Wednesday, August 10, 2016

suddenly 1

Sometimes stories hit you smack side on the face
and you suddenly feel numb and simply... stupid for thinking the way you think
and being the way you are, and feeling the way you do and doing the things you do
sometimes you read a line and it affects your whole life
or you see a picture and it shatters your whole past
into  meaningless bottomless pit
filled with wasted time, disorganised efforts, and unthankful moments that you spend just living
not knowing


sometimes you just sit there and wonder in awe about the woman looking back at you
who is she?
who was she?
what was she thinking?
how sweet?
how sad?
how lucky?
how .... unaware you are of peoples pain and stories , of life's miracles and tragedies
or leave the world and concentrate on you///

what are your miracles and tragedies
what are your concentrations and dilutions in life?
what are your stories and efforts, dramas and nobilities
or ugliness that you live by
what are your thoughts
what are your complaints and what are your strengths
that may be weaknesses in the hiding
and your weaknesses strengths in the hiding
what are your life earth moving moments
a kick?
a turn?
a roll?
a love?
a patient moment
a lazy life?
filled with
I am a good person and Allah knows so he continuously forgives and i get away with it
just like i simply ... get away with my life , every little step of the way
no living ,,, just getting away with it
and suddenly you read a story where there was no getting away with it
and yet there is surrender and beauty and pain and torment within me all at the same time
for you cant help but look at the bigger picture
that is so painful and yet so beautiful
and my heart just cries and melts at


for i am also painful but not beautiful
and i am so lost it hurts
and i am so far its blind
and i am so cold its white with black in my heart
just a dunk of ice where arteries and veins are
and yet i live, i breathe , i hope, i imagine, i pray...

do i/ pray/?
is that praying?
is that really what being a good muslim is?
being a good person is?
being dedicated is?
the anguish inside me is from all that emptiness
the feeling that my life is not worth anything
that i never deserve
and that i am just waiting for the worse
and yet
Allah always gives me the best
and i am lucky
luckier than a lot of people
luckier than a lot of things
but not luckier than who im really meant to be

to be continued...

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -