Marilyn in Hope (3)

God I miss him so much
the extravagance of his touch
and the memories in his voice
and the reasons for his choice
to choose me
God Its all my fault
I'm not strong as I thought
or beautiful as I knew
for my heart is blackened few
sins but large commands to become unknowledged
and powerless to believe
even though I am a believer
God I cant be me
for all I see, is him being locked free
I know he hurts but i hurt more
and I know he misses but all my arrows have missed
but I am the selfish crowd
harbouring cold and cloud
I dont know what Im going to wear
what if things go lost
at what cost?
will i survive?
Ya Rab , stop these ridicules in my head
I am a strong powerful sudanese woman born and bred
living slightly on the edge of life
and yet trying to always eat as much as I can from the world
wrong decisions prioritise my campaign
and the actual few right  ones I take in vain
yes no always maybe
marilyn monroe was never sure how beautiful she looked
and felt so alone even though the whole world adores her
I just want him to adore me
and to never forget me
and to forgive me


I dream into space
to think of the deepest part of me
and converse with its madness
but all i hear is nothing
and all i see are regrets
and all i see is weakness
and all i see is a weak woman
a weak weak woman
one who is ready to give up  the after for life
and the quran for facebook
and God for sleep
and  love for earrings
and time for death

slowly as I am alive

where the messers reside

Everything will work out? right?
I will be fine? correct?
We will be fine? sure?
Things will be as I want? but what do I want?
nothing will be hard- sure?
Anything will be found out the right way
Things will be clear? OK?
________________
so many questions in my mind for God the one who used to answer them I cannot hear
I feel isolated in whirlpool of agony not knowing where to start opening my pain - so many questions in my head and i don't know where to tread on this land to make it ..perfect
I feel so less perfect like a fat truck driving on the wrong direction thinking they're right
and hooting everyone at the same time
i want this and that and nothing to calm me for nothing can calm me now
because i am in the deep end without a life jacket
i am in the deep end without god
i am int he deep end without the one who gave it to me in the first place
i feel like a traitor and a betrayer
and nothing in between
i hate the way i make me feel
useless and demanding and weak
i feel so weak
and yet... a part of me screams to shut up and see the light trying to shine inside me
for at the end of the day i just want to live
and i just don't want to die each and everyday thinking about a future i cannot control
or rather a future i hav'nt asked for help in
for if god was by my side i would be ...relax
it can only go the way god wants it go so clearly this is the way
but that's not how i think
i cant think
i am empty minded
fat cells clogging my mind and clever ideas
and memory
i can barely remember my name
for i feel ..... so far away
from the planet of dreams
and the galaxy of faith
where the faithful reside
_________________________________
is my life happiness really determined by how many earrings i have?or how many more I can buy?

________________-
i find my priorities are seriously flawed


Ya Rab please find me for I just cannot find you
take of this blindfold so i can find you
Ya Rab answer the questions in my mind
and help me find
tranquility
and peace
of the faithful
Ya Rab let me be pure
not so dirty like this
and unattained to
and unqualified to do anything
and unloved by myself
Ya Rab don't let me go back to the jungle
when my head is already a jungle
Y a rab let me take it all down
all down
for I just want clean space and emptiness
so I can draw myself
from scratch


so  i hold a pen and close my eyes........

its an art.... to be a woman

Beauté Charme

What French women believe in: the total effect beyond just a nice body and a pretty face – it includes the way one talks, smiles, moves, and gestures.

---

Marilyn in hope (2)

This woman has had so much heartbreak
This woman has had so much pain
and yet during all her films and presentations
she looks the part and more perfect to the core
you cant see a scratch or a lash
even though her heart has a gash
of bleeding history and denial
that she may be the prettiest girl taken a picture of
because she has an aura of mystery and pleasure
and an existent secret that climbs up her shoulders
and a smile that curves my life around
for a black spot is similiar and I am only
slightly..... screaming
and memories have to be hidden and alive
pictures have to be hidden from her true feelings
and stories have to be untold
but a smile is the most important dream
and i smile because i have love
....................

 

Marylin in Hope (1)

 =  Taking from the past a woman with incredible mystery

marylin monroe loved chanel no 5 - a perfume for true women

I can understand why 
there is something tragically desiring about it

I ask myself why she was so sad and how she couldnt see how beautiful she was 

then I ask myself the same questions

her pictures ask me to question my inner beauty and the depth of my smile and I want something more from myself

more than just normality

more than just being a woman 
more than just using lipstick or wearing something nice

I plan to write a series of life change using her pictures as inspiration and verification 

that a woman can only be beautiful if she feels it

only
nothing else can help

__________________
(1)

I plan to be a new woman
one who has something to say even if there are no words
I want to be something unique one to be remembered always
even if I am the only one to remember
I plan to exist
for myself first and then to help others
and to help others and make them feel
something theyve never felt before
I plan to be desired
to be natural
yet.... intermittent with diamonds or gold
one set of earrings or a bottle of chanel no 5 is all I need
to survive
I plan to ... be wonderful
like a purity in dirt
and an innocence in guilt
and a faithful amongst the weak
i plan to be strong
and in love
/...................

feeling hopeful on a hopeful day

although i feel tormented with impatience and guilt
towards god
im much better
feeliing like im finally hopeful on a hopeful day
this isnt like me to be
full of ....disorientation
im stronger than this
wiser than this
better than this
I feel pathetic
and professors of love should not be pathetic

but im feeling much better on a hopeful day
where the sun is shining and the birds are chriping and
my heart is beating corectly
for time wil tell
and i will tell time
to forgive me
and i will make allah love me again


to be continued.....

hopeless ...on a hopeful day

it rains and rains and rains and yet.... all I think about are black feathers and blue velvet
the sun shines my heart and all I want to do is make sure things are perfect
which one goes best for my knight in shining  armor and the new hope i dream to be ?


things are meant to be
but things are not going how theyre meant to be


im too far away to make him feel right
God is no longer my first choice
and technology gives me no mercy and so
he doesnt want to hear my voice
but i think its the right choice
for i deserve to be heartbroken
all i want to do is cry
but i guess it is my fault i forgot to take care of him
instead of caring about black feathers and blue velvet
for him
for driving my time correctly has always been hard
but keeping people in love with me now seems harder..........

Zooming into you

This is Portsudan

 Inspired by 1 of Justin Timberlakes new songs - 'Tunnel Vision'


I'm feeling close to you even though your eyes are closed and you sleep 
somewhere between life's responsibility to take you where you do not exist except in my heart
flicking  your expression I will never forget
the way you help people 
I want to help you
i want to save you
but how can I? if I cannot save myself ?
I always feel lost
and without you I feel more lost
like in the dark in a tunnel with millions of cars flying by and possibly crashing into me 
and i do not know which way is the way out
and worse 
I see the way out but I cannot take it

I lay awake at 1.56 A.M
and 
life is still
except the turmoil in my heart
where are you?
are you ....immature?
but isnt it the truth?
yes its the truth/////
i feel miniature 
I feel silly
I feel like my dream is running away from me 
and I cannot move run or even crawl to catch it 
it stops and mocks me to say
 come catch me if you can
and when i try - my vision is untouchable
and i cannot find
that beautiful body
its 2.01 
A.M and i am
with headphones zooming into you and the whole house is asleep - I quietly lay awake typing my feelings although I cannot feel
i rent words now and they are expensive for words are getting hard to surface from inside me
even though 
its true Ive never felt more heavy with perfect emotions
I wont hide it anymore
all i see is you
everything bad in my life disappears
and my camera zooms zooms zooms
and my vision stares at a wonderful man
one who i don't know yet but want to learn everything about
one who i am far from but want to be the nearest to
one who i am unable to taste but am craving for more than chocolate
and i LOOOOVE chocolate

2.04 A.M
I know you would never lie
and out of a a hundred million people saying yes and you say no
i would trust your no
I am warm but my soul is freezing 
for you are the cover that is missing 
 I imagine writing and 
and I imagine things wild and innocent
beautiful and beautiful
for I see everything beautiful because i see you
i'm so gone 

 life is an unstable stable with you
life is uncontrollably worth living with you
life with you should be insane and never plain

I cant deny how you make life appeal to the world and the world appeal to me
I imagine this song over Nile bridges after a long night somewhere partying at someone else s wedding that we laugh to and say 
nothing compares to us
somewhere over khartoum clubs and nadis 
and maybe debonairs pizza lingers in the background for i'm tired to cook for you 
but you
my darling crave me 
and so i crave energy 
and  pizza will work 

or maybe Portsudan?
they say Portsudan is the mystery of Sudan
and the hidden Europe
i say Portsudan is the city to be free with you and to
make history with you and make other things with you

,,,in

I can see a confident young girl
no longer immature
and a tall handsome soldier
that would never lie
and so I know to trust him
more than i trust myself 

.............2.27 A.M

ask yourself 1_ deep thought

I ask myself a very important but simple question:

why have I failed all this time , all my life to lose weight ?
always I try and never succeed
always I....fail
too early or too late , I dont reach my goal of feeling light
of feeling finished with this goal
I see others do it all the time
the worst things that hurts me is
when other woman speak and say
I am so afraid of becoming fat
i think
so what ur afraid of being me/?
i am afraid of being me
i don't know
i hate the way i think sometimes
broken and useless
even though others see me as beautiful
i don't see myself that way
at all
i have this goal
and i thought that when i would have a man to love me and be there for me
and tell me that im beautiful
i would immediately see the kilos melt away
i would just stop eating and i thought this because
i thought that i was eating because i was missing that sort of love in my life
now i have a man to be with me and love me forever, one that i adore
i trust him so much
and i dont see any kilos melting
instead im the same or worse
eating like....
eating like a monster

ive never been this real about anything though and alive about anything and wanting to stay true tom something like....him

but me and my body .....have  

no balance
no rythym
no harmony
there is no harmony
with mind and body
 at all
and faith
faith is just forgotten

i ask myself
why then?
did your plan not work
well obviously you wernt eating because you were manless
i feel jammed
this is the only theory i had so what could it be that is stopping me from reaching my dreams

me? my soul
- i am the reason



i stop writing and think for a moment















clearly i realise very quickly

i have no bodily connection with myself at all

everyday i use my body
its over run
even if i slept too much
its abused
its used and used
and never ever looked at
i use my body and never give it anything in return
for its mind - i dont learn anything
for its heart - i dont excersice anything
for its soul - i dont give faith or love
for its stomach - i continously make it work
for its eyes - i continously let them see -
for its ears - i dont hear myself -
not
one time

i tihnk again
i dont know who i am
i really dont
and why have i let myself be like this?
useless
if i seperate everything thats happening to me
i realise that its all my dreams coming true

except all those dreams are up to god
so god gave me all i asked for so far
im sure he will in the future

are you?
do you think he expected you to do this?
for get him like this?
ignore him like this?
hate him like this?
regret things you say like this?
i dont know
God must be looking at me
crying
this is NOT what i thought she would do
i thought she would be better
kinder to me
realise that i gave her a new chance
one with potential never ending the burn
like fire and fire and fire


i look at myself deep
and think
your soul is the one troublin you all this tim
you give it everything it demands
food
sleep
money
relaxation

anything anything it demands
and when you want something back
it says NO
and you say YES
fine

you obey your soul
worhsip it even

sorry to say
you worship your soul
the childish one
your soul is the one feeding your worries
your angst
your weaknesses
your inability to maintain something
to continue something
to reach a goal
this goal or any other goal in particular

so ask yourself
why have i failed all this time ?

everything I....

White the colour of innocence and yet I dont feel innocent
I feel like ive hurt someone
I feel like i cannot let go of this buzzing discrepity in my heart
maybe its not seen that way - simple and easy
maybe its too mean and boring your life and your explicity

you
are
too
explicit
definetely
but isnt that a good thing?
not always
for its not your place to go fishin around close peoples feelings
no matter how close they are to you
but thats not fair
i should be able to make him feel what i want him to feel

no that is just rude
for you cant even control your own feelings never mind
.....
yours
never mind



maybe you can control the time you give
or the kindness you give
or the places you go
i dont know

i just know i feel like ive hurt someone
though i didnt mean to

but then again
maybe its just me
the sensitive boring woman i feel i am
right now
unlike white and glitter
i dont feel i have any sparkles
i just feel


plain
and
traditional


i just feel
plain
and
traditional

Khartoum heartmend _ imagining things...

I wish I could feel free from all my inabilities and sanctions against myself
God I have so many dreams all opened by an amazing man
but really ive always had those dreams i just didnt know how to make them
or feel them or hold them the right way
i wish I could wear my life in my hand then maybe that way i wouldnt be able to hold anyhting else
like fears or worries
i imagine


coming to you again dear God and thanking you in your

home
I wont forget i will come
inshallah
with him and i will show him to you and say look and thank you


these days im not praying very well skipping and starting and sleeping and not waking on time
but i promise i will change a part likke the way i used to be and a part even better

i want to become this woman even i dont know
beautiful because shes kind
rich because of her heart colour
blind to the world but the world is not blind to her
one ready to form emotions truthful and emotions blissful
not for her
but for someone who deserve them
and i imagine


red velvet cake on a summers day - with birds chirping and baskets of flowers and plants hanging maybe white maybe pink
magazines with fashion lie silently on the glass table bought yesterday still unread today but beautiful they look and a dress peacock with life turquioses life into a drawing i can only imagine
for it seems hard to make real
i dont know where to find red food colouring in sudan
lately this is my most common statement
what is missing in sudan?
my heart aches at my selfishness and impurities
because the real question should be
what isnt missing in sudan?
family
sun
love
love
love
love
love
helping people
noise
khartoum lights at night
barking dogs at night
winter cold
dry cold
eva honey
sting cheese
life

the only thing missing in sudan is me

sudan is a light in darkness
my passion for sudan is long old
ive loved it since forever
in love and passion with khartoum at night
and the sound of refrigerators sleeping at 3am
obsessed with the peace one has at night that becomes invisible in the morning to crazy traffic and insane people baked like my red velvet cake in the sun

amazing times can be created

ive always asked sudan to forgive me for going
for living away from its mud and dirt and hours
ive always asker my home to ....
to make me one of hers
to make me a part of her land
to not forget i am one of her birth
and i thought she hated me for leaving
and never wanted me back
but now i think she wants me to stay forever
for she has opened her african roots and heat to me
this time with honesty and love and passion
i never could imagine
near the river nile waking i sleep
and sleeping i wake
to the smell of african sunsets
this time the right time
with hot cardemon tea and
.....an amazing man


my home has fed me good things and i feel forgiven by its soul

 

feeling hopeless...on a hopeful day

God,

Dear God

My dear dear dear God

the one who i trust and love 

more than anything in this world

the one that i live my life to and for and with 

the one that i was created by and will finish by

the one that i want to make happy and proud

i used to pray with my hands up

so hard and so long

i used to pray alfajr with my head down

so hard and so long

i used to love god so much

and want to spend every bit of time with him 

happily

and now

suddenly

Ive forgotten it all

and yet he is still here for me

i feel like i want to pull the rug from underneath me and tumble down but and he holds it down and keeps me straight, keeps my head up high

i want to fold my umbrella in the rain and get soaked but he helps me let it stay open and keeps me dry

i want to cut my life apart and bleed open

but he saves me from myself

i want to make my life difficult and he wants to make it easy

i dont want to be forgiven and he wants to forgive me each and every second

i want to be bad and he wants me to be good

he wants me to be with him

for i have given up on myself but he hasnt

and to prove it

he has sent me an angel to help me

just for me.... here on earth

i feel special

i feel chosen for something important

i feel beautiful

i feel.....like this is my present

i feel really strong

but i know arrogance can get in the way

and young hearts and fiery emotions

and wild trepidations

and stupid ignorance

and unknown bliss

immaturity springs open in my mind 

and i forget the after life

heaven where i want to go

that A heaven

that A minus

B plus heaven now seems far away

all i can see is blue velvet cloaks and unseen necklaces, never seen before

i feel more than special

although im not really 

that 

special

im just a human being

a female

young now but getting old

smart now but getting dumb

not going to be healthy forever

not going to be alive ...forever

one day ill die

 and i will be asked

what were you doing when i gave you freedom

when i gave you health

when i gave you time 

when i gave you love

when i gave  you faith

when i gave you...life

and what will be my answers be>?

what will they be?

right now i can only stay silent with shame

Ya Rab

please please please please forgive me

for ..... ignoring you when you have not

when i have put you second or third place when you have always put me first

when i have forgotten you and remembered others and other things

when you have never forgotten me

when you have made me hope

and instilled it into me

yet i am hopeless in time      

the other side of the rail

whenever i watch titanic a strange feeling comes to my mind like i wonder how the stars silently watched  or how cold it must have been or how was the food like - or  who gives their life to anyone like the way rose did to jack or jack did to rose - just 2 and a half days and they were ready to die for each other and stay true for each other and take care of each other in dire conditions - 

whenever i watch titanic i enjoy the large hats and beautiful dress designs and the part where they teach young girls to drink tea and her butterfly clip and tea on the balcony and the sunset on an ocean then i think of the hardship and the cold, of the screams and the smells, of the blood and the tears
i always think of the cold
 i love the magnificence and the tragedy
the part where they first met and the part where they were last dry
and how someone can make strong memories forever in a second
and how life can mean something instantly if you find the right one - or a person you thought could never be right for you but ends up saving you or the one who makes you feel warm even amidst that terrible cold and shattering chinaware
and how moments become meaningless if you're not with them - what you bought becomes pointless how much money you have becomes lifeless where you were or who you are all become non existent for you just want to take a breath one more time.......
and how you would do anything to be with them because you trust them
and you want to survive with them and want them to survive with you
and how one person one beautiful person that you never knew existed and never knew could fit with you
instantly
can change your life
forever  
 like mine
because they warm your heart even when youre cold on the outside
and when you say 
'i love you '
you dont just mean that 
you love the whole world and everything that it means 
and all that you can become
and all that they have made you
and all that life can be 
you start to understand what promises mean and 
promises become expensive 
and promises become ...strong
 

maybe... that day will come

got to lot to say but words cant translate

got a lot to do but time wont relate

got a lot to feel but body is numb

got a lot to promise that i gotta get done

got a lot to give in this beautiful time

got a lot to choose like your love divine

got a lot to stop so I can become one

got a lot to start even if im over run

but can i not do it all?
over hot cardemon tea and walnut coffee cake at a time sublime
with birds chirping in a young balcony decorated by flower pots and bamboo chairs... i think
as pink and silver earrings hold on to me for they dont know anybody else here sitting writing in the future of a calm blissful balanced beautiful bright and breathtaking girl? woman

The Beautiful 99 Names of Allah ♥

 

1 Allah (الله) The Greatest Name
2 Ar-Rahman (الرحمن) The All-Compassionate
3 Ar-Rahim (الرحيم) The All-Merciful
4 Al-Malik (الملك) The Absolute Ruler
5 Al-Quddus (القدوس) The Pure One
6 As-Salam (السلام) The Source of Peace
7 Al-Mu’min (المؤمن) The Inspirer of Faith
8 Al-Muhaymin (المهيمن) The Guardian
9 Al-Aziz (العزيز) The Victorious
10 Al-Jabbar (الجبار) The Compeller
11 Al-Mutakabbir (المتكبر) The Greatest
12 Al-Khaliq (الخالق) The Creator
13 Al-Bari’ (البارئ) The Maker of Order
14 Al-Musawwir (المصور) The Shaper of Beauty
15 Al-Ghaffar (الغفار) The Forgiving
16 Al-Qahhar (القهار) The Subduer
17 Al-Wahhab (الوهاب) The Giver of All
18 Ar-Razzaq (الرزاق) The Sustainer
19 Al-Fattah (الفتاح) The Opener
20 Al-`Alim (العليم) The Knower of All
21 Al-Qabid (القابض) The Constrictor
22 Al-Basit (الباسط) The Reliever
23 Al-Khafid (الخافض) The Abaser
24 Ar-Rafi (الرافع) The Exalter
25 Al-Mu’izz (المعز) The Bestower of Honors
26 Al-Mudhill (المذل) The Humiliator
27 As-Sami (السميع) The Hearer of All
28 Al-Basir (البصير) The Seer of All
29 Al-Hakam (الحكم) The Judge One
30 Al-`Adl (العدل) The Just
31 Al-Latif (اللطيف) The Subtle One
32 Al-Khabir (الخبير) The All-Aware
33 Al-Halim (الحليم) The Forbearing
34 Al-Azim (العظيم) The Magnificent
35 Al-Ghafur (الغفور) The Forgiver and Hider of Faults
36 Ash-Shakur (الشكور) The Rewarder of Thankfulness
37 Al-Ali (العلى) The Highest
38 Al-Kabir (الكبير) The Greatest
39 Al-Hafiz (الحفيظ) The Preserver
40 Al-Muqit (المقيت) The Nourisher
41 Al-Hasib (الحسيب) The Accounter
42 Al-Jalil (الجليل) The Mighty
43 Al-Karim (الكريم) The Generous
44 Ar-Raqib (الرقيب) The Watchful One
45 Al-Mujib (المجيب) The Responder to Prayer
46 Al-Wasi (الواسع) The All-Comprehending
47 Al-Hakim (الحكيم) The Perfectly Wise
48 Al-Wadud (الودود) The Loving One
49 Al-Majid (المجيد) The Majestic One
50 Al-Ba’ith (الباعث) The Resurrector
51 Ash-Shahid (الشهيد) The Witness
52 Al-Haqq (الحق) The Truth
53 Al-Wakil (الوكيل) The Trustee
54 Al-Qawiyy (القوى) The Possessor of All Strength
55 Al-Matin (المتين) The Forceful One
56 Al-Waliyy (الولى) The Governor
57 Al-Hamid (الحميد) The Praised One
58 Al-Muhsi (المحصى) The Appraiser
59 Al-Mubdi’ (المبدئ) The Originator
60 Al-Mu’id (المعيد) The Restorer
61 Al-Muhyi (المحيى) The Giver of Life
62 Al-Mumit (المميت) The Taker of Life
63 Al-Hayy (الحي) The Ever Living One
64 Al-Qayyum (القيوم) The Self-Existing One 65 Al-Wajid (الواجد) The Finder
66 Al-Majid (الماجد) The Glorious
67 Al-Wahid (الواحد) The One, the All Inclusive, The Indivisible
68 As-Samad (الصمد) The Satisfier of All Needs
69 Al-Qadir (القادر) The All Powerful
70 Al-Muqtadir (المقتدر) The Creator of All Power
71 Al-Muqaddim (المقدم) The Expediter
72 Al-Mu’akhkhir (المؤخر) The Delayer
73 Al-Awwal (الأول) The First
74 Al-Akhir (الأخر) The Last
75 Az-Zahir (الظاهر) The Manifest One
76 Al-Batin (الباطن) The Hidden One
77 Al-Wali (الوالي) The Protecting Friend
78 Al-Muta’ali (المتعالي) The Supreme One
79 Al-Barr (البر) The Doer of Good
80 At-Tawwab (التواب) The Guide to Repentance
81 Al-Muntaqim (المنتقم) The Avenger
82 Al-‘Afuww (العفو) The Forgiver
83 Ar-Ra’uf (الرؤوف) The Clement
84 Malik-al-Mulk (مالك الملك) The Owner of All
85 Dhu-al-Jalal wa-al-Ikram (ذو الجلال و الإكرام) The Lord of Majesty and Bounty
86 Al-Muqsit (المقسط) The Equitable One
87 Al-Jami’ (الجامع) The Gatherer
88 Al-Ghani (الغنى) The Rich One
89 Al-Mughni (المغنى) The Enricher
90 Al-Mani’(المانع) The Preventer of Harm
91 Ad-Darr (الضار) The Creator of The Harmful
92 An-Nafi’ (النافع) The Creator of Good
93 An-Nur (النور) The Light
94 Al-Hadi (الهادي) The Guide
95 Al-Badi (البديع) The Originator
96 Al-Baqi (الباقي) The Everlasting One
97 Al-Warith (الوارث) The Inheritor of All
98 Ar-Rashid (الرشيد) The Righteous Teacher
99 As-Sabur (الصبور) The Patient One

I dont feel .....

I dont feel right  - like a beautiful piece of cleopatra necklace i should be glittering with faith and miraculous beauty inside,,,,, and out
but i dont feel right
inside or out
maybe cuz a part of me is missing
the one i left back home
maybe its because i lost a part of me
and I cant find it anywhere
maybe its because i dont know who I am anymore
except a waste of time
maybe its because time is not precious to me
and so no matter what i do i feel i stuck in a timeless porthole
of meaningless meanings
maybe its because i wasnt shy
did I lose a part of my truth
or was it just truth i spoke
or was it honesty that i loved
him before myself
?
I dont feel right
maybe its because I am alone here
no matter how close I am to the closest humans
or maybe because the most important things to me
I abuse
or maybe its because what I cant buy I cant have
............click

to be continued........

If I were him , I'd run away

It's like waves surge in a winters collision to drown me and consume me in thought and future scenarios when one should not think but of tomorrow -  I am shoved into insanity a woman uncontrollable with words lost for words lost with words lost by his words into an unexplainable state of joy and sadness this is my first tropical conversation and although it tastes slightly bitter maybe unsweetened lime juice I love it all his voice his inner peace his gratitude to his maturity and soundness of thought I have no fear in his emotion but worst , l ... My Worst - emotions overcome me to be loved to be heard to be wanted to be understood I scream my ideas selfishly but i know i agree with his sweetness some and wish he was my own to hear to love to be with but instead I find myself arguing kissing a night in the distance with ideas too large to grasp in the fold of this delicate bejewelled argument- I hold on like the grazing winds trembling In the middle of the ocean in a dark storm bleeding shivering cold races inside me but I continue to want to survive its late and it's too early for this  but I progress into madness for madness is to think for someone else. And I did I stop and shelter for pieces of wood come find me to take me home - good night my dear I have silenced you enough with my fears and moments of despair that i ran by you and you listened you have also calmed me but inside me ... Inside me is a huge volcano. Of . New beginnings this is the first storm and I have found shelter ...in him 

April balances

I have a lot to say but nothing on my mind
the words are stuck and i just cannot find
the way to think

I feel silly saying nothing
I feel angry writing meaningless words
but I'm trying to make sense of my world and not understanding how to write it

for i feel selfish with no gratitude
and i feel honoured with no respect
and i feel beautiful with no boundaires
and i feel high without having been low
and i feel sweet without having tasted bitter


i promised myself april would be different
and already its still the same
i feel like im a copy of all my mistakes put together
and nothing original has ever been let come out

its either april is my saviour
or my murderer
...............