Saturday, March 9, 2013

Khartoum Heartbreak - the real 1

The heat of the last wind of khartoum surrounds me- I hear  familiar lazy voices say stupid things and  loud ambulance sirens go nowhere  in a tired city wanting to go to sleep but never can - its nearly 2 in the morning and as i stand in front of the final outside gates - of this crazy city - as i have to let it go - It decides to take from me very expensively  - all the things that i have - it takes - all the things i own - it holds , , love, family, beautiful stories, memories, hope, faith - and i cannot take them with me

everything makes sense here -everything is beautiful here -i was made here - and i want to make others here - this is my home, this is my life - so why should i go? - my goodbyes are very very very expensive this time and i feel so poor as i have to pay it all , my memories, my dreams, my past, my touch and my kiss and suddenly i begin to taste europe still in his triangle-- as he said - he was right - youre in europe the minute you are on the plane-  -i remember his words -i remember his voice -i remember everything but i dont see anything  and i certainly cant feel anything- except - i see white and blue -i hear foreign languages -I sense time is precious and I have to move rigid -I have to move in line -i have to forget for a little while -and become the old hope - one that i dont like anymore - different - alien - a stranger to this reality


my body doesnt want this
my mind doesnt want this
my eyes dont want this
my life doesnt want this
even my bags dont want this as they fight me and i try hard to make them and me travel

everything is slow and paused
maybe i could turn back
just run back
and become the wife of the man i want to marry
no other time
but tonight
be there
instead of being here

I take a deep breath and take my first step on the plane for i have no choice but to not stay

 i have no choice
but to not stay

to be continued..............


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -