Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Questions for self.....

  • Do you complain? All the time or just sometimes?
  • I complain all the time ... always I see the wrong in things and i try to make it like everything is breaking me ...
  • Do you often discuss what’s wrong in the world more than what’s right? This includes the ‘terrible’ weather, ‘horrible’ traffic, ‘idiotic’ government, ‘lousy’ economy, ‘stupid’ in-laws, etc.
  • yes - i cant stop thinking about the bad people in my life or the bad things they do or even the bad things good people do in my life and of course... the bad things i do and the badness within me 
  • Do you criticize? All the time or just certain people?
  • all the time .... most people and definitely certain people - im always angry
  • Are you attracted to drama and disaster (can you unglue yourself from the TV when there’s a news story of a disaster and can you avoid getting involved in the lives of dysfunctional celebrities?)
  • yes, no and no - im always on the breaking news and going on google to see the random faces of people died or murdered and always spend forever on msn just reading about celebs 
  • Do you blame? All the time or just certain situations?
  • i blame whenever i can - i blame myself , i blame whoever is responsible i blame people yes
  • Do you believe that you have no control over most of your results?
  • at the moment i do i used to be strong i used to believe in myself and work hard and never giveup but now im just a pathetic scared fearful thing 
  • Do you feel like a victim? Do you talk about people doing things to you?
  • yes - i feel like am a victim to the world to sudan , to bad things people or annoying things people say to me ... they always say mean things to me theyre always out to get me 
  • Are you grateful for what is or will you be grateful when things finally start going right for you?
  • ive waiting for as long as i can remember for something like this to happen,i just did not imagine i would act like this. now its here im a completely ugly person . the exact same things i did when i got married. i just stopped being faithful
  • Do you feel like things are happening to you? Or do you feel that they are happening through you?
  • happening to me. im feeling like the world is toppling on top of me 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -