too far away from the stars...

 I suddenly feel really cold
like all ice inside me
and a cool rush in my mind
all I find is
my fingers cannot move
and my nose is red
and my lips are pink.......... just how he likes them


I suddenly realise God clearly wants this
as he made this go
and he closed all others
and here I am wondering about
what will my dress look like

Ivory?
White?
Red?
Pink?
Gold?
Black?

 I close my eyes and hear explosions of drums and pearls
touching a skin soft and happy after hardwork
what work have I done?
how hard have I tried?
very hard?

I remember praying
I remember fasting
I remember hoping

or have you forgotten
how ungrateful youve become

I remember crying
I remember demanding and demanding
that God give me what I want
and then all will be fine
I will change and be the better woman
Ive always dreamt of becoming

17/3/13
walking in the middle of the streets of a city that owned me
walking like I own it
felt ...strange
powerful yet i  was embarassed
yet I was cold
for i thought
i am inthe centre of life
and have not embraced it
I am in the outside even though i walk beyond limitations
and even though I should feel grand
..I feel small
even though I am grand
i think to myself
this is the hope i wanted to become
but the extremities encapsulate me
and I am undefined
in this proud definition of being


Sudanese
green
black
red
white
orange
green

all colours meaning so much raw landscape
one freezing
one melting
one white
one brown
one here
one there
thousands of miles away
with desert
and not strawberry
maybe dust
stardust?

even though i feel like a star
i cant taste the stardust
its too far away
all the glamour in my head
that i want to walk on
and silk around my body
and lace
and dirty ...........


Hope this isnt like you
to be this far.from faith
is this your thanks
is this how you thank
what are yo uwaiting for?
to change.......