply
but it helps your coordination

prove to me you have some coordination

I am like beyonce

I slay but am i worth anything?
is someone out there thinking

ooh our hope , she means a lot to us, we miss her, we need her, we understand, we want

i think not


 

Dear Dream 1 .... pending

Dear dream,
I havnt forgotten you
you have not gone dim or gone dark
you have not changed or been replaced
you have not been reeidted or been devalued
no

you are still here

Dear Dream,
I want you with all my being
and i am waiting
but i know i must be doing

Dear Dream,
I ask you look for me
and i look for you
i ask you search for me and
i search for you

Dear Dream,
when i shake with bad words
or my body is useless
please be around
dont give up on me


for just like i can be bad
i can be good
i can be kind
i can be excellent
i can be worth it


Dear Dream,
 iam here
find me

M&A 18

Yesterday, I was reminded how I love you so much
How I love being with you
and how you are always there for me and i am always there for you
yesterday i was reminded how you attract me like light to roots
I need you to grow
you attract me like opposite magnets just
unable to be anywhere else but stuck together
you attract me like a flickering light in all darkness
you attract me like that single glance amongst a crowd
you attract me even like a robber is attracted to money
you even attract me like how a president is to their throne
unable to get up from your love

I felt in a fantasy
i still feel in a fantasy
that you are in my world

and i am proud of you and I
I want to tell you that I am proud of who you help me become and i just hope that you are proud being with me

I love dancing when i am with you
alone or together i love dancing for you flick inside me all those tunes harmonising in my cells and reminding me that there is only the tune of love

I love eating with you
for  food tastes like heaven
and each particle makes a story
and each story becomes a memory
of things we love and things ...we dont
its all together
you and I

I love you driving me to work everyday
for its like the mending of day before it starts
and the erasing of bad things before they happen
and its like the immunity against all odd , because we are even


I love you being there for me
when i cry
when i fall
when i need help
when im scared
and when im depressed
thinking that its all over
you remind me its just the beginning to a journey that is nearing our results

with you, i am close to my aims
to my goals
to my kindness, that sometimes flies aways
but your are my wings to collect that kindness again
with you, i am happy, no, i am ecstatic
with you , i am new , and refereshed
like the fresh shower in the morning
or the fresh orange juice in the evening
or the nice walk at mid afternoon


everything is fun with you


...to be continued

maybe in times of atrocity, never in times of volunteer

Dear broken family,

Everyday
when the sun rises and I appreciate all its glory, all its magnificence
I come to be reminded about the sadness that it helps magnify within me
that underneath that sun there is wars
not the ones between countries or between governments but the ones between homes
homes of families, my family

that war is the most painful
and Allah
gave my family
war

the type where you snatch everything from the other and run
the type where you pin the other down to suffocate their happiness
the type where you look at the other with an eye of a knife
wanting to kill, yes wanting to kill
the type where you throw to break things at the other including blood
the type where you scream your misery at the other like darts urged to hit their mark
they type where you simply ...
want to hurt the other
want to deny the other your love
want to show them you are better no matter what they do
that type of war
I am living everyday 

I ask the sun to hide our pain
to hide our words
to hide our miseries and our differences
and yet since I am hope and will always be hope 
I ask the sun to shine out our love
to shine out our mercy
and to shine out our understanding
those parts that make us somewhat clipped together by similar genes


for I have to come to feel that the family I can trust is shrinking
like maybe how they will help in times of atrocity
but never in times of volunteer
like how they always have a nasty thing to say

like how orange fizzy drink should not be put on the 4rth floor like so and so
when i break up the words
i wonder
is it jealousy at the end of the day?
is it misunderstanding ?
is it complaining for him or for him?
I dont know
all i know is I am tired
very much so
and I am heartbroken
too much so

for i admit
I cannot show my love to all
and to those who i want to love
 they do not understand my quest
and to those who i need
they are not there for me all the time
in fact they are only angry with me all the time 
only in times of atrocity
never in times of volunteer


 

the stolen pennys that are worth family

imagine someone stealing your life
from right underneath you
like the chair you sat on so you fall and fall and fall
or the bag you take to work , so your things spread into the air like butterflies
or the food you eat so youre hungry for trust
or the clean water you drink so your thirsty for understanding

imagine someone stealing your life long smile
and so your blind with sadness
imagine tearing your family open
and questioning all reason
so your heavy with the wrong answers

imagine someone giving you stolen time
so youre empty in the future
working for nothing but a dispersed family
of tragedy and mistakes
and wrong decisions and weak ones
 too


imagine someone not only stealing money, but stealing family
like young kids on the street taken away from their family
only to be reunited years later
will you be reunited?
or will the cut be too great
and the street will tear
and you fall in
all because of a pennys greed

a wrong thought, a negative thought, a whisper of a devil, a shout of a brotherhood
gone tragically wrong

fatal

imagine someone killing your dreams
of a happy family
the one you imagined
all together
strong and one


imagine someone eating at your sanity
like a moth to  your clothes
finishing of the lining of respect
for there can be no more family
with wrong decisions
_________________

I miss writing
its like medicine
maybe like vitamin C
the push you need to get better
its like trusting your mind after a long battle of a mixed thread
it just untangles

free
__________________

the dream of a family of uncles and grandmother and grandfather , cousins, wives and sons all living all free, all strong, all with me and for me is... dead

the  dream of me making a family filled with honesty and respect , filled with trust of them more than trust for self.... is real and will always be alive and will come true .. i pray for it deeply and maddeningly


to be continued .....

I am primitive

I want to say , I am not the indent of love or the broken of smiles
I am not the voice of loudness or the words of anger
I am not the sense of senseless or the parts of fury
I am not the one they think or the one they know

I am hope, i will always be hope
whether it is maddening or frightening
whether it is controllable or not controllable
I am hope , the good one, the fighter, the believer

the one that makes mistakes, the one that cries after
the one that prays for good and when torn prays for bad
the one that doesnt mean but does mean,
the one whose feelings are raw and sharp

like a blade, like a fist, like a million fists
unbroken
sore
tempted
and the temptation turns into a broken family

considering hellos turn into shouts
and smiles turn into tears
and people turn against me
I fight
i dont give up
for these are my primitive feelings
my sore points
that they touch

with understanding or none
I am here
primitive
like an eater, looking for heat from the cold, and comfort from the wind

I make cinnamon rolls
I make red velvet cake
I make lemon drizzle

I am an elegant woman
I dont show it
for I am the primitive one
with the kindest other half

I am the mean half
the tormented half
the stolen half
the mixed in mind half
the one that is lost half


and now i am losing and will lose
whether it s time, patience, love, respect

I have lost and will lose

but i am here
a woman
sad
hurt
sore
missing
wanting
needing
craving
yearning
asking
begging
wanting


I am a primitive being
like all my ancerstors
drawing on walls their words
I draw my words with screams


like all my ancestors
holding ornaments they treasure
i treasure my family
my only family
and hold it deep in my heart and soul
deep down


and now here I am
lost and losing
sore and torn
bruised and used
bullied


like schoolground children
red eyes they look at me and fingers they hold at me
and throws they blow to my nurture
for i grew up with .... suits and going to work everyday
and money like every penny

not from trees
not from anything but sweat


i grew up knowing and believing in the best
and so i will always know and believe the best

in kindness
in strength
in happiness
in knowledge

and in improvement
and if i regret


it is only that i regret being primitive
but not being me




 

the trigger neighbour ... everything is meant for a reason

You story is unique
you will not be like so and so
or so and so
you will be like you
for its only written for you
it is only your story you can live
so dont have the feelings of a broken woman
be strong
be strong and be available for Allah to love you
dont be the far away muslim who wants things and doesnt do anything to get them
tears wont buy anything
sadness wont make anything
only love and patience will
so be on that stop not the wrong stop
the train will come , even if delayed, even if late,
and if one train is cancelled , the next one will still come
even if you have to wait for the morning to rise
the next train will come
so dont give up and walk away
dont shatter under pressure
dont break into pieces
dont fall apart
you deserve to love yourself and believe in yourself
and want the best for yourself
not the least
dont give up
dont look at others with remorse
dont look at yourself with remorse
have hope
have faith
have trust
have love
have peace of mind
not war of mind
give up the things that pain you
like words and endless words and endless experiences of so many that you dont even know
its just more kilos to take on your shoulders and the broken back will come
stop the madness
stop the  sadness
and remember that you have always prayed
you have always been ehre for Allah to forgive you
and give you
and you have always been a good person
dont just let that go
now when you actually need Allah the most
 he is there for you

he is