Monday, October 22, 2007

Betrayed




Betrayed by myself
Who am I?
What do I need?
Imagination uncontrolled
Inspiration non patrolled
Betrayed by my dreams


Lost in a maze of misunderstanding myself
What do I do?
To make it clean

The mirror of my reflection I stare into
A distance of emptiness
I stare into darkness
Betrayed by my ideas
Too fast for my grasp
I want to break the clasp
Holding my energy to race
Into the change I need to face

Betrayed by my fantasies
Betrayed to misery
Shears of glass rest on my fate
To cut up my state
The shadow grows in my head
What is it that I said?
To myself one day
That I would stay
In link with my identity
In touch with my goals
Never let myself fall
Always hear myself call
When I need help
Never let myself yelp
Because I would always save myself
From the problems in my heart
I would never let it start
Trouble from within
Remain clear beneath my skin
No betrayal from inside
But that’s exactly what I find
Betrayal in my mind
Forgotten what it feels like to know me
Dark strangeness is all I see
Dusty memories broken in me
Missing how my reality used to be
Not the way I hate it right now
So many puzzles I can't find to finish
The game of confidence, I can't polish the day
Meaningless words come out and play
In the expanded confusion of what I say
And every night with tears I lay
Not being able to be me, my way

1 comment:

Sine Nomine said...

I read this and fell in love. Perfectly describes my own internal conflict, and my inability to evade a darkness I know too well.

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -