Indian jasmine

Theres something calm about a chaotic house

When u cant hear but only your troubles

And the whispers of damaged things

When you cant understand why you dont fit in 

Or why they dont like you

Although honestly you do love them

Admire them 

And love going to them

But they probably only dont like you

And theyve never come visit

I wish maybe upon too good a things

Like very good things

I dont even know i deaerve

And if i open my heart there are only wild untamed flowers in there

And dry leaves and maybe a soren of help 

And turmoil

For i am the bad manager of my life

And i am the dissapointment of myself

I am the angey of my sorrow

And the pain of my disasters

I am my own never after

And whenever i go to the angels that dont like me i think

Maybe im just the devil i cannot see

And because of their pureness they can

My insecurities fall and tumble in their garden and my shame i sip in their orange

Today i felt worse

Like they didnt even ask me how i was

And that my mum was a poor cook

I know im exxagurating

But i really am not my emotions

I always feel simply... Broken when i go

Like i have no goodness

Like i have no emotion

Like i have no life or worse that what i like what i want and what i feel they will always hate 

They will laugh at my judgement always 

And they will laugh at my stupid choices

For they hate indian jasmine trees

And i .... Dont

And theyll never come visit me out of the soulfullness of their love for me but i ... Will

And theyll never want to have anything to do with me but i ... Always will i guess

Cuz im weak 

Like ill never wake up for subuh or ill never finish stuff i need and ill never ever be the womqn i truly want to become

And now here i am ridiculing myself

Trying to open myself bare and its just too sore

Trying to open myself to know and its just too wild

Who am i really? Where have i come from and where am i going? 

Do i really deserve all these good things

Or dont i?