Sunday, March 17, 2013

too far away from the stars...

 I suddenly feel really cold
like all ice inside me
and a cool rush in my mind
all I find is
my fingers cannot move
and my nose is red
and my lips are pink.......... just how he likes them

I suddenly realise God clearly wants this
as he made this go
and he closed all others
and here I am wondering about
what will my dress look like


 I close my eyes and hear explosions of drums and pearls
touching a skin soft and happy after hardwork
what work have I done?
how hard have I tried?
very hard?

I remember praying
I remember fasting
I remember hoping

or have you forgotten
how ungrateful youve become

I remember crying
I remember demanding and demanding
that God give me what I want
and then all will be fine
I will change and be the better woman
Ive always dreamt of becoming

walking in the middle of the streets of a city that owned me
walking like I own it
felt ...strange
powerful yet i  was embarassed
yet I was cold
for i thought
i am inthe centre of life
and have not embraced it
I am in the outside even though i walk beyond limitations
and even though I should feel grand
..I feel small
even though I am grand
i think to myself
this is the hope i wanted to become
but the extremities encapsulate me
and I am undefined
in this proud definition of being


all colours meaning so much raw landscape
one freezing
one melting
one white
one brown
one here
one there
thousands of miles away
with desert
and not strawberry
maybe dust

even though i feel like a star
i cant taste the stardust
its too far away
all the glamour in my head
that i want to walk on
and silk around my body
and lace
and dirty ...........

Hope this isnt like you
to be this far.from faith
is this your thanks
is this how you thank
what are yo uwaiting for?
to change.......

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -