Wednesday, March 13, 2013

M & A 12 _ does he really need me?

I dont know.......

I felt a slight pain in his voice mixed with worry
although there was nothing wrong he said,  I felt a small misery
maybe he misses me maybe he doesnt want to forget
that we met
or is he scared that he may regret
what? something?

I dont know.......

I felt a tiny piece of his heart was crying and I heard a part of his soul was missing
he said everything was ok but deep down he made me feel like everything was wrong
that I am here and he is there
that I am not his yet
but I feel that i am
that is so wrong

I dont know......

maybe I felt like feeling so close to him is whats most painful
I mean why does he miss me so much?
or is it that he needs me so much?
but why ? am i really that important?
am I such an important person?
am I really?
maybe he could do it all without me?
could he not do it all without me?

I dont know......

when he talks like that
he scares the life out of me
feeling like he depends on me makes me more alive than ever
more in love than ever
more dependant on him than ever
I have never had anyone need me as he needs me
as much as he needs me
and I can feel it in his voice
and it throws me into this insane desire
to forever be with him
that I really dont think I can control
and control is the last thing I can control
so how ..... can I surivive without him?

I dont know.......

how I can ever be without him
or how I can ever think alone now
or how I can imagine life as before
or how I can not let him into my heart
or how I can not love more every day
or how I can not write about how I feel
or how I dont know how I can steal

such an amazing man

I dont know ..............

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -