What I am ...and what I want to be (POW)

Be hope...... don't be hopeless

Be truthful in everything, don’t lie.
Be sincere and straightforward, don’t be hypocritical.
Be honest, don’t be corrupt.
Be humble, don’t be boastful.
Be moderate, don’t be excessive.
Be reserved, don’t be garrulous.
Be soft-spoken, don’t be loud.
Be refined and gentle in speech, don’t curse and use foul language.
Be loving and solicitous to others, don’t be unmindful of them.
Be considerate and compassionate, don’t be harsh.
Be polite and respectful to people, don’t be insulting or disrespectful.
Be generous and charitable, don’t be selfish and miserly.
Be good natured and forgiving, don’t be bitter and resentful.
Share and be content with what Allah has given you, don’t be greedy.
Be cheerful and pleasant, don’t be irritable and morose.
Be chaste and pure, don’t be lustful.
Be alert and aware of the world around you, don’t be absent-minded.
Be dignified and decent, don’t be graceless.
Be optimistic and hopeful, don’t be cynical or pessimistic.
Be confident and have deep faith, don’t be doubtful and wavering.
Be spiritually oriented and not materialistic.
Be confident of the mercy of Allah, don’t be despairing and lose heart.
Be diligent and vigilant of your duties, don’t be negligent.
Be thankful to Allah and constantly pray to Him, don’t be forgetful of His innumerable blessings.

for his eyes only....

just how I seem to trust him blindly
he can be my eyes that i see with
for I cannot see anything anymore except through him

just like I uncontrollably love him wildly
he can be my faith and my heart beating through the skies
he can be the eyes that i need to see life with
for I cannot be the same anymore
and i dont want to be


_______
for his eyes only
I want him to never ever be lonely
for his eyes are precious
he can see difficult and breaking things
like mystery and gold with pink satin
or destiny around navy dantelle
and maybe he can see how much i need him
and how many things have been broken without him
like my heart


things are not what they seem
but for his eyes
i may just turn into an egyptian queen
or an enchanted princess
or an invisible beauty that no one
will ever know about
tasting of caramel and euphoria
or maybe even the number 5 of dreams
I dont know ......

I just feel like I cannot see anymore for he is my eyes
and am waiting for him to give me back - please ?


at least thats what i never hope.........

Message 13

Khartoum heartbreak _ the real 2

i feel distant
i feel different
is this the same me?

I suddenly realise this is the first time im in the sky feeling so deeply in love
never have i travelled so.... heavy with emotion it may just bring the plane down
I close my eyes and hear the turbine roll and pur into vastness
there is nothing out there for miles
except stars

thousands of stars
near me
and I am far
from the only star
that i want to be near

fresh lavender
headphones
i shuffle until i find new music
beautiful music

everything falls into space
as i listen to two songs in particular
everything falls in to space
i was meant to be here to listen to these
and there is now wy i would have found them

i close my eyes
and dream of white lace and long trails
of flowers in my hair
and a pink smile
just the way he likes
i dream of golden lights and jasmine flowers
i dream of my beating heart
and perfect fingers holding each other
I dream of me
looking...... like in a dream

Try for the last time 1

I think its time I held my soul

in my hand and changed it ideas 

I think its time I create my own shape

I think its time my mind stopped playing

I think its time I woke up to all that glow

and fascination for beauty i have undiscovered

underlying inside me like an unerupted volcano

I think its time i asked for help

but at the same time

this is my journey

the one ive lost

and the one ive denied

myself pleasure to take

anad so I must be the leader of my footsteps

I think its time I broke all the rules

and became a part of something greater

and smiled truly because I want to....

not because I have to

I think its time I walked

faster to the place I want to go

 i think its time I jumped higher

to reach stronger altitudes of satisfaction

I think its time I just stopped

tricking myself

that I am happy.....

for I dont feel like the pink reggae i should be

or the red velvet i want

or the passionate white silk i dreaM

or the turquiose pearls I see

and I want to be......

for the brown chocolate man

I love soo much

like really good music

I ........

to be continued

Message 12

Message 11

Message 10

Message 9

Message 8

Message 7

Message 6

Message 5

Message 4

Message 3

Message 2

Message 1

 

KRF_ the letters of starting again

this time is for remembering all the good parts of me
like being kind
no one taught me that
I grew up to find myself
kind
unable to hate people easily
unable to see their hearts sad and not be sad with them
able to pray for others and not just myself and want to deep down be like the kind

I want to remember the woman inside me that
loves being romantic
fighting for each cell of romantic bliss when  others told her
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?? THIS STUFF IS SO SILLLLY
I love it all
the everything in everything
the candles
the roses
the kisses
the words
the touch
the everything in everything
about romance
silly or sexy
desire or need
passionate or lustful
tragedy or fairytale
I love love and all of its intricate details
that make up my delicate personality

I want to remember the woman within me
that fears allah, that wants to be with allah
the one who was faithful
that knows without him she is nothing
the one who had the strongest faith
the faith of all faiths
amongst the rain , amongst the unfaithful
riding red buses and feeling life was difficult and
senseless
I was strong
I prayed
I wanted to be clean
and healthy always
faith is one of the most important parts of me and always will be

Kind Romantic Faithful

let me find those three things inside me from today until forever

Change the whole of me 6

 I want to be strong
adamant
and dedicated
to any cause I decide to take part of
the ones Ive chosen
and the ones that have chosen me

I want to have meaning
and power and I want others to be able to depend on me
before I even depend on them

I want to be beautiful because I am kind
I want to be faithful because i am in love
I want to be in love because I am faithful

I want to be honest
and hopeful for a brighter tommorow
I want to start new chapters
and finish old stories
and maybe even write new books

 I want to be me
the one ive always dreamt of
pure
honest
kind
beautiful
faithful

 Iwant to write about deep inside me
and about deep inside others
expand the horizons of joy
and the creations of my intensity

I want to be neat
like clean kitchens across chinese embassies
in....khartoum

I want to be clean
of heart and body and
living rooms
and clothes
pearls
and silk

I love silk
but silk needs special attention
and a smooth curve,.,,,,not sharp corners


I love it here
the queit
the peace
the cold......
the escape into a mindless retreat
just life

and good things to have and create

I love it there
the hustle
and bustle and
also calm after 12 pm Khartoum nighttime
just dogs barking in the black of another hard sun day
sweating amidst coolness and loving in the tropics
loving in the tropics
african suburbs break time
and just like i wanted
in the background of a humming,,,,,, refregirator

swimming pools remain in the quest to be found
and good things from abroad
but shops also have details that i want
to find
like three coloured shoes for 75 although it should be 40

takes time to love
although ive been loving my whole life
ive dreamt of this my whole way
rakshas crying for your step
and traffic lights being mistaken

love unfolds wildly
i dont like simple
i dont like the known

I like mysterious
and difficult
like level 5
or 6
out of 6
in the game of tell me who you are hope

___________________

tell me who you are

and ill tell you what youre not

tell me who you want

and ill tell you where he is

tell me what you see

and il ltell you its not here

tell me what you have

and ill tell you dont have anything at all

tell me how much is your faith

and ill tell you , youre poor

tell me about flying

and ill tell you , thats not it

for you will always drop

to the ground

too far away from the stars...

 I suddenly feel really cold
like all ice inside me
and a cool rush in my mind
all I find is
my fingers cannot move
and my nose is red
and my lips are pink.......... just how he likes them


I suddenly realise God clearly wants this
as he made this go
and he closed all others
and here I am wondering about
what will my dress look like

Ivory?
White?
Red?
Pink?
Gold?
Black?

 I close my eyes and hear explosions of drums and pearls
touching a skin soft and happy after hardwork
what work have I done?
how hard have I tried?
very hard?

I remember praying
I remember fasting
I remember hoping

or have you forgotten
how ungrateful youve become

I remember crying
I remember demanding and demanding
that God give me what I want
and then all will be fine
I will change and be the better woman
Ive always dreamt of becoming

17/3/13
walking in the middle of the streets of a city that owned me
walking like I own it
felt ...strange
powerful yet i  was embarassed
yet I was cold
for i thought
i am inthe centre of life
and have not embraced it
I am in the outside even though i walk beyond limitations
and even though I should feel grand
..I feel small
even though I am grand
i think to myself
this is the hope i wanted to become
but the extremities encapsulate me
and I am undefined
in this proud definition of being


Sudanese
green
black
red
white
orange
green

all colours meaning so much raw landscape
one freezing
one melting
one white
one brown
one here
one there
thousands of miles away
with desert
and not strawberry
maybe dust
stardust?

even though i feel like a star
i cant taste the stardust
its too far away
all the glamour in my head
that i want to walk on
and silk around my body
and lace
and dirty ...........


Hope this isnt like you
to be this far.from faith
is this your thanks
is this how you thank
what are yo uwaiting for?
to change.......

Hungry_Show me how to make love (POW)

M & A 12 _ does he really need me?

I dont know.......

I felt a slight pain in his voice mixed with worry
although there was nothing wrong he said,  I felt a small misery
maybe he misses me maybe he doesnt want to forget
that we met
or is he scared that he may regret
what? something?

I dont know.......

I felt a tiny piece of his heart was crying and I heard a part of his soul was missing
he said everything was ok but deep down he made me feel like everything was wrong
that I am here and he is there
that I am not his yet
but I feel that i am
that is so wrong

I dont know......

maybe I felt like feeling so close to him is whats most painful
I mean why does he miss me so much?
or is it that he needs me so much?
but why ? am i really that important?
am I such an important person?
am I really?
maybe he could do it all without me?
could he not do it all without me?

I dont know......

when he talks like that
he scares the life out of me
feeling like he depends on me makes me more alive than ever
more in love than ever
more dependant on him than ever
I have never had anyone need me as he needs me
as much as he needs me
and I can feel it in his voice
and it throws me into this insane desire
to forever be with him
that I really dont think I can control
and control is the last thing I can control
so how ..... can I surivive without him?

I dont know.......

how I can ever be without him
or how I can ever think alone now
or how I can imagine life as before
or how I can not let him into my heart
or how I can not love more every day
or how I can not write about how I feel
or how I dont know how I can steal

such an amazing man

I dont know ..............

Perfect timing_ (POW)

what will you press? _ (POW)

you are my mirror

Inspired by Justin Timberlakes new song - mirror

I cant help but notice your reflection
in the mirror of my heart
I listen to music so we may never be apart
all these tunes remind me of who I want to become
and the little part of me that was - yet is so important
sitting here at 12.46 am in a blue kitchen
you join my future every second im alive  
I become threaded to you in a strange lyrical dimension
you just got to be strong
i dont want to lose you now
so i think
: what is it ive done wrong?
like give in to temptation?
no that was just pure sensation
I want to figure it out
how you were right here all along
and i didnt see you
how you were my reflection
and i couldnt look back
somehwere in your eyes
llife makes sense
and youre warm and full
im trying to breakthough
to you
and music is the only way
listen to this
show me how to fight you
and ill only be fighting myself
cuz its like youre my mirror

this house gives me memories
like waking up for school with 2 alarm bells
or having suhoor at ramadan
or studying for final year college in the conservatory
or praying in that corner behind the door
or putting speakers lying in my bed and just forgetting the world

I  remember how many times
I dreamt to fall in love
and to be loved
in all different ways my imagination rolled and strolled
until i couldnt control them
I never could control my feelings
escpecially if they were real and pure and honest
they become everything I am and I them

I wish I could stop the young me and tell her
be patient -  love is coming to you
better than you ever imagined
dont be sad here and cry at night
you will not live lonely
and you will not live afraid
dont feel you are ugly
for there will come a man that
will make you feel forever beautiful
dont have all this negativity
for God did create your other half
and did create the one who understands you
and wants you
and needs you
the one you wont be able to live without
just like you desire
and maybe higher

she wouldnt have believed me............

Te amo

dont it mean I love you...?
I think it means I love you....

try something new and it may work into becoming the best new
try something hard enough and it will become the hardest possibility ever beautiful
try something beautiful and you never know how more beautiful it may become
try something strong and how much stronger you become is a miracle
try something wonderful and you may wonder how lucky you are forever
try something good and you should turn into the best person yo uever were
try something daring and your heart dares to  skip beats just to love faster
try something clean and you can only go cleaner of soul and mind
try something always written and no one can ever erase words on angels books
try saying I love you - and you can say te amo and it does mean I love you so why not dance it?

.............................
to be continued


----
Ya Rab
help me reach all my dreams and best potential
ya Rab its cold and raining here
but i love my life and i love my dreams
and i can do so much ....even if it has to be indoors


ya Rab let me be my own way and find my own light even in this darkness
let me search my own heat even in this cold
let me be the smile amongst the sad
and the strong amongst the weak
let me be me
the one filled with hope and mystery

every second i find myself
the one lost
the one forgotten
the one proud
and the one in love

hope is

better than this
wiser than this
more beautiful than this
has more memories ... that need remembering

maybe what i need is rain

to wash all my troubles away
and all the voices in my head
from bad people that couldnt let me mend
maybe rain is my answer
so i can become the best answer


for him.............
 

Khartoum Heartbreak - the real 1

The heat of the last wind of khartoum surrounds me- I hear  familiar lazy voices say stupid things and  loud ambulance sirens go nowhere  in a tired city wanting to go to sleep but never can - its nearly 2 in the morning and as i stand in front of the final outside gates - of this crazy city - as i have to let it go - It decides to take from me very expensively  - all the things that i have - it takes - all the things i own - it holds , , love, family, beautiful stories, memories, hope, faith - and i cannot take them with me

everything makes sense here -everything is beautiful here -i was made here - and i want to make others here - this is my home, this is my life - so why should i go? - my goodbyes are very very very expensive this time and i feel so poor as i have to pay it all , my memories, my dreams, my past, my touch and my kiss and suddenly i begin to taste europe still in his triangle-- as he said - he was right - youre in europe the minute you are on the plane-  -i remember his words -i remember his voice -i remember everything but i dont see anything  and i certainly cant feel anything- except - i see white and blue -i hear foreign languages -I sense time is precious and I have to move rigid -I have to move in line -i have to forget for a little while -and become the old hope - one that i dont like anymore - different - alien - a stranger to this reality


I
take
slow
steps

my body doesnt want this
my mind doesnt want this
my eyes dont want this
my life doesnt want this
even my bags dont want this as they fight me and i try hard to make them and me travel
tonight



everything is slow and paused
maybe i could turn back
just run back
and become the wife of the man i want to marry
tonight
no other time
but tonight
now
be there
instead of being here
alone

I take a deep breath and take my first step on the plane for i have no choice but to not stay

 i have no choice
but to not stay

to be continued..............

 

M & A 11 - I could walk to his... heart

Traffic soars in streets of fire
orange and red lights give me stories to tell
i am put in one fierce spell
by noises deep in the african night
collections of cars swirling in chaos
i forget to fight this time
their mess
f or i am tired but happy

silence is abnormally beautiful
queit is tremendously peaceful
and
I

am in love
as he conquers all my traffic and I cannot go anywhere without being his accident

there are no footsteps
no open doors
no screams
no children
no ... life
just me and the refrigerator humming loudly
with icecream inside
imagine a refrigerator with only icecream inside
no its not a dream
it only has icecream
like i only have desire to eat it
like i only have desire to eat it with him
like i only have desire to eat it with him alone


I feel mesmerised
that in this dirty city
he is my remedy
in this torn and hot place
i am calm when i see his face

i feel like a triangle
i here him there
and god connecting us above
for there is no other way that we can
share the same close corners
 the same sparkling stars
and be lighted by the same round and perfect moon

just 6 or 7 doorsteps away
and 8 0r 9  shops away


my destiny resides
i could walk
i could take a taxi
to the future and finish this pain i have
when he is far aawy
but instead

i write
that i feel hypnotised
by the similiarity and
the conspiracy of fate
and that calms me
i wil never forget his face
yesterday
as he felt sad about something
i wanted to be his everything
but i dont think he realised how much he affected me
i guess in time he will see
that his emotoins are my emotions
and his feelings are my feelings
and his tears are my tears
his joy is my joy
and his plans are my plans
his body is my body
and i want to steal it all
and not be responsible for the lack of control
that i may cause

 

M & A 10... and so many

I'd much rather write about you
than go far away and talk and chew
it would be meaningless to laugh
since you are not there
it would be pointless to be happy
since you are not near
id much rather stay here and think about writing this for you
than think about others, id be so blue from the outside and no make up would hide it
, id be like a volcano on the inside and no water can quench it
my whole body turning
and my whole body swirling
in anger as to why  i was there and not here writiing  about you
id much rather have you in my mind
than get in a car and sit behind
all i want is to sit by your side
while you drive and together we ride
id much rather eat with you , dance with you
pray with you, drink with you , be with you
than travel roads, distances and traffic lights
without you
to see strangers be our relatives
to see unknown people be our concentration
you are my concentration
you are my only concentration
and i think to myself
everyday more i see him
i connect greater
like everytime our eyes meet
something grows deeper

and everytime i hear you
or meet you
everything becomes clearer
but its also like im meeting you for the first time
you are my only destination
and my time that i want to go to
that i want to spend
i dont want to go anywhere else
or spend any other time apart from
you


i want to live for you
be better for you
be beautiful for you
be strong for you
and id much rather think of those things
than be with everyone else right now

i imagine too many things
maybe you dont even imagine
i think about so many things
even you dont see
i dream about so many nights
i dont think you can even dream them
i have so many recipes
that i want you to taste
and so many words
that you can break free
and so many clothes
i want to wear for you
and so much music
i want to hear with you
i want to have from you and give to you
and so many places i want to explore with you
and so many prayers i want you to help me with
and so many times i want to cry in your arms
and so many .........................

 

M & A 9...My all

If I wrote that you are my all

then i mean i am empty without you

like a big space never ending

like a big field never finishing

then I mean you are the one that has filled my heart

you are the one that has taken my nightmares away and given me love to forever stay

by saying my all I mean that  you mean everything to me ,

hating when you  are far from me

hating when you cant talk to me

when you cant reach me

and i cannot reach you

i am heartbroken because i couldnt talk to you today a lot

its like I want you but cant have you

i am lost without you and that makes me miserable

and i know that that is so unreasonable

but i am untouchable

only by you

and so my all are 5 letters that are heavy on my mind

that are difficult to find ... peace with

for i am in love with you

and i cannot breathe without you

or smile without you

even though i have to

by saying my all i mean

that you have changed my life

I  cant wait to be your wife

and im jealous

from anyone who has that dream

and from anyone that abuses it

all these stories drastically revolve around my head

and i cannot breathe

or sleep

right

because i fight

reality

and time

not loving you is like a distant memory

a disastrous tragedy

you are the man i have let enter my heart

my day cannot start without you

my night cannot end if I dont hear y ou

at least.....

 

Waterfull

I clean
as water comes back to my life


i feel like im removing old layers of my ugly days and the smell of lemon citrus comes to save me
makes a new me
bubbles and water shine up my room and I am now

filled with water
filled with angels for they only come to the clean

I am filled with life

I clean
eternally

all my past miseries
all my last worries
and begin a new night

thinking
every time i go to nas khalti su3ad I become a new person
but this time
i will always be a newer person
that will be irreversible
and i will never turn back
i will never regret
and i will never forget
that i aim to be like them

God please help me clean all my cracks
and all my tracks
I want to wash everything inside me
and wait for it dry
I want to scrub all that makes me
until it shines
I want to wipe all that is within me
until it glows
 I want to change everything taht is me
until I become ....the role model




I clean
all that is mine
and now everything is divine

washing my life is blissful
and i am sad i was never like this before

I clean
all that surrounds me
until it shines and reflects me

the woman i see that wants to be me

full of water
full of life
full of love
full of time
full of energy
full of good things
full of good things

 

waterless

today is one of those days
where my life is short
and im annoyed
because water is like gold
and i threw it away
only to need it so much in an instant
and feel like im stuck
and choking
today is one of those days
i just want to pass
and not get distinction or important
advice
today is one of those i wish i rewinded time
and maybe i could have done some things different
like saved water
or saved life
today is one of those days
that i dont like
and that i dont want
and that i wish i cold skip
because because of me
i have made others worry
when really i am the one who should be worried
as i feel waterless

writing in secret in midtown khartoum

work writing
I can barely breathe from happinness but all I see is goodness in my heart shining
This is the best life that ive been looking for and althoug hi cant believe
although i cant feel it because im so numb
all i can do is decide this

i wil never be unhappy again
i will never be lazy
i will never be ungrateful
and i will never lose hope

god has challenged me many times and now
although he is challenging me
he is giving me life as i wanted
as i wanted and better
and life takes time but it also
requires speed to say

i am happy right now and that is it
i sit here amongst a sudden change in my life again
thinking there are about 5 6 doors ahead of me better than
the 1 door that was open for me just before
i think this is like a miracle
can i do it?
i dont know
do i want to do it?
definietely


ya rab forgive me for all my sins
and since ive started a new page jsut now just right now
let me never blacken it
ir dirty it
or fail you
ya rab
remove all my worries and fears
and let me be the one i dream to be

that woman nispirational
that woman beautiful
that woman memorable
that woman confidant
that woman tempting
that woman who can be a friend lover and mother
that woman that can be smart , intelligent and helpful
to a nation lost for need

 

The best plan_ (POW)

Learn how to speak.... from the Quran

Coloured Quran - very inspirational

 

M & A 8 ....Shall I

Shall I become the everlasting one

Shall I give you girls and sons

Shall I be so romantic until you shiver

Until I finish and you quiver

Shall I write words never written

thinking of your lips and my skin bitten

Shall I tempt you into forever

Until I scream and you deliver

Shall I linger over you until you breathe

or do you want me to come and tease

Shall I continue until you melt

until you have what youve never felt

Shall I touch the deepest part of you

until you feel that my deepest is true

Shall I travel where we want to go

 Alone across oceans so we begin slow

Shall we create our own flow

Shall I be with you so I show

You

How much you make me glow