Monday, October 1, 2007

Dreams of despair

I wish things were different, if dreams were fair, not throwing me in a sea of despair. If fantasies had any sense of truth and they wer'nt just when I close my eyes. Don't close your eyes to the reality, When you open, you will drown with the loss of connection; heart sinking, memories blinking, mind overtaken and destiny mistaken.

No suprise it's an empire falling of soul having loved you. Until end of time I never will forget, under a spell, stars and stardust fell but I do want to fly and forget all my misery and regret.

Night young full of heartbreak tonight. Bruised and broken, teared and not spared into a world of crumbs. Conscience in circles; stop before you fall, memory with hurdles of never saved emergency calls. Fragile scene, lost fire from a river cried and burned out sensation leaving a completely numb soul being tied.

In the distance of pain confined to my heart are the secrets raining, confined to my thoughts are the memories raging, they leave an emptiness thundering, confined to my inspiration are the losses growing, confined to my sleep are the dreams that fled; can't get you out of my head.

Magic is tragic but magic is real and love is surreal. Wishes are stashes of crashes but I believe in you. Normality, what is my direction, anxiety, is this my eternity, mistake, why am I feeling fake, bleed, where am I being ripped with speed.

Here in my time, why is it showing all this crime; to my heart. Heart, where do I start; maybe on my pain that's left me torn apart.

.........and she locked her heart and watched it flush away, through the twist of the drain, twirling and swirling softly but fast, and then disappearing in an upbeat flash.

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -