I never usually 19

I'm sick

I'm tired

I'm lonely

I'm scared

I'm imprisoned in these ideas and dreams

closed within this drama

so many feelings

so many wishes and hopes

I'm afraid

I'm angry

I'm trying to understand myself

to be someone beautiful

I'm strange

Ive never been like this

so ...wicked

Ive never been like this

so adamant about wrong

making it seem right

I dont know

Ive never even written on this place like this

usually its never about me

i mean, i never write about me so ..clearly

its always hidden behind metaphors and words and things

but not like this

just plain sentences so clear

I want to find love and to have it find me so that together

the earth trembles with a romance so deep so quick so long so strong so raw so fresh so real so crystal with expensive days shaking the times love even existed

i dont know

i guess

ive never been loved

and it hurts

i guess...#seeing all my cousins and friends find what i look for ..

well no i cant see what i look for

but i am jealous

of them

of anything small they do

and say

i get jealous

and i think to myself

thats ridiculous!

theyre all thinking theyre in love and thats not love thats... boring

you know you dont want anything like that

!

you want

the earth trembling type

but im still jealous

im still angry

with myself

with everything

i forget to ask god

i forget to love

the only thing that can give me my dreams

i dont know

i feel silly

i am writing very raw and square

not smooth sentiments of thought of truth

something that you can read and say, hey i get that

i dont even get it

what do i want?

when will i control myself?

when will i be happy

with who i am

with what i got

with what god gave me

and saved me, with

when will i be fulfilled

when will i be... recovered

from a youthful predisposition

to a pure woman

an independant woman

from all the pain

all the fury

all the anger

of something so small

consuming her , consuming me