Dissapointment

feeling like a drama queen, without the drama
lost and insane in the insides of my mind calm outside
others scream for me unintentional loudness
without a necessary cause

its all ....useless

all pointless
and so  I become lifeless
making myself ill

the day went terribly wrong
and there was no way out
like the wicked queen who held all the reigns of her castle
from the wonderful fairies
that wanted to achieve a gem in the gem of their territory
but the gem was empty from the slavery of her conduct
for the ruler of the kingdom who treated all ... terribly
a woman divorced from kindness
in that very moment of day

not like her
or is it>?
I think shes always been like that
but in small doses
so should I blame her?
it is her way
like I
stubborn arrogant and ignorant
genetically framed ?
or truly a mean person?
I dont know
All I know is
I Wish I was different


and i know she means well but instead
shes just really mean and she does it well


whats the point in having a white heart if no one can see it?
or in having a strong charachter if everyone gets beaten by it instead of saved
whats the point in being wise if the words are split by anger and come out deaf
in being good if the day went bad
youve been preparing for this for such a long time
and ... you failed

big time
and deep down im dissapointed in you and myself for believing in you
and worst in the way I should have put my trust in others who were kinder and sweeter and better but you didnt give them a chance and I trusted you.. so i didnt give them a chance either
feel like I have no clue no morethere is a fragile scene
one big chance to make it all perfect
all up to you to make it all perfect
life runs still as the kingdom is in her hands
and .... the population awaits to see her kindness
but a little bit of the dark witch appears
wanting magic but giving a a black plate
no, nothing, no one could say she was the right one
everything was short from my dearest loved one
and I felt I wwish I could scream
and say -  YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOURE DOING!
but I was locked in a room
like a treasure
now i feel without shine
for the whole day was .... priceless
without the real meaning
literally just a priceless day

except the part where all the control of my life went to someone else....

a new day

Like a new white page that has just been opened
fresh from the past and glittering with promises
my heart runs with adrenaline seconds that will become a lifetime
its a wise moment - watching yourself become someone else

All is beautiful, I try and forget the ugly
All is wise, I ask to make haste with the dumb
for some can be like north is to south from elegance
but I want it to be on my left hand.... elegance

strange to have to sit in
but all of a sudden relaxation swifts by and I hear true music
and feel honest love
no need to be for it is done

Like an ocean washing memories away
and leaving the sand crisp at the bay
to be footprinted on whichever way
We choose

for I has become Us
and me has become him
and myself is invisible
without our
 ________________________________________

not like me to not know what to say
but the words have all run away
into the past like the way my soul has been shocked
a dream come true , all these thousands of people
coming to evidence me.. into a new era of my life

I stand at the window and see my fate put in the hands of another
not like me to be crucially un involved
a lesson? a blessing?
that life is not the way I think/// at all

bullets fly in the air
happy seconds , really flying seconds
all the people I love loving me back
even though i dont deserve

Ya Allah .... I am lost
and wanna be found
I am tired and wanna be awake
I am weak and want to be strong
I think im strong but im really ......not
so weak to emotions
so powerless to enjoy time


I once wrote my title as lost under control
I realise I am totally out of control
trying so hard to be in control of everything
but really its a part of insecurity
and  just brings misery
to be so tempted to decide everything
yesterday made me understand
its important to be lacking control sometimes


I felt like the world was mine and perfect
felt like the reasons for living were correct
and the choices for a bright future were honest
I felt nothing wrong
felt like the sun was falling down on a treasure
a new golden bond

The last time to use the picture

The last time
there is a last time for everything
sometimes you dont know it
like that was the last time i saw the old man
or that was the last time Ill ever be the same
or this is the last time i ll ever use this picture
used it for Light
it reminded me of a young girl so tormented in life
although her white soft skin could write miracles
but instead she ended up writing a far away village like Afghanistan maybe...
without the blue and the gun shot
Light... a girl who was forced to be  a woman in a child
so wrongly I wish I could beat them all over it
but i can do nothing about it
for she is wicked to me and she is angry at me and the world
like me... except I am angry at myself
I dont know what she thinks
maybe shes lucky
maybe shes happy for a while
but I know shes in a prison surrounded by these green walls
of lostt transparancy and a beautiful grandmother
maybe she would have saved us all
 no one speaks well of him and i notice there is no Allah irhamu
I know he deserves it I only find a rough spot when i think of him for he had no mercy and
no love
but no one whos passed away deserves that so Allah Irhamu wa Igfir leehu
time heals all even though I havnt felt it
Last time I saw the girl in they yello cardigan
fate meant us to meet and part at exactly the same time
instant of seconds it was all the last time
a coincidence
travelling continents airports and substances of lives meeting each other only similiar at 72 beats per minute and 12 breaths per minute to meet for the very first and last time
yellow cardigan girl she was like rotten rats inside
and nobody knew
...
nobody knew

that was the last thursday
and that was the last time I ever saw my room the same
life changes
and if you dont accept it  - it tears you open as you are pulled forwards and back at the same time
this is exactly what is happening to me

when will it be the last time to live at war? and feel so much pain?

wish I could just erase my soul and start writing it again

I wish i had a big rubber to erase them into white
always erasing them into white
winter white.. that golden dantelle that I fight about in my head with a priceless girl
but jasmine is expensive... I just cannot see it
its me that is worth nothing
not even a penny
wanna say the same thing again
he gives me strange advice running over the nile
nearly making an accident
I ask Allah to save me
Odd
Forgot about Allah a long time ago
but he suddewenly races through my heartbeat
cuz I wanna live
Please Allah dont let him hit us!
please let me get out safe!
I do get out safe
without a thread on me
and suddenly its back to promising myself to feel awful
as if I didnt just feel on top of the world
today is Friday the 13th and I don't wanna mention it in my condolence of memory
and weakness
I beg for nothing to happen
Ya Allah let nothing happen because I realise 13 is my lucky number but I've done everything to make it unlucky!! 
but 2013 had been amazing
and with 18 days to go
there is nothing to ask no more
my nails are sore
wanna know everything that I could possibly know
and yet I never seem to know anything
like a cloud of misery
they say hes sick 
Dont really know him but I know hes counting the days
feel sorry for myself I cant see that we can be similiar
dont want to feel like that ........ever
and yet  I feel like it everyday

wanna be a new woman every second living like the old one
dont have the money ?
dont have the time?
dont have the strength
dont have the knowledge
im a creature bald with arrogance
primitive
I am
a primitive female

wish I was covered by something
anything////

(feeling like a homeless person in winter of Sudan)
wishing there was that tropical heat once more
always wishing what I dont have/////

18 days to forever

They laugh out loud and all is well
washing dishes for the big day, today is a good day
inshallah
I sauna my worries away
although they cling on to me they just wanna stay
around me and halo me instead
of an angel
they say angels are on a bride
I dont feel like I have any on me
probably true
that i dont have any , they all run away from this unfaithful disaster
 nagwa didnt come today
my skin is in a deep worry
layers and layers of yesterday
dark and twisted like the story of a misunderstood fairytale
my fairytale
its all coming true
all coming real
and yet i feel like..... steel
tough and solid
but not that kind of tough and solid
the one where the amjad driver marries 3 because of your kind
tough and solid
...ugly
I say there is no ugly woman
but I am
...ugly
filled with commotion and wrong distributions of red hot blood
like a devil in my system
unabke to write a case about myself
never mind others
..history repeats itself
dissapointment
and delay
of beauty in the mind
no
just repetition of laziness
and  a mindless mind
 I am alone
sometimes its good
like the times I was in the UK living next to the Queen feeling like a Queen
and sometimes its bad
jsut all alone in a house filled with people that are never close to me
and only I rely on me
im doing well
turning the brakes on and trying to stop the titanic from hitting the iceberg
reversing the pull gear
theres no time to go slow
but melting in the vapour helps
and chlorine isnt all that bad
I miss my friend
she is no longer with me
dont know what i did wrong
maybe demanding and persuasive like jewelery
but I only wanted the best thing
never meant to be so far away from my faith
an existence i hate .. heavy word
no milk in the freezer
but there is no whiteness inside me either
Doctor....
its just an opinion
1000,1000 and 500 pieces of 2500 parts of me going to a million houses
my name... in a million houses
all expecting to see me
.... shine
but I am a dusken loss of paradise in a fishy world
a voice blunt with fear
dont care about the exam
... I linger into madness
.............. and there are only 18 days to forever

 
 

3 metres long

somewhere along the banks of the Nile there sits a woman who had fate with a Jasmine- she ran her sowing machine until she made her a 3 metres long dress - beautiful
I know it will be beautiful but will it be .... inspired by a new princess and a faithful heart? will it be flattered by simplicity and draping in elegance - choice from long ago and melting in true honor and dedication to love and wonder that life is great and romantic.. yes its romantic
a little bit of beyonce
a spark of marylin
a mesmerising art of asi - the woman of horse and soft eyes
a blend of keyvek - infinite with black silk hair
a tremble of huyam - the woman that changed a king , tempting to the core until you cannot do anything but want her
a whisk of khadeega , innocent and in love
a portion of maryam - glistening faith and confidence -   I will not let you down
 and a whole of hope - the woman who cannot be anything but desire to be amazing
and accepted in heaven - and there is no comparison
except that extravagance is not in anything but the holder of a pure heart
extravagance is not in anything but the smart mind
extravagance is in everything in you and yet you always ponder in its invisibility
and never question the reason why youre alive without its lamps
shining like you had light all over your body - from doing the right thing
__________________________________________________________________________
you always love engulfing in the differences between those stubborn, lost and arrogant
are you not arrogant? always fishing out your blessings like they were the punishments on others
like only you deserve their touch
like only you know how to deal with them
.....

( to be continued)...

The last chapter

As this year comes to a close, I try scrape my forgotten memory and break free
This year was beautiful but I did so many things to make it ugly
THis year was life changing but I did so many things to not change my life around
this year was a dream come true but i did so many things to lose the extravangance of those four words
a dream come true
This year was religionless
yes I lost my faith somewhere -Last time I saw it was Ramadan 2012
I dont know how Ill remember 2013 happy or sad from myself


To be continued

Where am I?

 

or exceptional identity

 

I dont want to forget everything that I am - Ya Allah zakirni - Ya Allah dont let me be a terrible person -a woman with thorns only hurting herself for as she sits she stings and she walks she is sharp and she lies down she pinpoints with pain and as she talks she flings knives -- --

-
Azans try break to enter inside i am a tough piece of skin - a mobile existence barely living - I am unsure of my capabilities and must be reminded of htem everyday - I must be compared with others to have a single cell of confidence and I am a clone of a dark shadow


I miss my friend  - we used to write to each other and one of us forgot - dont know which one but all I remember is the gym and the brunch coffees - always a deal - but now no more - missing who I was

Fatma is a lead woman - getting up at 6 i nthe morning to come into town to clean peoples houses and having an uplifting personality as if she was in the UK with a great job , her own apartment, and lots of money to buy things she doenst need - super happy and super hardworking - because at 5.30 in the evening she has a class for the illiterate to learn to read and write - arabic, english and maths - but before she goes she brings down any dry laundry from the sitooh

I see the negativities in others like bright sparks - but never to help or to fix within myself - always to bring down and to overjoy in how I dont do those things - then i must be better - its just a different sin maybe your are greater - Comparison like chocolate flakes but instead of being cool and soft on my skin they burn me like a waft of a dream gone wrong

200 to travel , she falls of the wagon, and gets on the norm, I am heartbroken and shy - I am tragic and pathetic for I compared myself to a leafless tree - maybe beautiful but definitely bare - I dont want to be bare or leafless and now I am crude oil - expensive -

20 for fruit, 22 for vegetable if I eat all that i got will I be a new woman? will all those vitamins and minerals deextend me and reshape me into that faithful woman with a great memory - Ya Allah  I lost my memory - but I wont let you down - I will go search for it until I find it - in every police station I have to -

its ironic to race a car amazingly in a movie and die in one in reality - but its not ironic that fairytales and unreal and reality is - but its not true that fairytales are wonderful and reality is scarce -no reality can be amazing, young, true , meaningful, encouraging, open, wonderful and mesmerising - the same feelings you get in a film, just without the lies and with a prayer mat, and a Quran, your Quran on the side

Cant trust anyone but yourself but I dont even trust myself no more - a heavy calamity I am and today is the 5th - where is the answer and why hasnt it been released yet? where is the answer - oh Allah where is the answer? i know there is an answer to every solution - is it that I dont deserve it yet - is it tehre and I cant see it? what must I change to see it? what must I do to feel it?


that unity with my heart and soul for I truly am a fragmented response to nothing - alert and asleep - strong and shattered, wise and dumb - what differs me from Fatma is nothing short of her being better and happier

what differs me from blessing is everything far but me enjoying the beautiful and delicious details Allah designed my life with

What differs me from purity is a dream and reality - for in the dream I am pure - and in relaity its just painful to watch -

What differs me from the woman I am and the woman I want to become is a black substance that regretfully holds me apart and together barely living and in a cloud of forgetfullness that once I held my Life in my own hands and made my own choices and created my own wonderful and prosperous identity- once I was like a kingdom and my fairytale meant something and was everything - down to the detail

the scent of beauty - smooth , the sound of faith, like the most beautiful tune - just this chandelier of honesty and gratitude and love for God is what i wanted to be all lit up and held up by that  non gravitational force of being a true soul - a soul that knows what its doing a soul not afraid to look at its own self no afraid of contradiction not afraid of time not afraid of thoughts not afraid of others


To be continued

its up to you

will we give it a try?

one last eenie beetsie weenie try

one thats worth a fight 

and worth some fun

and worth some sun

in the heart of the one you lvoe the most

youself

shall we try for the very very last time?

to break free?

 

Before you worry, pray

I dont listen before I act
I react so much earlier before I think
I always spend without even knowing how much I earn
I am the worst criticiser of others and myself never giving a seconds chance to wait
I never forgive before I pray or after I pray or anything
I always quit well before I try


if I listened before i acted I Would be quieter and wiser
if i thought before I reacted i would be at peace with myself
if I earned and saved i would have afoundation for the future
if i waited before i criticised I would be kinder and I would feel clean from the bottom of my heart
if i forgave myself and others before i prayed then my prayer would have meaning and my life would be lighter
if i tried and never quit then everything i dreamt of would come true

34 days until forever....

and i Feel like an exam i havnt studied for
yet  I know all the answers
why should it be so hard>?
to be so perfect?
african sauna lingers in the background on a canope of another  sleeping  friday
and everyday
the waft of tradition finally touches my skin
glowing dark blissful, hard, energetic, strange, and .... into forever
I am reminded of the new step ive taken and the new girl im turning into
why then should i be unhappy with myself?
why should be worried or unsure of what I really can do?
can I really not do all that I want?
african sauna came true
patience without knowing
why should it all  be so hard?
or is it an ashy soul
that hasnt tasted true cake or true confidence.

is it so?

The golden secret

no longer a secret>?
but wait

for me a spray of this golden liquid is a poweful transclucency into the mesmerising past
a past drowned like the titanic , thousands of miles down in the years of time and yet its very delicious name brings meaning back as if it all just happened  today...
but
there is no going back , no making it all alive again, no living it all again
there is only the waft of remembering , the peace of existing in my own memory through a spray
of the 5 number to history - I am portaled into an existence that opens up my pores and makes me linger to become a queen... a Sudanese Queen
only I know that magical secret
only I know its the key to a beautiful dream - as glorious as  the sensational titanic
the way in the movie the sun pours throught the blackness and the pine wood of deck chairs and sun doors gleams exploding with freshenss and magnificence
noone knows this bottle is the golden secret that opens the sundoors to my grandmothers veranda
wardrobes locking treasures , kitchen cupboards holding english earl grey with rose drawn teacups and sterling silver, imported only to her evening tea tray , jam eaten with scrambled egg... a divine intervention, cadburys cocoa transported to my grandmothers freezer - unique brown royal to Sudan, fresh homemade custard, glistening yellow waiting for dessert at 2pm maybe with jelly, maybe with cream - and Chanel no 5 - always the last thing from a Heathrow airport - a bottle of chanel no 5
her perfume of life, of love, of elegance,and of knowledge that there is a better world - a sweeter world , an elegant world, a magical world, a world of bliss, and calm, a world of meaning, and submergence in all that is Good.
so it is a secret
the spray of a chanel no 5 - a powerful secret only I know about
the golden liquid the link between I and my grandmother... another secret in my heart

(waiting to be beautiful, elegant, intoxicating, and secretive)... to be continued

she dreamt of a devil...

where is this road im so desperate to walk on
never quitting to find ...but the severity slopes
is it a high road? a long road? a wide road? or a road that doesnt exist?
im looking for the road where i am happy, sure of myself, proud, strong, innocent, pure, kind
yes on wither side there are flowers and plants and high trees covering me from wrong existence or worse.. useless time
this road has meaning - the one im searching for
has smooth black surfaces with clear directions where to go
stop signs to pray on time and hotel signs to sleep right and eat healthy
it has all the right speeds and all the right directions to take you exactly where you want to go
which is heaven
yes I want to go to heaven
looking for the road to take me
since im certain im certainly not on the right track
she dreamt her daughter and she saw a devil
my mind leaks to a scarier image..
I am the .. one they fear

not being dramatic but my mind asks the questions
have my actions been any less than a devils drive?
have they been any better than a devils promise?
what am i? but the follower of something tragic
 the details of something pathetic
I must be better
have things that others dont have
i must talk about being better
and act about being better
never genuine about being better


god its sooooo strange
how beautiful a woman I was just a short while ago
a second ago, a year ago
memories of robbers, of drunks, and of possible bombers!

but there were also memories of yaseen every morning before the train
the olympics being on and the queen coming to visit... and I forgetting the fireworks and just praying to Allah
he was my fireworks

was it all about nothing?
was it just a dream?
can I really not be a good person if Im not in the place im not in?

must I always be waiting for a different place
to achieve the truth?
I wonder how close that devil is to me?
that she saw in her dreaM?
sometimes I think it was mine and got bored of me
went to play with the minds of others

for I feel so held back
so lost
so tormented by inability to achieve
to love Allah the right way
to be comfortable with who i am
to adore what i have achieved
and to pray to acheive better
to be content with what i have
to want more only on what is on the road to heaven
want more of prayer, tasbeeh, love, honesty, patience, study, honour and
sweetness

I have lost the touch of sensuality
that woman praying so beautifully in a UK star night
from a small apartment
and the Queen so near...
that girl ...
is burning into ash


 

they say angels are around her ,,,

feeling like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, could it be? my wings are just about done?

havnt been up this early for a long time , and suddenly the power of 5.42 Fajr azans sweetly push me out of oppression. i am no longer the woman I used to know. I am powerful and strong, energised and young.the Light gets brighter every minute as the blackness in my heart dissolves.

it really is coming back to me, how i used to be, or wiser... what i really am... better

scambled egg with melting madafara I am new and  still as I open up my heart this morning. 

Life has meaning 

i no longer want to be lonely , and I know being lonely can be even if your surrounded by everyone

running away from myself is what Ive been doing

I need to be kinder or I will never be happier, beginning with myself

and as the city wakes up I wake up too , from a long long sleep

put my feet together today 

she tells me - that fast dancing has ruined yoU!

maybe shes right 

maybe all ive done has ruined me and left me cracked

I knew dancing was the most beautiful option and now learning has brought me forwards a deep way

I learn how to put my feet together , how to be soft, how to be queit and yet powerful at the same time, how to be in control,  how to be extravagant without being quick - no that is not the secret

and as I slowly feel transformed into listening to the rhythm , something else connects

like a plug that has been disconnected

I dont want to hate myself anymore

I dont want to be at war

or confusion and I Dont want to waste any more time

or tears

 Today is a day without denial and with every cell of identity

I love myself today , not going to ridicule, prevent, avoid, or forbid myself today 

am going to enjoy, respect, lavish, and secure myself today 

and everyday inshallah 

all in the right time 

no more denial 

no more obstruction of yesterday into now

no more pain

no more fear

no more instability of crude emotion

no more sadness

no more descriptions of madness

just me 

what  I am , not what I want to be

what I See, not what  I want to see

what I want from Life to me, not what life takes from me 

how faith sets me free, not how I give my life away for free

just me 

Marylin in Hope (5)

Pretty Lady

her eyes dance with flavor

and her skin melts with pain

I wonder have I taken my life in vain

all those young heartbeats 

 just cruising in the mess

I dont know why im not up to the test

of time.... 

Sweet Lady

what are you thinking of?

and what do you want?

why do you imagine a woman so heavy

with nothing

and why can you never feel that burning woman

inside you

you always write waiting

just waiting

just dying to come out

as if one day you find the key

and open and let her out

the woman inside you

I know

but have you ever considered

the door is open

and the key has already done its job

and that girl is still inside

unlocked

but not yet free

.....

 

Belated Happy new year

Belated congratulations
Belated promises and tries
nearly 2 weeks now I should have placed this on my heart
before my blog
but forgot
and further fell
deeper in last year and a new empty one

cleaning out my desktop
should I trash it?
is it too late to post it
and think about it
and do with it
like  a new piece of clothes
or a new ring
wearing it sexily and honestly
doing everything
bravely and couragously
even if theres mud on the road

should I post it and try again?
even if IM LATE
im always late
 but should I post it
like the message im posting on my heart

never give up.....
on Allah
or on yourself
or in your good soul
and your healthy mind
and your confident beautiful kind sexy and wonderful heart

NEVER GIVE UP

repeat or first episode?

Pink, Gold, , Multi and Red
Beautifully meant
wanna be like a flower
wanna be like a geisha
wanna be like a disco
wanna be like a classic

Sudanese woman
 A European standard
An oriental tradition
A heart mending thing


Wanna be simple
creative
elegant and good

yes wanna be good
better
best
I can be

wanna be the merge of my own combination
and this secretive explanation
wanna be a seductive melting of whispers and explosions

Gold, Black, Silver and Gold
wanna be different
wondrous
treasureful
memorable

wanna silence all those days I was alone
and wanna welcome all those days i wont be


so now tell me .... will you repeat the same mistake twice? and twice plus a million times?

Try for the last time 2

Theres a woman inside me gonna break free
its about time the prisoner was set free
theres a hope within me dying to be right
but been living without truth and unable to fight
or is it didnt want to fight
been feeding devils and wondered why so hungry
been providing for them and wondered why so busy
without product
felt like a by product
of surrender
couldnt feel myself, my hopes and my dreams
all in a shadow behind their cloud of black
covering me and tangling me till I couldnt see the track



There s a woman inside me gonna show the world
my world it can be better and it will be better
and its always been better
and ..lighter

except now
lighter from sin
from lack of effort and
from fear
yes
lighter from fear
and lighter from a heavy soul

for im tired of carrying all this weight in my soul
unalbe to let it shine
unable to let it gleam
unable to let it drive me into existence

all this time been waiting int he heat for the gates to open to a day I can see on the other side
but never seem to get a visa stamped to get htere
and it doesnt mattter what passport i have
or what imagination i own
i never fill the application right
and so i just stand while others pull up and pull through
and on the way I ask
oh how did you do it!
I never listen to their answer
I always wander at how whatever their answer is I could have done it but never did

anyway
theres a woman inside me
gonna try again
try again for the last time and the right time

ameen

insane without God

sick of saying the same thing
and never meaning anything
sick of being someone I dont want to be
looking at the same old me
useless and confused
and unable to remember like my brains been abused
sick of feeling like a tormented crowded soul
in my own land i have lost battle of control
sick of waking up each and everyday
as if theres nothing more today
just the same big cracks
and the exact same tastes
and the identical hastes to time
sick of bleeding all my self
and becoming someone Im allergic to
and have no connection to
and have no relation to at all

yes Im living with myself and dont know
anything about
am sharing the same soul and dont know
what time it comes in at night
and what its doing
no I have no clue and its all behind my back
a secretive clever attack... really

sick of the woman ive become
a tarnished thing just gone
nowhere can I feel, see, hear , or understand who I am
sick of the blunt body I have
and the sharp eyes that scrape
and the irritation inside me
that breaks... shadows into two
and reflections into 4
each one driven to a direction
as far away from the centre as possible

sick of the stretch of time im in
always leaving things without an end
just stupid enough to think ill blend
behind someone theyll let me in

and until then Ill be gutting out my words against
them all
for im the best and they all fall

and the monster inside me will point and laugh
ha! im the best one around and your all just a draft
of a devils catch

but the truth is im the devils fish
for dinner
smelling rotten but herbed with garlic and thyme
and ill be eaten like a beautiful rhyme
flavoured into insanity
for insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results

and so I must be insane

sick of being insane............

I dont know why?

I don't know why you wanna throw your life away breaking it in pieces like it didn't mean anything

just a piece of glass you didn't want

crash! and clean it all away like it was never there

I don't know why you think your life is worthless like a piece of garbage you live it

defend-lessly and cheaply

just....like it wasn't there - like it didn't live with you and help you

like it didn't save you or make you

a girl of wonder

just a life... just something you can forget about it

like its just there

a priceless entity that you own but don't want

and so you cry....

and so you try die a million times each night

and so you live without passion

and so you pretend

hit . hit it all out.

paying money to be hit
I think maybe this is the way out
but then as usual I ruin it by
my ego and hard core feelings
oh no one knows anything but me
... i just hate how I think sometimes
sometimes Im large and confident
and sometimes Im small and stupid
and now Im the latter



missing that strong woman inside me
that put a steel hand and stopped the world
now im like butter feeling it around me choking and melting all at once
cant breathe out of my sins
and cant smell but dirt and fascist lies
a woman within is not the same in her outer ring
just a band of ... trauma
and now Im sad


cuz im becoming 2 persons
the one ive always dreamed to be
and the one I want to deny
a monster hope
filed with old rgrets and new guilt
everyday something new
to ponder in its blackness
sucking me to where i dont want to go

/...
sadness


and suddenly

the beat of the drum deafens the devil inside me and wakes up my aching soul

to be continued....

Tommorow ..is the new year

Sort of like a hidden contest that I could win
a secretive door that  Icould open
that nobody knows but me
for suddenly instead of being given one chance to try again I have another chance
1435
its funny how when you think that its 2013 but its reall 1435
and that means that we really are in the old ages
we are the ancestors and we are the ones to be written in history
we are history
when its 2013 in true time and true date
where will muslims be?
where will Sudan be?
where will I  be?

all very hard questions
all questions I cannot answer
all giving me an image that really there is nothing more important but to remember faith and God


so why then have you stopped raising the alarm? and why have you stopped waking up
its not that early you know
...
1435....
I hope God makes it happy and I make it worthwhile


ameeen

Gold or Dust?

 

Imagine if you had the keys to open your mind 

and portal through extravagant  flavours of everything

you could ever imagine just be anyone you want to be

imagine if you could breathe the air to make you healthy

and live every cell understanding why youre here 

and living for a pure and honest reason

to lvoe God and to make him happy

imagine if goals were simple and truth was wonderful

imagine if you could honour your body and obey your freedom

be who you want 

imagine if you never had to think about regrets or guilt or wasted time

time would lying on the floor from your energetic battle , you the sword in your hand

not 

the 

other 

way 

round

imagine if all your time was like Gold

each second u used wisely turned to gold

each one you wasted 

turned to dust?

how much Gold or dust would you have?

 

your advice

Live pure

How close are you?

Dark suggestions seriously surround me and demand from me - the loss of a woman centred on faith
Now having lost my fulcrum i become aggressive and pointless
trying to prove a point
and yet....I am better than this

yesterday even though I wasnt flying I remembered the power of travelling and Living amongst heather
somewhere there lives a woman sweet with brown hair and has a lovely kitchen yet shes young - would never think like I do or fight like I do or shout like i do or ...break like I do

 I remember the lovely colours in shops and how my life is originally

closer to being a good woman than it is to being a terrible one
I am a good woman

and yet I look at my actions and I see a just pieces of an uncollected traveller  screaming about pointless things and living a life so so so worth living
almost like its too good a life for me and so the devil tells me you dont deserve
and  I believe
to look at others with interest and even the simplest things become extravagant in others

I forget god is close to me
life is close health time effort youth modernity education
me, the hope that knows about things and God gave her a chance to always be free
and

yet she choose to lock her self up like a stroke - feeling paralysed and unable to speak freely or move...

isnt it the same>
? youre acting like youve been given illness

instead of love freedom , wisdom, chance
oh God soo much chance


dance, colour, time, education, love, travel, family, beauty, and most importantly
to choose who you can be

,... God chose to be close to you , closer than your jugular vein
why do you choose to be farther than the farthest country from you to him now?

well.. .Hope the solution is 

in you and your good memories and to bring back your good faith, and good words, good behaviour and good motivation, good strength and your goodtime
use your time wisely and let your life mean something
let it be something
hold it and dont let it hold you
hold yourself and dont let other s hold you
be strong even though that may mean you have to be weak
be wise
never give up
ever ..........

1435 and a modern thought

Now ...2 or 3 days,,,

Less now - so how about it - ANOTHER chance that God has given you
and itsa bittersweet chance
a secretive jewel
a hidden clock with more time found
a sweet sweet with no calories
a delicious chocolate when you reach that day
just imagine the perfect timing
a present today that you never imagined would come

a new year is coming at a new beginning and a last chance
so how about you get up from the rubble of yesterday and spider solitaire
and walk to the shower believing that you can come out clean by just one healthy prayer
and start dancing your mess away until you carve all your unintentional and blind sighted dark substitutions with fate
and start reminiscing of a Hope that was one a memory like a horse and wants a future like a peacock
velvety rare nature and king personality

This November is to remember ..what an only chance really means

If you remember that November is your only chance,,, and its a beautiful chance
one filled with Glitter and Dance
so Dance into your dreams and stop watching them from afar
I know you can, but  I want you to show me that you will
dont let the month chase you
you
chase
and catch
its golden moment
and sparkling days
This November ..let each day mean something
and hold something
and say something
and when there is a highlight day , like next thursday
then you also be a highlight
be the spotlight and not the dark spot in the corner

remember how strong you are
and confident you are
and sweet you are
remember how faithful you are

Message 15 and M & A 16

In an Emergency.......

on a real happy day things went a little crazy
and I felt for an instant everything was really wrong
although I knew the bond between us was really strong
I hated all that was happening and I hated the scene
questioned if our connection was just too obscene
and for the first time didn't know where we were going....


to be continued

too blessed to be stressed

Never read, heard, or typed that rhyme before
yet its so simple to realise 
so easy to coordinate and i cant just believe how it suddenly struck me like it was breaking news
when I count how many blessings I have , when I think about how many actions I do without stress, without illness , or disruption - as once in a library I remember distinctly the words coming out of my mouth
'wow its really hard to be healthy'
after realising how many dramatic illnesses that can conquer a human being
and yet after understanding that I was precious
 I was still stressed
and have continued to be
not stopping to believe for a moment how
blessed I fanatically am

when I look at all the times I waste and yet they just keep coming back - each time  a further Golden moment in my life that possibly could be perfect if  Ijust seized the day
Its funny how I stress to try remember how blessed I am
as if worry and poverty of mind are my only blessings
as If All I see is madness and chaos, fear and repetitions of failure - right now these are my only blessings
oh and wasting time and the inability to love God

I am a Hopeless monster who is a pathetic small thing not realising how many blessings she has to appreciate and so I deserve the ground of stress underneath me solid  as If I was on a cross trainer but never sweating or losing an inch of devil..from me


 

Echoes in my mind_ (The first time)

The first time something happened was when  I danced amidst my exams 4 hours a day...or more to Dirty Dancing Havana Nights and much more - I did more than i could ever imagine


The first time something happened was when I discovered he woke up at 5.30 am to pray alSubuh on time and then start studying

 I went to the 4 rth floor that day and stared at the beautiful sky just before dawn listening to the near by mosque telling me that life only begins when you're content with yourself =
all because of him


Now.. I know somethings happened when I realised Ive tried everything - I have this one solution left - to stop hearing myself and start hearing the words of kind and sweet faith

Its time to let go of my familiarities a little and start entering a realm ive never stepped into - filled with expensive patterns that mean the galaxies combined

and maybe God - has given me this undreamt and realistically cut opportunity to sharpen my true soul and outline the echoes in my mind to surrender in the fine thin line that is

who I was before the table... of Life

Message 14

Message 13

Wishing my new Sun, Moon & Stars was by my side

(POW)_ What a target of meaning...

I suddenly feel very dirty and really want to pray......

learn...

Stop screaming inside your heard and learn thoese beautiful traits from the five Queens in Islam not laziness, from the devil
the most humble, advanced, models of life
Creative women, happy women, trustworthy women, oh kind women,
those women knew what they wanted and what they lived for and what they would die for
and what made them individual and what made them love and what made them
Queens for Allah's faith
oh imagine what it would be to be a woman that is sure of herself. knows she smart, knows shes doing the right things, knows she would never do the wrong things. imagine that woman who knows she wouldnt miss al fajr
because everytime she sleeps or worse wakes up but doesnt pray
its like tearing a piece of her humanity
but that is just a degrading level
imagine a woman who wakes for Fajr without delay
imagine a woman who wears modest for faith and not for anyone
just to keep her body safe
imagine a woman who doesnt have negativities geared towards herself
no she would never harm herself so
should would only pray, read Qu'ran and be magical in her soul
never obstructive to a worthy cause
only deserving of the expensive air she breathes








now imagine a woman who is in massive debt
for her life is perfect and yet she acts like she wants to return it
if you close your eyes
you can see the devils surround her
near her
playing with her
and beating her
all
the time
you can see their drool falling on her face as she snores through the dawn
you can smell their hazardous waste corrode her identity
you can feel their carved madness etched on her soul
you can not deny their collections around her
for shes already missing a prayer
late more than 24 hours
imagine how much debt that is


imagine a woman whos whole life is surrounded on focusing on others...

imagine a woman whos whole life is focused on finishing things in the last second

imagine a woman who life is dramaless yet the voice of drama fulfills her into blackness
just a void
is where she is contained

............