Saturday, November 7, 2009

I never usually 21



I've wasted 3

I've wasted 3

and it feels like 300

tonnes on my heart

breaking into pieces because im not yet strong enough to hold on without a receipt

and it should be too

for going back is not an option now

i must focus

i must consider

that i am alone in this

I am very along in this

no texts, no phones, no smiles, no fakeness, no hidden attributes of a stolen moment in time

a stolen golden of rhyme

no one else

just I

I wanted...
I wanted so many things

cluttered in my mind
I couldnt choose from any of them
but now all i want is

to change

and i never usually change

so i must change

I

am

not wasting more

ever

for people judge you

and use you

and forget you

for people laugh at you

and put their concepts in your page

write on you

scribble their attitude

highlight your pain

for people take you..for granted

before they even know your feelings

who you are?

No.

I understand now

I understand that I must fend for this

and die for this

this is my own drama

this is my own series

this is my own love and heartbreak

I must be proud

what do I want to get even?

what do I want to suppress my anger?

It is not drowning into waters of my dreams

It is not getting saved by them either

It's ....

entering into an african sunset
coming through doors wooden with the ancient memories of my grandmothers approval
its wearing black and blue , bruised but cruised with industrial destiny
its thinking of God as your friend, as your only true love
you are doing this for heaven
for paradise
its breaking peoples voices by your silence
its believing in what you want
praying for it like you know
like you know
its a part of you
no matter what happens
always by your side
its waking up in the morning
and washing your face with african sunrise
for its the only remedy
_______________

When you touch a girl, you touch her soul


No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -