Saturday, November 26, 2016

Lost in thought

Theres a lot going on
Good and bad
Scary and new
Refreshing and old
Within bounds and out
Losing and winning
Being thrown off guard and knowing
Believing although not deserving
loving although love is far
Censoring life although its so close to being raw
Hoping and wishing
Just not quite there
Where am i
How has life gotten me here
The young woman in the same place
In the same moments as before
Just completely different
Just completely shattered with thoughts and fears and hope and dreams
And everything in between
And nothing that is still here
Oh i dont know
I feel completely isolated
Completely un ready
Completely sad and happy
Completely heavy and light
At the same time
But my mind is unused
My mind is stolen from the natural and unnatural
My mind is the universes
Not mine
And yet everything is mine
And i remember the 2 week wait. How painful
How amazing
That am at the end
When i was always at the beginning
Always and never
And now am here
For the first time

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -