Monday, December 26, 2016

my faith ---- transitioning into a new me

welcome to a world filled with gold and flowers and hard times but also the best times
the lucky ones
yes the lucky ones
the ones not lonely
the ones who dont have it easy but also who have it difficulty beautiful
here I am
finding myself within  whirlwind of love , lack of sleep, loss of my old self and formation of a new ... me
one who is learning , collecting, believing, changing, loving, crying, sleeping... or not
some things are in the past
like my old alone self, irresponsibility and walking away
now im in love, proud, filled with a family
yes , i have a family
 i am a mother
 i am the mother of eman
a beautiful rich sudden bundle of joy who within just a miracle came
and although there are things i dont deserve
and dont realise how lucky i am
how really lucky i am
im here with my big mouth and big attitude and also big miracles
big big miracles

i never imagined these lovely days would come
these precious breaths and sounds and love cheeks and gorgeous eyes, big brown eyes and soft cry and i just feel relieved when she wakes and sleeps and that im simply not alone - nor am i unable to achieve - for i can achieve anything if i can achieve this

i am less than a month into motherhood and it feels like a blessing
but i am still in need of change
in need of finding myself now more than ever
in need of believing in myself now more than ever and ever
in need of being strong
being really really strong
and determined
so that i can give her not only milk
but joy, sweetness of health, sanity and beauty
she is already beautiful
shes more beautiful than i could have ever imagined
and i realise i made a dream come true

Mother hood is spiritual, physical, precious , hard and teaches you everything
with a bang
its learning how to do everything with one hand and having only 2 hours sleep
but its also being able to kiss those soft cheeks and hear that happy snore and feed that small tummy
and know she really needs you -
i felt it yesterday specifically - she was so hungry - she didnt even mess around like she usually does
she was just so hungry
and i thought to myself
this is need until it hurts
and i felt so sad and proud and happy and sleepy until it hurt

all i know is
2017 must be powerful
must be strong
must be no going back like this miracle of love i have
must be different
for its amazing how 9 months makes these perfect fingers and toes and ears and mouth and nose and eyes and tummy, and bottom and life - so fast - so perfect
and yet i have wasted years of doing nothing

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -