Stuck for time

My handsshiver
My mind quivers
My body aches
My eyes wake
to all that's fake


but I'm still asleep

My days end
This year , I cannot mend
So I bend
the rules


So I'm a criminal

Terminal see through
endless weakness
Crying despair

My hands shiver
where is the repair
what kind of affair?



am I having?



I'm starving
ALLL
THHE
TIIIME

I'm lost all the time
even when I feel found
even when I'm here
I'm there



I'm theeere

In this year
I dissappear
I fear
I will be gone forever

I dream
that I amgoneforever

I dream.....


Never to dream again
I dream to feel nothing
I dream to single of emotions
I dream to forget everything
I dream to be nothing
TO be everything
To be nothing I know
someone new
someone I never knew
someone true


True?

Yes
I dream of truth
I dream of everlasting
I dream of stength
I dream of difference



Difference?

I dream of a challenge
I dream of agonising tries
failure?
success?
the in between


I dream never to dream again
dreams must roll
dreams must be kicked
and I




tricked.







Tricked????



No
Just 2 hours ago I was tricked
Just 4 hours ago I was tricked
Just all this year I was tricked
Just my Life Ive been tricked
By everyone
By no one
By me


I see




Me
tricked all the time
I hear it
I know it
I don't know it
but I do

I love you

Who?

I honestly Don't know
I don'tknow who I love
but I do know , Who I don't love
Who I've never ever loved




Yes



No
I drown
I sink
I think
of
......


Facebook

I laugh

I think again


Vibrations

I cry and scream inside a million times to STOP
but I do not stop


I think again



secrets

bad secrets
ones that haunt me
ones that I dont know the details about
but they have become the details of my life



Behind closed eyes
is a large gaping hole
and behind the hole
is a secret wall
that you must find and break
if you find it, the story can continue
behind the wall
is the most greenest of gardens
and behind the gardens
is a beautiful palace
filled with all your wishes
and all good things
and behind the palace
are millions and millions of heaven
and even more love
and behind the love
is the man youre looking for
and behind him......
I don't know
I'll have to see then


I'm still looking for the wall above the dark and dirty hole
I'm still looking for the very beginning
I'm still looking for me so I can begin


I could go on forever
but .......... No more
I couldwrite nonsense
But no more
I could click and click and click
only to find
nothing
I could sleeeep
yes I could sleeep
and sleeeeep
and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
but no more
I've slept for a thousand years
Ive been hypnotised and poisoned by sleep
sleep little lady dont say a word
the devils going to buy a kissing sword
and when you are not looking
he's going to kill
and all your life he's going to spill
over and
over
and over
again
So sleep pretty lady and don't say a word
the devils gona send you a killing bird
and when that bird tweets death to the year
all your soul will dissappear
so hush and listen to the song of wealth
that will burn you forever forwhat you






never achieved

white long satin you once carried
now its a short roll of black
wont cover your back
wont cover any attack
you haveno more defense
I sense
you have nothing to defend

If i had one wish..........

If I had one wish

I would stop this manical metamorphing of having to love SOME - body and stRT LOVING MYSELF

Listen and dont trip

your life is slip

tripping and falling

falling and never getting up

If I had one wish

I would create a heart changing love

I would erase all the above

Iwould be patient and me

I would never let someone get to me

unless they were beautiful

in soul and mind

but what I'm doing now

If i had one wish I would cancel all the cells making me think like this

making me cry like this

all the people making me feel like this

If I had one wish

We would be best friends

love would never end

temperatures begin

If i had one wish

you would be my boo

promise to love you

trust me I trust you

if i had one wish

we would run away

makin love all day

have us a baby

If I had one wish

lI'd make you my whole life

can you be my wife

If I had one wish I would understand myself better

I would trust in God more

I would forget people who make me frustrated

I would be calmer

IWould be involved with my love and music to set my life correct

not to intercept my life with others

with other peoples intervention

If I hade one wish

I would never dance with anybody that I dont love

I would never say to anybody love them unless I truly love them

unless it is right

If I had one wish

we would run away

to heaven

to be continued........

so hard to wake up in the mornin

A few days left until the New Year
I want to exctinct my fear
I want to forget tears
I am sad because I dont do what I want
I dont achieve what I desire
I dont listen to who I am
I dont do anything to make myself happy
and so getting up in the morning becomes a nightmare
I am never strong enough
I am never quick enough

later in the grades of faith
I will be so low
I will be so low
and my beauty will be rotten
there will come a time when my beauty will be irreversible
I wont be able to fix it
I wont be able to have it
and the more alienated I am from myself and body
the more alienated I Will be from God
and vica versa
the more further I am from faith
the more further I am from what I am inside

the last 10 days _ I keep thinking

God i have so many dreams
So many of them I can barely collect them
keep them
touch them even
I can see so many of them jump around me theyre so lively
so many of them fly theyre so alive
and all my baskets are full and I still dream

It feels like my life depends on my dreams
If I dont' dreamI get sad
God I hate being sad
and when I hear someone close to me sad
it makes me eve nsadder
My emotions are so raw
I just feel
or I just write
or I just worry
maybe this is my problem
I really a lot
I think of so much
just like my endless dreams

2010 i snearly over
there are just over 10 days left
I feel like the year has flown
gone quick gone bad
gone good
gone strange
gone enemy
gone my way
this year gave me the most important visit in my life
I went to mecca and medina
for the first time
I felt so close and like God had given me a gift
a really special one

But htis year I lost two of my uncles
sad times
very sad times

But this year I was a working woman for the first time i earned my own money and i guess even though i had my problems i still felt good about everything

I was held back by a lot of thigns but I am very couragous and proud of a lot of things Ive done

I guess I'm sieving the year through a good lens and a bad one

you can fid out news at any time
you can find out something that makes you cry and makes you sad at any time
your life can change in an instant
I spent the whole year affected by bad news
you cant stop bad news
you cant stop what god intends for us
I played around life attempting to be the stronger one
without God
I failed miserably
I spent days and hours crying
I spent days and weeks falling
ispent weeks and months far from God
I spent today reviewing what had all been ... time wasted
It doesnt make sense
wasting time
Life is precious
time is precious
Its not worth forgetting

I think to myself - what am I planning for myself

I think to myself

what is it that I've done

what is it that I've achieved

I think to myself

what is it that I dream

that I want

that I desire

that I Can do

what is it tha t I Can do???

I think to myself

what do I mean

how much can I succeed

when can I reach my goals

I think to myself

how much have I lost

given away

how much have I forgotten

like amnesia

how much have I forgotten

I think to myself

why have I done this to myself

been mean to myself

been a stranger with myself

been unfair to myself

been unkind

if I am like this, the most intimate person with myself

then how can i expect others to be good to me

I think to myself

how intimate can i be

how sensual can i be

how fulfilling

how passionate

i think

what does passion mean to me

is it kissing

or is it more than t hat

much much more than that

deeper relationships more than that

i think to myself

why have i placed all this pressure on me

all this ugly pressure on me

by me!

why force myself like this

why all the lack of trust

trust to be beautiful

trust to be kind

trust to be the one

i Think to myself

who is that i want to attract

truly ,

who is it that i want to attract

the more questions i ask

the more the layers peel back

of regret

of dissapointment

of honesty

of deep criticism

i think to myself

who is that i want to make proud

what is it that i want to hear

and see

and be

i think to myself

what do words mean to me

what is it that i want to write

i think to myself

are my prayers answered

if not what could be stopping them

but my prayers have been answered

so i think to myself

why would god love me and save me

when i am so arrogant?

i think to myself

i have treated god like a betrayed lover

he has done nothing but love m e protect me

save me

look out for me

heal me

give me options

give me freedom

give me thoughts

good thoughts

good memories

good times

beautiful country

beautiful family

he has give me faith

without faith i would have been nothing

he has given me the love for faith

the love for being good

and i

i think to myself what have i given god?

lies

depression

distrust

deception

failure

wasted time

wasted smiles

heavy burdens

weak heart

lustful soul

broken thoughts

recently i have been nothing but the last three

weak heart

lustful soul

broken thoughts

entangled and tangled within each other

until i am a viscious cycle of tears

and fears

and ... nothing

i htink to myself

i have brought myself to nothing

i have brought myself to a crossroads

like i ve passed it over and over always taking the wrong junction

i always take the one that seems better

easy

wonderful

sick with love?/

love ?

no lvoe is not the word

love is too gentle and pure for here

sick with pain

i think to myself

why this raod all the time

why this junction always

dont i know i will go down it and turn and turn and turn until i come back to start of the end

again and again

/?

i think to myself

just looking beyond

there is another road

it look smoother and softer

peaceful and wild at the same time

it looks fulfilling

and smart

worthwhile and gloriously loving

if i walk on it

it has the love i want

th elove forever

the love that last beyone eras and worlds

the love that never dies

the love that i search for

the love that i pray for

over and over again

( to be continued)

that love cannot begin unless I unlock it within me

i think to myself where is the key?

untitled mess.... no love here

I'm just in a totally different worl right now
I'm sick with indentations of the past
pasts that Ive created
love that I desire

I'm broken into a thousand wrong pieces
torn into a million different hopes
lost into a hundred far away places
dreaming of 1 man
and 1 time
1 idea
and 1 destiny

sometimes i think I'm crazy
sometimes i hate who I am
sometimes I believe nothing can be mine
sometimes I just want to cry
breakdown he said

god why did I do that
way past the territory
way past my goal
bascally I didnt leave it up to you
i decided to take things on my own hands
really silly really
isnt it
quiite destructive soming to a new year
a terrible way to end this year
a terrible way to say goodbye
a silly way to be untold
silly really silly

Still I can't help but think I could have saved you from drowning

Stil I can't help but think I could have saved you from drowning

Still I cant help but feel the love for you that's blinding

Still I can't stop the words about you that I'm writing

Still I cant help but think about the pain that you're finding

I can't help but dream of you in another world

somewhere where youre nearer and better

somewhere where we're both healthier

somewhere were we know each other

and love each other

and would kill for one another

to be near

never to be far

never to be apart

Still I cant help but close my eyes

and picture you involved with me

in a whirlwind romance

of ectasy

of sweet tragedy

where we fight to be right

I fall for you and you fall for me

because we are destiny

____________________

and even though we are times and oceans apart

and even though you'll never hear my heart

I still think about you

and what you can do

and what you can say

and how you would be

if you turned around

and saw me

see, I can see something inside you

for the good of you

that can change you

stronger

happier

closer

to home

so I hope you will always know

you have a place to call home

it's called

Faith

It's called Sudan

It's called

Love

all the above are just waiting for you to explore them

and opening the window into them

you can forget all your sadness

and madness

_____________________

I am going to pray to forget you

I am going to wish that I hate you

I am going to try and forgive you

and stop thinking about you

ina different place

I am going erase

your face

from my memories

_____________________

Always

have

magical

everlasting

dreams

______________________

please

for you

it stops here
the torment of a tormented scream
the pain of a suffering soul
the heartbreak of a heart
today now here
I am happy
I am strong
I am not in love
but in great need to ove myself
I am not alone
but in the presence of God
i am not lonely but in the company of myself and family

Right now
there is nothing that can ruin ANOTHER friday
another
holiday
another breakaway
I want to calm down
but let passion rush in as well


remember you can write
you can eat
you can dnace
you can live
and let livve
and be happy
very very happy

scrutiny of a tormented scream

Another week
another crossroads
another pain in my heart that wont go away


will it be another waste
another lifetime
until nighttime
units of emotion driven unspoken


will it be clean and worthy
or horribly messy
another hour
her speaker to my soul
killing me softy
killing me deeply


where am i going
back home
or back to pour
all the shame in

I could win myself
icould lose myself
i already have
so is that not enough
is that not strong aloud to tell myself to hold on
and shimmer through
right through
and smell petals
not rubbish
not pain

i am a million pieces inside
i am a thousand cracks waiting to split
violently silenced by secrets and wishes
dreams and current events
the melody whispers
this is wrong
stop what youre doing

another one starts playing
you know you have no control
you know you have no ambush to conquer this mess

then a new song
to hypnotise the love inside
me
the quests revolve
within me
the shadows glamour periodically
everything shimmers and glitters
and like drugs shakes you and wakes you shakes you breaks you and hates you
all at the same time
no compensation
no investigations
no deep guitars
or beautiful piano
I am a part only of the rythym of my lost heart

lost heart
i dont know what my heart wants anymore
i dont know is it even mine
i dont know why my heart asks for all this pain
i dont know why im giving it what it wants
i dont know how to stop this explosvie stealing of emotions

right now i am a bleeding fountain
red swirls of passion antagonised by blue waters
soft tumbles of mess into the loud swish of currents
love soars and anger pours out into the environment
my environment
my apartment
my heaven is hell
my hell is sweet
like diamonds glittering in the madness of confusion and tales linger and whisper
untold unheard
unable to understand forever
why im like this
why i do this

vanish all the goodness within me and available in me
out
away
into invisibility
into destruciton


ill never understand why i let other peoples stories and mistakes
entangle me into a spiderwebs invasion


''she came in to the room with a coloured bag and her daughter pushed by evil of jealousy and destruciton shecame into my house and my dreams swelled in my mind into a huge drama until they burst
i felt wicked i felt weak i felt so much pain i could no longer breathe
i still cant breathe
i stilll see her face in my face
in my dreams in my lust and affairs
she stole my heart
i let her steal my family and my life
i let her win


it wasnt even a competition
but i feel her game racing against me
my life is pushed to the side
my soul has cried and cried
as she races within me
of her evil eyes and lies
everything was so vivid and still is
everything was so unclear and still is

so this woman has broken my heart
even though i dont even know her
i just know that i am here today at 15.32 still remembering her secrets and breathing in her intoxicating shadow

dont i have a choice?
dont i have a choiceto forget all this

Bags of emotions have to go

I'm so sick of writing love poems
writing about kissing and stares
about touching
and feelings
I'm tired about writing love in sentences and lines
in tying it with stories and iflms
love in films
love in drama
love in movies
I know that love is unaware
so i'm tired of being aware of it all the time
I'm sick of thinking of love in dimensions
within proportions
saying love is grand
im sick of saying love is grand
as it is grand
it should not be said

_________________
Bag of thorns
sticks and stones
tar and bones
mud and studs
thorns and twigs

_____________
Bag of Petals
world and air
oceans and water
taps of milk
paper and silk
love and infinity
forever and ever
truth and fantasy
rain and sky
green and dear
luscious petals
become bags of time
or breaks of crime

_________
Remember nothing is wrong except if you say it is

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH>>> Liar

Oh no
I'm in big trouble
big trouble
trouble like ive never felt before
I'm a liar
I'm a thief of love
I'm a.. lost wonder
I used to think I was strong
I used to think I was happy
I used to think I was the one anyonce could count on
but Ive discovered I can dissapoint
badly
I am in big trouble

I dont have the power to stop myself
I dont have the power to stop falling
I tried and failed
I didnt try and failed
I try but dont try at the same time
oh no Im in big trouble
Ive lost faith
ive lost the line to the future
ive lost the path of hope
Ive not watched the sun rise in...............

a long time

long enough to forget good things
long enough to forget how to try

oh god im in big trouble
im in big mistakes
oh god i feel so bad
you know i feel bad
ive never done semthing like this before
i feel awful
i feel so terrible

so ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Falling from Grace, thinking it's Love

I wonder

I Wonder what it takes to love me

I mean to melt all the crevices within me

to chocolate divine rubble existing from lavish taste

of internal bliss



I try and imagine

What it takes for my destination to explore radicles of caramel

exploding from heat and darkening under the sun

the glamorous distinction between tempting soul and sweet remedy



I think about how many midnights it will take

or how many cheesecakes can i make

or cakes to sift and bake

until i feel loved

until I see my life as mine
until I feel my heart is divine

for hte one to taste it first
Is within me
Is devilishly broken bits around me
yet angelically whipped to torment me


to be continued....

Hey boy, I realy want to be with you.....(un discovered Love)

Turning every bit of detail in my mind

I come alive in the night time

Thinking about our time

I dream in your magnificent ways

how fantasy delicately sways

but dangerously plays

..... hey boy , I really want to be with you

cuz your just my type

I dive in unrealistic melodies

consuming loves and ecstasies

come try me

come find me

I surrender

to every word you whisper

dramas flicker

how you're tender

I will let you in

like a beautiful sin

nothing wrong

everything right

but nothing right

and all is crazily wrong

baby you got me

so unbalanced

tarnished but new for you

young and born for you

Hey boy I really wanna see

if you can be downtown

for a girl like me

lost but alive

broken but strong

hey listen,

I will dream forever of you

and i Know it will come true

Ive been trying to work out

what it's all about

way past the point of losing my mind

Love i find

for me

is

yet

un

discovered

but holding

un

used

but stored

un

spent

but expensive

un

told

but

curious

un

met but

cherishable

un

expected

but

pending

un

changed

but

always....

DO NOT LET YOU LIVE WITHOUT YOU

STOP this madness

every day is a newd ay
and everything you have done
is a good process
to move on
to become the better person

if you feel you are rock bottom
then there is no way but up

pray
love
eat
have faith
think well
be happy
stay strong
get amazinf
feel bright
love yourself
HAVE FAITH

it is the only way u can stop any madness
any pain

...........
DO NOT LET DAYS PASS U BY
DO NOT LET DREAMS SHOWER AWAY
DO NOT LET MEMORIES GET YOU DOWN
DO NOT LET YOUR NEGATIVITIES BECOME YOUR ONLY YOUR ONE AND ONLY
DO NOT LET PASSION BE FORGOTTEN
DO NOT LET GOD BE FORGOTTEN
DO NOT LET GOD AND PASSION BE LOST
DO NOT LOSE FAITH
DO NOT LOSE EYESIGHT OF MECCA AND MADINA
DO NOT FORGET WHERE YOU ARE
WHO YOU ARE
DO NOT LET DEVILS LIVE HERE
DO NOT LET ANGELS WALK AWAY
FLY AWAY
TURN AROUND
DO NOT LET TIME PASS THROUGH
DO NOT LET TEARS MELT YOU INVISIBLE
DO NOT LET YOUREYES GET SMALL
DO NOT LET BAD DEEDS ENCLOSE YOU
DO NOT LET LOVE LEAVE YOU
DO NOT LET AGE CHANGE YOU
DO NOT LET WORK GET TOO HARD FOR YOU
DO NOT LET FEARS KILL YOU
DO NOT LET WORDS HAVE YOU
DO NOT LET RUMOURS BREAK YOU
DO NOT LET THE FUTURE SCARE YOU
DO NOT LET THE PAST HAUNT YOU
DO NOT LET PEOPLE EAT YOU
DO NOT LET THEIR STARES EMPRISON YOU
DO NOT LET DIRT GET UNDER YOU
DO NOT LET GET SUDAN MISS YOU
DO NOT LET SUDAN COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET A MAN COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET FOOD COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET MUSIC COMPLETE YOU
DO NOT LET THE NIGHT CONSUME YOU
DO NOT LET THE MORNING MISS YOU
DO NOT LET PRAYERS LIE ABOUT YOU
DO NOT LET THIS WORLD LIE ABOUT YOU
DO NOT LET HIS WORLD GET TOO BIG FOR YOU
DO NOT LET THIS WORLD GET TOO SMALL FOR YOU
DO NOT LET YOUR PLACE LIVE WITHOUT YOU
DO NOT LET YOUR HOME GROW OUTSIDE YOU
DO NOT LET PAIN GROW INSIDE YOU
DO NOT LET VOICES GROW WITHIN YOU
DO NOT LET LONELINESS SURVIVE AROUND YOU
DO NOT LET YOUR FACE A STRANGER IN FRONT OF YOU
DO NOT LET ILLNESS BECOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET DEPRESSION BECOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET CONFUSION BECOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET PROBLEMS BECEOME THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET YOURSELF LIVE OR DIE WITHOUT THE FACE OF YOU
DO NOT LET YOURSELF LIVE OR DIE WITHOUT CHANGING FOR THE BETTER OF YOU
DO NOT LET YOURSELF LIVE OR DIE WITHOUT BECOMING YOU
WITHOUT BECOMING YOU

untitled mess

God
I can't believe I chose the wrong option
I chose the one that makes me unhappy and that makes my parents unhappy


It's as if I gave my life to the wrong person
and invisible terrible feeling now haunts
its like on one hand i have everything every woman can aspire or dream of
and on the other hand I have nothing


So i choose nothing
I choose to stay home
I choose to be confused


and then confuse my parents
confuse myself
confuse others
like my heart my soul my time my memories


I think to myself I Want this and that and this and that all in 2 months
or less
and I want all the future to come to me
while i dont do anything
i just want to bake and wait for it


and then i think to myself I want to do everything I possibly can to be true to myself
I want to suceed and fulfill my destiny
MY destiny
the one that only includes me and my dreams
and not what other people want of me or what even I want of me
I know that sounds contradicting
but it does make sense

sometimes even I defect myself
wanting too much
asking too much
is tiring
and confusing
and depressing

if i stop that
and just do
what
I can
and what I want
without entries from other places

today,....I say.....

far away

there is a day

when i will stay

with the one I dream

one day

I will pray

with the one I dream



There will be a way

where I can lay

with the one I dream



With no delay

I may

say

to him, come what may


I  sway with him

where waters meet the bay

where the shines of the ray

fall on where we play

....................................

the third option

But imagine if there was a way out

like glowing flowers and daylight

and whispering nights of paradise

imagine if there was a way out

I think I would take it

I think I would care about it

and help it grow

its hard to find the right thing

its hard to do the best

by hard I mean the second option should be the first

the third option is to die

the fourth option is to breathe

the second option is to say its hard and pretend

the first is to

break

free

from all your queit intuitions of madness

you are not

you will never be

you are lost

you are alone

you are lonely

they are all differentt variations of the same meaning

you are choosing the third option

there is always something before and after death

so why do you choose to die

to live like you are dead?

terrible imagining but true

imagine
If this was behind you
telling you to be the one you are
telling you to stop praying
telling you to start loving
sin

imagine if this was the voice
spinning through your mind
becoming attached to your soul
eating your soul
killing your heart

imagine if this the was one breaking your future
destroying your dreams
becoming your future
changing your future
arresting your time

imagine if this was the face
behind your face
behind your actions
behind your tears
behind your disasters
behind you

imagine if this was the devil
that sits and watches you
that touches you
that is involved with you
that loves you

the only one that loves you?
the only one you think is capable of loving you?


imagine imagine

untitled double dreams

i have a lot to say
nothing to do with the picture as such but everything to do with my dreams and my sadness, my love and despair
I could never see myself be in a position so lost, so down
I dont know how to get up
or is it i dont want to get up?
I dont know
all i know
is that I feel alone
with double doubt
double ugliness
double disaster
double breakdown
double fears

and all my beauty
all the beautiful parts within me
are being shattered
and withered
like broken flowers
broken times

I feel like I am a double
for a part of me is always angry
is always sad

and a part of me wants to smile and forget

all these questions turn in my head
i cant get them to stop turning in my head

its like an ungoing tornado
a lifeless form of spinning evolution

I cant stop thinking about things that have happened
things that are happening
why are they happening
should they happen
can i stop them
am i allowed to stop them
can i stay queit for the rest of my life

and then I cook...... the beginning's of a story

The day begins with a dagger in my heart
My mind is stolen
My Soul lost in the dawn of the dead dreams
I wake up fall asleep
relax tense
pain and try in my lifeless hope
everything seems wrong
I could keep falling in this darkenedstory
I could keep breaking within my trembling possibilities
behind these walls
I can smell sense touch the anger
like
soft dews of untouchable love
beneathe the cover
I can feel the lie
the lies
as I lie still
Still


And then I cook

It begins by opening the door to the fresh saturday market
the hustle and bustle of a small city
I walk gently to fresh eggs, pink salmon, dirty leeks
everything is so fine
so simple
I buy the care and the freshness asking to return to something new


Deep inside
I cook for myself
I cook to forget
I cook to remember
I cook to love
I cook without counting
everything is correct
everything is possible
everything is beautiful

I listen to the soft fizz of oil as heat builds
boiling water bubbles calmly and I can see the salt , white with power rise and melt into the volcano ive created within
I choose the largest of the extra largest eggs
it's smooth and round hld within my fingers...

my bruised cut and tired sore fingers

close by, I cut the salmon into little pieces, the leeks into spirals

the oil is hot, hot like fire

again that wonderful blissful hiss of cooking, changing
I watch as the leeks get curly and tender, the oil breaks, the smells collapse into my lungs
I season the salmon with a hint of salt
with a push of black and red pepper
then
I begin to collect

is it collecting my feelings?
my pain?
my hostility
my fever
the white plate sits empty waiting to be used
like im waiting to be used

i place the melted leeks on the bottom the plate
they make a green soft platter of memories on the base of this story
then the pieces of now firm salmon sit plumply as the story continues
finally I shell the egg
the soft hot white touched my hands and it is like playing
it moves like a song
for i have barely let it

as I place the soft boiled egg in the centre and cut through
the yellow oozes out of its heart
the colours
Green, Pink, White, Yellow are all free now
for the story is complete
or is it?

I open the fridge and take a piece of Irish bread Soda
I let it warm through, as its rough particles soften
then i take some butter and start letting it touch the bread
soon
the bread is warm and soft and becomes another part of the family I have created



As I sit down I feel like the most professional woman in the world
not for just having made this
but for having created a masterpiece from within me
made with all my intentions
all my emotions
all my tastes
my loves
my tears
my memories
this isnt just a plate of food

its a plate of life
my life
my world
my time

as my world enters my body I merge with the divinity of peace
everything is now right
the taste is correct
the feeling is good
the meaning I can understand

I keep indulging into this wide open door of pleasure i have given myself
for there is nothing wrong with it
there is nothing strange about it

except it is mine

re- beginning

A lot of things in my mind

but only one thing is clear

I love my life

and I love who I am

and I want to help myself

not make it worse

not make it any harder

I just want to love myself

I dont want to follow anybody

just myself

I mean

no one should affect mei f I dont want them to

no more cold

for I need to thaw out all this fighting with myself

no more heat

for I want to cool all this pain ive been hiding

no more lust

for i want to hold all this passion im creating

for something big

for something great

for something amazing

even I dont know what it is

but I know its there

still running through me

After going to the peaceful yet revolutionary life changing experience of mecca and madina trip. i feel like a new woman
I feel invigorated by my own strength
for suddenly
and deeply
everything I can battle
I am not saying that i do not have the problems or the fears
but everything inside me and outside me is for God
no matter how it is
I feel so
STRONG
I feel like God is my ora , my era, my dearest and only reason fo being
and so
things get channeled into my love for him
and my hope in him
and my passion to live right
it channels my heart and soul

I know that Istill do mistakes
a lot of mistakes
I say a lot fo things i dont mean
I think a lot of things i cannot stop

but when i look back
and when i think back
I
am
the
right
person
and now
I do see myself as



me.


All from a simple trip

Dear long lost lover

Dear sir,
It's 11.48 Pm and I'm imagining across the rainbows and over the oceans, in another life, in another place not this world, t's still 11.48 Pm except

We are together ,
We are in love,

See, I'm thinking about you even though I Really don't know


cant w rite how i Feel
Ican only dream it and see it so real it hurts to let go
like...avatar
I just want to close my eyes and never leave your world

the world where you a re... the man I want
more than the man I want
you are better



I can see love
I can see a lot of things
Its hard for me to have them
like beauty
likel ust
like purity
like your love


I feel like in that world
so
so
far away

we are one
we connect
we sync together into harmonious pleasure
by
just
dancing
we love each other
like crazy


im telling you Icant write how i feel
call it lack of talent
call it pain to try and putsuch a golden silk dream into words
call it intense pain to come back to reality
as writing is reality

but I love you
Ive only met you once
I hate you
you dont mean anything to me in my world here
you can never exist
you dont even know I exist
i hatae you
becasue you do all the wrong things and live nthe wrong world
and yuo are the wrong man for me
ive only seen you once
ive only met oyu once
and idont know you
but i know i cant stop thinking about you in that world
where we dance so close it might just be impossible to seperate your touch from my heart

i know that i am in a terrible state of mind
i have let everyhting leak
all my sin leak
so why not this

this world where you exist
i let it pur into me
even if every second i let it breathe
it will shatter my existence
for to make my dream alive
i have to kill a prt of me

Broken hearted girl

I Realise I am the most broken hearted girl
in my world, the world
in the worst state of broken heart
I could never have a bigger slash
or a deeper wound
I could never be more hurt
or feel so disconnected with good
Suddenly
I lose control

giving everything you built
in a lifetime
for a second or two seconds divine


I am broken hearted for I have lost the chance to remain strong
but now, just a fewseconds later
i can see amillion ways I Could have been strong
that I didnt take
I lead myself to this
which is why I am broken hearted

I could never be more broken hearted
For I have lost every bit of faith
its like i angry and mad
at who?
or what?
its no ones fault but myself
I have lead people to talk abot me
and think about me
and wonder about me
jsut like im quesitoning myself now


suddenly im so silent
suddenly im just so suprised
and so pained
at what weakness can do

but its my own fault im weak
its my own fault im like this
there is no point on blaming other people
that got me down
no matter what theyve done
I choose my options
I choose my thinking
I CHOOSE MY THINKING

I'm broken hearted because I Feel so small
Ifeel like im thorned
i feel like Im embarrassed from the creator
I cant mention his name


IM broken hearted because today is friday
and it feels like the last day
it feels like I jsut want to open some door and never come back



.......................................

Work Writing 2_ Never ever lonely

I thank you God for the journey you have taken me through
for It was kind and strong
it was hard but explainable
it was difficult but I reach ease now

everything is explainable and that means a life I Can explain
iF I look back
everything makes sense
and if I look forwards I know what I want now

I realise that you are there all the time
teaching me and helping me
and when I got very lost
you brought me to the most important place in the whole wide world
my whole wide world



you made me travel through my darkness through planes and deserts to reach water and magnificence
mecca and madina
loving sisters of life
I know what my life means to me now
i know that I want to renew my feelings towards a lot of things

my dreams have changed
or else they have become more accurate

my sadness has dissappeared for
i Trust you and think of you as the reflection that absorbs all within me and surrounding me

Trust me
I am no longer ever lonely

Work Writing 1

I feel so happy I am siting here with all these new facilities and admirations to myself and god for giving me these kind and needed gifts.
Writing from work is a new idea created to help me explore a new environement of writing, stressed under conditions of life but calm from the proffesionalism quantified in my life. I am work writing about a lot of old and new things, a lot of parts within me waking up again and others having slept forever I can begin refining my words, my actions , my days, my nights, my blog.




In a different environment
like I'm in a new person
I look around
and I have new things
in a new place
for a new time
that I don't know when will end
I want to type different poems
and stories

I want to remember parts of me and forget others
I want to be independant of tears but never forget the drama that healed me just like it broke me
I want new feelings
to feel better that I can afford them
a new work chair and a new work computer
that I know I am new work woman
filled with confidence
I don't care what people thank me for
I thank myself everyday that I forgive myself
Because I have achieved the impossible
I have achieved stepping over remains of memories
I have jumped over hardships of sharp mountains
I have cleared the pathway of pricking fear and love

and when I did that
sitting here now typing out of memory that I am talented
and I am happy
and I am proud
I feel like
no conversation can bring me down
and loneliness
is no longer defined
for I can never be lonely
God is with me always
and my thoughts have travelled millions of miles to reach this new discovery



I want to thank different memories
for they have brought me here
serene and able to smile


I ask myself
how far are you and how near are you?

from everything ...
I answer


I don't know
but I know I am no longer worried
and I am no longer sad
about anything


............TO BE CONTINUED

A new journey_ Mecca Madina

A struggling journey filled with truth and pure context of faith , I learned a new way I could never imagine

When I close my eyes....

I still see the black and gold remedy of built beginnings and sanctuary of faith - lights embedding and flooding the heavy streets for people cascaded on entry and never came back - I was told so many things but when it came to that very last second that only first moment you take so long to reach - my mind couldn't stop thinking about thinking to stop and my heart couldn't relax for my feet were bustling to reach further and my eyes were straining to look closer , sounds came from far and wide so my own sound I lost to their rythym to their love for the same place to their choice to come here too to their struggle to get nearer to the heat of 3 million people all hoping for the one and only -

...... To be continued

Under the Ground _ is your Buried Life

'' But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us--to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.''

In our continuous loud struggle - Din of strife

DO YOU HEAR ME HOPE?

THREE EASY STEPS


YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THE SIN

YOU HAVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT

YOU HAVE TO MAKE A PROMISE NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN






AND IF YOU DO???

THEN YOU REPENT

AND IF YOU STILL DO?

THEN YOU REPENT AGAIN?

IF YOU DO IT AGAIN??


YOU REPENT AGAIN AND AGAIN

AND IF YOU STILL FALL SHORT ON YOUR PROMISE TO GOD?


THEN YOU REPENT, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN


WE ARE ALL SINNERS,IT IS IN HUMAN NATURE TO SIN
i SIN
YOU SIN
WE SIN

A VERB COMMITTED TO OUR GENETIC STRUCTURE

yOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY SIN IS
AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOUR SIN IS


BUT GOD KNOWS THE EXACT DETAILS OF SINS


SO DONT HIDE
DONT LIVE YOUR LIFE PRETENDING
THAT IF YOU CANNOT STOP SINNING
THEN YOU CANNOT CHANGE

WE ALL SIN

BUT WE CANNOT ALL REPENT

SO ASK GOD FOR FORGIVENESS
DO NOT HIDE
DO NOT BE A LOSER
REPENT
AND REPENT
AND REPENT


AND HE WILL ACCEPT
HE ALWAYS DOES


DONOT ENTER RAMADAN NOT BELIEVING THAT


DO YOU HEAR ME HOPE?

A new discovery_ The Truth is in the Past

9th CENTURY _ ALKINDI

'' It is fitting for us, NOT to be ashamed

of acknowledging truth

and to assimilate it,

from whatever source it comes to us

There is NOTHING of higher value than truth itself

it NEVER cheapens or abases he who seeks''

I wonder, I wonder

will writing how I feel witout ever seeing it ...work

it would be like writing in space and imagining the letters dissappear into alternate realities

maybe even travelling to some other planet

forming into their meaning

so If I wrote about true love

as the words miraged through the air

they would become love

or if I wrote about a dream

the dream would enfold

or if I wrote about a fear

the fear I would have

......

if i wrote words and didnt see them

never heard them

just wrote them

and thought about other things

like space and galaxies

and heaven

and the past

if I thought about the past and the people in it

I was on a path

and my words were on their own journey

I wouldnt have to feel them

I wouldnt have to control them

I think that would be fair

for words are crucial to pain

as they are to love

as they are to episodes of fury

as they are to knowledge

as

they

are

to

me

Run Island

I don't have a lot to say
except that - I wish I was on an island
where they take me from this world whether I want to or not
they take me to this beautiful island where there is nothing but palm trees and little huts, where there is sand and beach and water, cocunuts and the sound of far away
it doesnt matter if the storm comes or if the sun drains the land with heat
they take me to this island
where they rip me apart from my old emotions
and they make me run and run and run and run and run and run and run and run and eat only.... very little until my shape changes
where they only have freezing cold showers.. outside
where only u sleep at a certain time and wake at a certain time and wear colours of nothing really
in this island there is no emotion, you cannot think about anything except what you are doing in that very moment in time
you just think of how to survive
you have no past no future no pain no memories
you have no time but to think about the energy you need to
run and run and run and run and run
I wish I was on an island like that
where its just what I have to do - do it
DO IT
and
nothing else

the rest of your mind you cannot see
the rest of your thoughts you cannot bring
the rest of your heart you drown behind you



................

and run and run and run and run

Ramadan _ the best of everything

i believe that I can be the best of everything
i want to be the strongest that i Can ever achieve
I realise that it takes hard work and effort otherwise i IWill slip
But I want to be the best of everything I can ever afford
I want you God to help me and save and allow me to ask forgiveness
I pray that you look down on me and be there for me and forgive me
I want ramadan to be my only hope
I want my mind to concentrate on this like a passionate love
for I will never find a greater love
than when god brings down the heavens from above
to us here

City of Ramadan_ I live here now

Nisf Shaban_ Half to Ramadan

The 26th Of July Monday 2010 will be Half the month of shaban_ month before ramadan - so around 2 weeks left now until Ramadan -
it is a speial good night where prayers can be answered and your will to God renwed before the faithful intentions to Ramadan _
reading Yaseen three times beginning after Maghrib and you must finish before isha
After each Yaseen you read the above Du'a
and on each yaseen you ask for

Lengthening of Life
Lifting of troubles from you
That you do not need people's pity

A better life starts with better thinking

“You should repulse a thought.

If you do not do so, it will develop into a desire.

You should therefore wage war against it.

If you do not do so, it will become a resolution and firm intention.

If you do not repulse this, it will develop into a deed.

If you do not make up for it by doing the opposite thereof

[the opposite of that evil deed], it will become a habit.

It will then be very difficult for you to give it up”

“You should know that the initial stage of every knowledge that is within your choice is your thoughts and notions.

These thoughts and notions lead you into fantasies.

These fantasies lead towards the will and desire to carry out [those fantasies]. These wills and desires demand the act should be committed.

Repeatedly committing these acts cause them to become a habit.

So the goodness of these stages lies in the goodness of thoughts and notions,

and the wickedness of these thoughts lies in the wickedness of thoughts and notions.”

Before Ramadan Love became ill

If I'm going to enter Ramadan and make this work then I am adamant to let go of all my fears, all my pain, all my misconceptions

Yes I am a dreamer - Yes I am unrealistic

Yes I am afraid I will never find the right kind of man to fall in love with me

I don't think I'm interesting enough or beautiful enough or even good enough

I don't even know what I'm looking for

That is not the point for I know that god can give me anything

But I don't have enough strength for patience or for remembering Allah

It makes me dissapointed in myself that something so beautiful can make me so bad

it makes me sad that sometimes I might be ready to let go of everything

i have so much love to give

I have so much passion inside me

and i love that in me

it makes me different from every woman I know

But ....

I need to return that love to God, to myself,

life revolves around the Love you are willing to give to God

And that is what I have failed in

BUt I write on paper that I am sorry

and that all i miss is loving you god

all i miss is having you near my side always as i wake and sleep and live

I write on paper that i give you all my dreams for exchange of new ones

and to keep them for me

i write on paper that love has become something ill for me

so Ink my fears and splash my bad thoughts for ramadan to cure

Before Ramadan trust vanished

Trust is something so valuable - I have learned that the hard way
But the river of trust can only begin by it's first creator - God
If you do not trust God and his mysterious ways for you - or his challenges for you or his paths for you
then you cannot trust anything or anyone
Trusting god suddenly lifts tonnes of your shoulders
suddenly picks you up from falling
by trusting that god has everything written for you beautifully you are safe
and u can turn to yourself
you can look towards trusting yourself
for you know now that you are just a part of this written paper of things happening
i let go on paper today that I have forgotten how to trust god
trying to do everything
tryingto find everything
trying to fix everything
trying to think of everything
trying to forget me
i write on paper that I am sorry to myself for letting myself get so forgotten
right now I cannot even trust myself

But ramadan comes and ramadan will heal
I will change and trust will flow once again

Before Ramadan I have never felt good

when you search for pleasure and good feelings in areas away from faith, in areas far from god
your whole life becomes misery
its becomes an aimless goal
it becomes a terrible time

and the cycle continues cuz ur continously looking for something to make you feel good and you can't find it

when you think about it - it's the same rythym as addiction - you want to escape and you can't

I've had enough - Before Ramadan I give all my empty desires to paper
as i am going to search in the right place
I am going to feel good through faith, through staying up and reading Quran, through dreaming of heaven
by looking good for faith - by living for faith - by loving god - so much it will become unreal to love something else or another greater

A secret I MUST let go of....

I hold the phone to my ear as the sounds of his voice magnify in every half second – My ears hustle and try and wash the combustion of fear , fury and fantasy all mixed in one – I freeze for even he might know my breath, I don’t even blink for he might see me – I just sit and absorb the heaviness of my discovery – I have just stumbled on one of the darkest heaviest secrets of mankind - and it was all enfolding wrapped up from a deadly flower to a ripe true scent of time coming real for my only ears to hear and my only mind to have and my only eyes to tear about ...for the rest of time???
I know that God and faith have tested me I know that I have not been the tested known to pass – I haven’t failed either – I am stuck

I’m stuck between boundaries I should not enter, between twists of lies that web me distilled in anger and fury traumatised to find a reason to understand how things have turned out like this – I am stuck in memories of that night and this night and other nights were a secret had become a battle lost enfolding within my eardrums and underneath my heart and above my memories and encapsulated I am tied to all this mess

A secret is a secret – it is not meant to be known – therefore when it is discovered you are faced with options –
– the option to change it from a secret into something else – or the option to become a part of it
But getting stuck in not knowing what to do about it and letting it consume you further and further like a series of attacks or a series of emergencies unhelped is not the answer
I don’t think I will ever be the same again – maybe this is what is sticking to me and disallowing me to move
But I have lived like this – stuck in grief and it has not done anything but destroyed me –
I know that Ramadan is the best thing coming
It is my only hope
It is my true survival kit
It is everything I need –
New Time
Peace
Sanctuary with myself and faith
So this is a note :
No secret shall encroach upon me anymore
No pain of a secret can become my misery
I have let it all out on paper
He can do what he wants
He can be who he desires
And I will continue to love him and respect him and want what’s best for him
But I want to change my whole world around
And his secret is not a part of that anymore

Before Ramadan secrets are agonising

It's time to forget secrets
It's time to remember that you are not living to hold secrets for others or even for yourself
You are living for faith and god and you are living under his secrets and his miracle
It's time to close your eyes and let secrets get washed away
Don't be afraid of them
Don't let them bring you down
Don't let them BE your life
Don't let a secret ruin your life

Before Ramadan There was no calm

I have lost my calm for so long now
I could not stay calm at times when I really needed to be calm
Because I have less faith
Of course, carrying on is difficult then
You get stuck in all your uprisings


But no more
With Ramadan as my only healing coming
I will learn how to be calm -
I will find all the ways to calm me down
Praying
Solitude
Sanctuary in Quran
Finding the time for myself
Forgeting about food and drink and other worldy products and remembering the real importances
The only things that can make you calm

A clean soul
A new heart

Before Ramadan_ The beginning

The Toni Rich Project_ Nobody Knows that I miss my aunt & uncle

This song reminds me of my aunt and uncle as we used to drive by khartoum streets, nightime glistened and cars hooted for life to get out of the way but we were still, we were still with family, no money and extreme happiness, to be together to understand one another - for me to love life and to feel youth that could exist as we drove on rented cars finding a place for delicious ice cream listening to this song and other romantic songs on our 'cassette' player

When we got home we talked all through the night, mid night and quarter, I felt so expensive as - I felt revived with their love as i saw them and saw their love for each other
I envied them!
they were young romantic modern cool and yet they were traditional respectful wonderful and kind
for me they had everything
they had passion, late breakfasts, sweet words, they had beautiful children, they knew how to make someone laugh!they knew how to stay young, hey were young and they made me fall in love with sudan and more love

I used to see my aunt as part of my future womanly structure - in the future i Wanted to act like her , look like her , talk like her and make a family like her

my holidays were fun because of them
a big part of my past holds them ---
I will never forget midnight to sunshine -where we used to pray fajr and then sleep - they let me dream and i let myself dream....



So....What happened to them???


NOthing really... Just life I guess

Sudanese Bridal Dancing_ From history to present

It has always been a beautiful tradition for Sudanese weddings. In the Past, even men used to watch as a woman wore certain types of head gold, special hooped stamped earrings , a nose ring, and mainly red shining garments..... dress and the traditional toob_ a material about 4 metres in length.


as time entered modernity, women became more artistic, more fashionable , more unique, and always more daring to wear sexier and beautiful clothes. Some old songs remain the same but new 'girl' ones developed ones that can be added to the directory of sudanese wedding dance but others ones have been counted as lame and are not that respectable in terms of words and meaning.

Girls who become women on their wedding days as such, used to love this tradition, they are happy to have this special moment where they are cheered, where they become queens where they reach stardom , where they look like stars in front of their husbands, relatives & friends

where they use this once in a life time chance to do something to be remembered forever.

I remember since I was a child begging to go this part of the sudanese wedding , each different bride became a famous person for me, a token , a gift like something I could never touch, like a dream I wanted to be
I loved how she opened her arms and swayed her neck or when the music got faster how she flipped her hips and everyone clapped and 'zagrat' ( unique whistling sounds Sudanese women are famous for)

The atmospheres where incredible, like a sold out concert, a place where you were lucky to be invited to, Women chatted and ate, drank and had such a good time, and without knwoing forming part of everlasting history by having came

Then as I grew up i discovered that people got less traditional, This scared me and I started instead of choosing from all the weddings I could go to, to practically starving to find a bride who had a dance as part of her wedding. When I asked why suddenly the dancing was getting less, the answers became hotter, quicker and more and more explainable but unexplainable at the same time

Money

Time not available

Trust in people was drastically failing - Society had rising bad thoughts, more women used cameras to tape and download on the internet this private show and other disallowed males became more spying
Simply put - families starting to see society eyes as a jinx of happiness

The dancing tradition in general instead of being now seen as a beautiful old safe tradition was starting to be sold as a bad behaviour, women who danced were seen as Atypical brides.

More men and families became extra religious and misunderstanding of what is converted as an extremity - more and more people started seeing bridal dance as more a sinful act and contained no other benefits

I was always suprised. The last time I've been to a dance has been in an exctinct time. Honestly I Can't remember..... it could be 4 years now or more . My chances areless and less as i don't live in Sudan.

I wish I could revive it - I wish I could revive people & dreams of shining that stardom a woman feels for one night once again.

yes

If i ever got married I think I would dance.
What i mean is
even though I really want to dance I know that I must hope for chance to give me the correct circumstance and the correct destiny to do so


I have placed a couple of famous songs by a famous singer and drum beater (Gisma
some slow, some old , some new, but mainly all are a part of sudanese history now...

Gisma_ Where are you manga? ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_Ween Ya nas ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_Rahmak Ya Malak ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Alrayga( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ AleelaDoob We have to accept what's written ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Soog Ya Sawag, Drive Driver! ( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Tamase Soba( Sudanese Bridal Songs)

Gisma_ Raqsat Altaliba( Sudanese Bridal Songs)